How to Initiate Sex, According to Experts

Become fluent in body language (but don’t solely rely on it)

Whether it’s your first or thousandth time with your partner, let’s say you’re in a mood. Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get it On” might as well be playing on a loudspeaker in your head, because you’re ready to pounce. You want to make a move, but for whatever reason, you’re nervous to. And honestly, so fair.

We get it. Sometimes, being the initiator is hard. It’s vulnerable for a multitude of reasons, and no one wants to be rejected, whether it’s a longtime partner or a sticky situationship. And of course, you always want to respect what mood your partner is in, too.

So, how can you make the first move with confidence, you ask? Well, lucky for you we went ahead and reached out to sex experts to get their thoughts, and they covered everything from how to read your partner’s arousal roadmap to accepting rejection.

There’s something super hot about knowing how to talk to your partner without saying a word. Whether it’s a simple stroke on the lower back or elongated eye contact, sometimes those non-verbals do all the talking.

“Engaging in held eye contact with someone is underrated and hot AF,” says Kimberly Anne, somatic sexologist and relationship coach for Lustery and House of Lustery. “Whether you’re at the dinner table or in a crowded room of people, try to capture your partner’s eyes and hold them.”

Subtle touches are another way to let your partner know you’re in the mood. “Start with non-sexual touch—like a hug, stroking their hair, a back rub—and only escalate if they’re responding positively,” says Evie Plumb, psychosexual and relationship therapist and sex educator. “This works especially well for people with responsive desire, who don’t tend to feel desire out of the blue but can get there once they’re relaxed, touched, and feeling connected.”

Like all sexual activity, signs of consent begin way before the act itself begins. Experts advised the importance of reading your partner, even when no words are involved in communication.

“Look for active participation rather than simply the absence of a no; they’re engaging, responding, touching you back and clearly choosing to be there,” says Lisa Opel, resident sex and relationships expert at MYLO. “If someone freezes, pulls away, goes unusually quiet or seems uncertain, pause. Consent should feel like something you’re both creating, not something one person is trying to decode.”

While acknowledging body language can be leveraged, Aidan A. Sunassee, ABS-certified sexologist and kink coach, acknowledges the dangers of solely relying on it.

“If you are unsure as to whether or not you have consent, I would actually advise against looking for signs—ask clearly,” he says. “You can even make it playful and say things like, ‘Do you like it when I do X to you?’ or ‘I’d really like to do Y with you, how does that sound?’ This gives your partner room to answer you openly, and even give feedback on what they enjoy if they do want to keep going but need some adjustment.”

Set the mood

If you want to initiate sex, getting the surroundings just right is a great place to start. “This could look like setting a sexy environment with candles and music or giving a spicy suggestion or compliment in person,” suggests Kimberly Anne.

But don’t stress yourself out trying to make it perfect. Plumb suggests trying to lessen the pressure of setting the mood. “That pressure creates anxiety, and anxiety is one of the biggest brakes on arousal,” she says. “Keep it small, keep it curious, and let it unfold.”

Setting the mood can even start long before you’re in the same room. “If asking in person feels too nerve-wracking, a flirty text in the afternoon gives your partner time to warm up to the idea, as well as a chance to say ‘not tonight” without being put on the spot,’” Sunassee says.

Ditch conventional norms

Specifically, outdated expectations on gender roles. “I think it’s worth questioning the old script that says one person is supposed to pursue and the other is supposed to receive,” Opel says. “Traditionally that has been very gendered, with men expected to make the first move and women expected to be wanted rather than openly wanting. That’s a pretty limiting setup for everyone, and it doesn’t reflect the huge variety of relationships and bodies people actually have. Initiation, pursuit, and being pursued can all move back and forth. You don’t have to stay in the sexual role you were handed by culture just because it’s familiar.”

Do constant consent check-ins

It’s not just making the initial move, but once everything is in motion, it’s best to continue to check in. A few signs to look out for that consent is not being given is “going quiet or still, tensing up, turning away, not reciprocating, or uncertain answers like ‘I guess’ or ‘maybe,’” Plumb says. “This matters because when we feel uncomfortable or unsafe, our nervous system can go into a freeze or fawn response. Someone might go still, or even go along with things to keep the peace, without actually wanting it. So silence or stillness is never consent. Someone who is intoxicated cannot consent either.”

If you’re ever unsure, Plumb reminds you to always ask. “Body language is useful, but it’s easy to misread,” she says. “Verbal check-ins are what make it clear.”

Say exactly what you want

When all other methods fail, there’s a simple, straightforward one: “Ask,” Sunassee says. “My simple answer truly is to ask, and by that, I mean to state what you want or would enjoy, and ask if they would also want the same. I promise that asking for consent clearly is not unsexy, and most people are relieved to be asked rather than be left wondering whether the hand on their knee means what they think it means.”

Plumb agrees. “Saying what you want out loud is the clearest and most consent-friendly way to initiate,” Plumb adds. “Clients often worry this will feel awkward, but clear communication actually lowers anxiety for both people, and directness is often a lot sexier than we expect. I have lots of clients where a simple ‘Wanna f*ck?’ works for them too.”

Opel suggests you can have the best of both worlds. “I always suggest pairing the physical invitation with words rather than expecting them to read your mind: ‘Can I kiss you?,’ ‘Do you want to come to bed with me?,’ ‘I really want you right now, are you into that?’ or simply, ‘Want more?,’” she says. “Think of it as offering.”