What Is Enthusiastic Consent? Breaking Down the Consent Spectrum

Let’s break down two forms of positive consent: Enthusiastic Consent and Willing Consent

It’s been more than 20 years since activist Tarana Burke created the “Me Too” movement, highlighting the daunting prevalence of sexual assault. And yet, according to SEICUS, only 27 states in the U.S. have laws that require sex education in schools—and only 15 of these states require this curriculum to include information on consent.

And even though our government seems to lag further and further behind when it comes to consent, there is a tide turning in popular culture. “Consent is sexy” and other taglines were born (though they come with their own criticisms) and popularized. In this new landscape at least, women feel more empowered to speak up about sex. “We're just becoming more vocal about making the choices that feel aligned for us,” AASECT-certified sexologist Natassia Miller tells Cosmopolitan.

In this era, phrases like “enthusiastic consent” aimed to create a goal post for safe and pleasurable sex. But what exactly is enthusiastic consent? And is this the only way to make sure its a positive sexual encounter for everyone involved?

Enthusiastic consent isn’t just someone emphatically saying “yes!”

“It's when you really want your partner, when you don't fear the consequences of saying ‘yes’ or saying ‘no,’ and when saying ‘no’ means that you're missing out on something that you want,” Miller explains. It’s basically when you’re revved up and ready to jump someone’s bones.

For many people, this is the only time they feel comfortable having sex. But there’s also a spectrum of positive consent, so let’s dive into that.

“There is another side of the positive umbrella of consent,” Miller says, referencing “willing consent,” a phrase popularized by famous author and sex educator Emily Nagoski, PhD.

Willing consent is when you care about the other person, don’t desire them at that moment, but are open to the possibility of intimacy. “You might express willing consent when you believe that your desire is going to show up after you say yes,” Miller says. “It's not like my body is having this huge ‘no’ that's coming over it and preventing me from actually moving forward.”

Now, this may set off alarms for people, and the knee-jerk reaction is understandable. By opening the door to anything other than enthusiastic consent, aren’t we just further muddying the waters on what constitutes as sexual assault?

The line here is still concentrated around active participation and communication between all parties. Yes, bad faith actors will always act in bad faith, but that shouldn’t limit those trying to understand the nuances of sexual desire from learning about their own bodies.

“It's important that you are aware of the different options so that you can apply what makes sense to your own life,” Miller says. “You can pick and choose what feels right for you.”

Willing consent explores the idea that sex doesn’t always have to be born out of situations where you’re both feral for each other at that moment.

Willing consent will likely show up in situations where two people are pretty familiar with each other. Most of the time (but not all of the time), this refers to those in long-term relationships, because there is a lot of care and trust that goes into the idea.

In a 2022 essay, Nagoski wrote: “I live at an intellectual/professional crossroads between promoting active consent (‘Yes means yes!’) and encouraging people to recognize responsive desire and not feel broken if they don’t just want sex out of the blue (‘willing can mean yes!’).”

“Responsive desire,” popularized by sexologist and researcher Dr. Rosemary Basson, is the idea that some people’s desire stems from a reaction to a stimulus, rather than just appearing out of nowhere, or “spontaneous desire.” Most of us think that desire should just show up. But this idea pathologizes people who can’t just be turned on out of thin air. Willing consent allows for the possibility of desire to arrive.

Important distinction: This doesn’t mean having sex with partners out of pity or just because you don’t want to hurt a partner’s feelings. Willing consent explores the idea that sex doesn’t always have to be born out of situations where you’re both feral for each other at that moment.

“Not all [sexual experiences] have to start with enthusiasm, but they do all have to start with everyone involved being glad to be there and free to leave with no unwanted consequences,” Nagoski explains.

“For me, in general, enthusiastic consent and willing consent are two very reasonable forms that we live in,” Miller says.

What types of consent are problematic? Explaining Unwilling Consent and Coerced Consent.

It’s when safety and discomfort are introduced that we veer into negative or problematic forms of consent: unwilling consent and coerced consent. Again, it’s important to note that while these are technically and legally under the umbrella of “consent,” these situations can result in sexual abuse.

“This is the other end of the spectrum, which we definitely want to pay attention to and make sure that that's not where we're going,” Miller says.

Unwilling consent usually happens when you say “yes” in the hopes that the other person will stop bothering you and that their feelings may get hurt if you say “no.” One of the key factors here is that you don’t just feel an absence of desire, but “an absence of desire for desire,” Nagoski says. It happens when nothing about sex with the other person intrigues you in the slightest, but you do it because saying “no” will just lead to them continuously asking you to say “yes.”

Coerced consent is when you’re threatened with consequences if you say “no,” when you feel that you’re going to be hurt more by saying “no” than saying “yes,” but that your “yes” will lead to an experience that you “actively dread.” This, to me, is not consent at all. But as Nagoski unfortunately points out, legally, this isn’t always the case.

Making Sure You and Your Partner Feel Safe During Sex

There are actions you can take to ensure your partner feels safe during sex. First and foremost is verbalizing it: reminding your partner that they can change their mind at any time during the encounter.

Second, Miller says, is attunement. “Attunement is tuning into how they feel, their body’s reaction, their emotions, what they're actually verbally communicating, and also tapping into how you're feeling, as well. It's a simultaneous experience.”

While this may take practice and experience, being attuned to your partner can help you gauge if they’re enjoying sex. More importantly, “you can notice that your partner taps out before they actually verbalize it, if they even verbalize it at all,” Miller says.

You may be at a place where enthusiastic consent is the only way you want to have sex. That is perfectly fine. You may also get to a place where willing consent becomes more realistic in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. That is also perfectly fine. But you won’t truly understand your desire and how it shows up in your sex life until you have conversations about it. As one of my favorite sexologists Dr. Emily Morse puts it, the two keys to good sex are communication and lube. It’s through this communication that you discover your partner’s pleasure as well as your own.

“Once you get into the habit of talking about sex consistently, you just feel safer during sex,” Miller says.