What is it like to be loved by you?, by Jacob Iroko

by · The Eagle Online

The other night, my wife and I were talking after dinner. Nothing heated this time—just one of those simple conversations about our day. But as she was sharing, I caught myself half-distracted, scrolling through my phone. She paused, looked at me, and asked gently: “Are you here with me right now?”

Ouch. That question cut deeper than I expected. Because in that moment, I wasn’t really present. I wasn’t showing up in a way that made her feel loved, seen, or valued. And immediately, Part 1 of our last newsletter came rushing back to me: “What does it feel like to be loved by me?”

That’s when it hit me again—love isn’t just about what we feel inside. It’s about what the other person actually experiences on the outside.

Self-love isn’t just a nice buzzword—it’s the foundation of healthy relationships. Scripture says: “Love your neighbour as yourself (Mark 12:31).” That means the way you love yourself sets the tone for how you love them.

If you’ve been hard on yourself, neglecting your needs, or running on empty, you will show up in your relationships from that same place.

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But when you learn to love yourself well, here’s what happens:

You set healthy boundaries without guilt.

You speak kindly to yourself, and by default, to others.

You give without depleting yourself.

You become emotionally available because you’re not looking to others to fill what only you can nurture within.

The ripple effect is powerful. When you show up as a well-loved version of yourself, your relationships change. You attract respect. You inspire your partner, friends, and family to show up differently too.

So maybe the better question isn’t just: “Am I being loved right?”, but also: “Am I loving right? Am I the kind of person someone would feel safe, seen, and cherished being loved by?”

This week, take five minutes in the mirror. Not to check your hair, but to check your heart. Then ask yourself the hard but freeing question: “What is it like to be loved by me?”

Because when you start by loving yourself well, everyone you love feels the overflow.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Self-Love for Relational Growth

A. Practice Self-Reflection 

Ask yourself:  

-How do I treat myself in moments of failure? 

– Do I speak to myself with kindness or criticism?  

-What boundaries do I need to set to honour my well-being?  

Tools like journaling, prayer, or therapy can help deepen this awareness.

B. Prioritise Self-Care  

-Engage in activities that nourish your soul (reading, nature, hobbies).  

-Rest without guilt.  

-Surround yourself with positive influences. 

C. Challenge Negative Self-Talk  

Replace: “I’m not good enough,” with: “I am worthy of love as I am.” Affirmations and cognitive behavioural techniques can rewire self-sabotaging thoughts.  

D. Learn to Receive Love

Many struggle to accept love because they don’t feel deserving. Practice:  

-Accepting compliments without deflection. 

-Allowing others to care for you.  

-Believing you are worthy of love without conditions.  

The Ripple Effect:

When you love yourself, you give others permission to do the same. Your relationships transform because:

You inspire others through your self-respect.

Conflicts decrease because you don’t react out of insecurity.

Love becomes a gift, not a demand.

Or as Nayyirah Waheed beautifully put it: “How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”

Conclusion

To ask: “What is it like to be loved by me?” is to take responsibility for the love, energy, and presence you bring into your relationships. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being intentional.

So today, take five minutes in front of the mirror. Not to check your hair, but to check your heart. Then ask yourself the question again: “Would I want to be loved the way I love others?”

If the answer feels uncomfortable, don’t shame yourself. Instead, see it as an invitation to grow. Because when you start by loving yourself well, your relationships reflect that wholeness.

Remember: You can’t pour from an empty cup. The greatest gift you can give others is a well-loved version of yourself.

Your Favourite Relationship Coach JI.

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