People Who Had An Arranged Marriage (And Some Who Later Divorced) Are Sharing Their Stories
by Aaron Ant · BuzzFeedArranged marriages aren't that common in the Western world, but remain prevalent across the globe. They're more of a cultural practice that some abide by and others choose to reject.
Sometimes, people fall deeply in love with their arranged spouse and develop a life-long bond as partners and best friends. In other situations, it leads to a life of misery.
We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community to share their experiences with arranged marriages last week, and here's what they had to say.
Note: Not every submission is from the BuzzFeed Community. Some of the responses are from Reddit threads, which you can see here, here, here, here, here, and here.
1. "I had an arranged marriage a decade ago. I'm surprised by the fact that we're best friends. We argue and fight. And at the end of it, one of us meekly goes over and says something stupid like, 'Hey, you really sang well in the shower today,' and we're back to being friends. Something that only happened when I was in kindergarten, and I just enjoy it."
2. "He was a mama’s boy! He doesn’t make any decisions regarding our marriage and lives without consulting his parents."
"He wanted all his work done by me or his mom while he sat on the couch playing games. He was an absolute narcissist and never took accountability for his mistakes — everything is my mistake. Even my reaction to what he did was my mistake! He is the golden boy who never does anything wrong.
He used to save all his money or give it to his parents and spend all my money. Every expense was on me! Going out? I have to pay. He online orders? I have to pay. Weekend getaway or a trip? I have to pay for everything and make all the arrangements.
I tried for four months. With everything going on, I was just done. Packed my bags and left. He never tried to initiate a conversation to resolve things. I've waited for a year and a half in absolute radio silence and filed for a divorce."
–Two years of marriage, separated after four months.
3. "I liked him and respected him before marriage. We met in August 2020 and got married in May 2021. And it was a surprise to me. I've never been in love before. So, I always assumed that it was just not in cards for me. He told me he loved me a month before our marriage, and I was skeptical that anyone would fall in love with me."
"I am a very average-looking person who is overweight. When we started living together, his family was there for the first two weeks. After that, we were alone, and I started falling in love with him. It was not some grand gesture or anything I've read about or seen in movies. It was the little things that he did. Like, buy me chocolate after I said in passing that I like something in particular, or taking care of me when I'm not well and just being there to listen to me."
4. "I come from a conservative Southeast Asian family where arranged marriages are common. All my cousins had arranged marriages and seemed happy, so my parents naturally thought that was the route for me. My preferences for height and looks were overlooked because the elders in my family decided these things did not matter in the long run. They only considered the boy's education level and how much money he made. They found a boy who checked all their boxes, and I was engaged in 10 days and married in three-and-a-half months."
"I saw red flags but couldn't articulate my observations. It took me a year of marriage to realize we had completely different lifestyles. I was an introvert who enjoyed painting, reading books, and having a small group of close friends. He was an extrovert who invited at least ten friends home daily, and I was expected to feed and host them. Loud noises and constant chatter overstimulated me, and I was surrounded by people who spoke loudly, listened to loud music, and never stopped talking."
–Two years of marriage
5. "I had an arranged marriage, and I met my husband twice before Roka. After Roka, we took our sweet time meeting and spending time together. Slowly, we fell in love."
"Also, I want to share one experience: The first marriage year is tough. You're both getting used to each other and each other’s lifestyle, along with parents from both sides. But once you cross your first-year mark successfully without including family members in the fights and discussions, then everything is smooth. Today, we both are inseparable and love each other a lot."
6. "My husband and I married a month after our first date. We knew how absurd our decision was, yet we knew we had found a compatible partner with the same core values and common interests. Divorce was not an option for either of us (except in a case of abuse or infidelity). When we argue, there is the presumption of a solution. How we get there requires skills like open communication, problem-solving, and compromise."
7. "What a lot of people forget is that you don't just marry your partner, you marry their family too! Even if you live apart, there will be interactions between other family members and your partner, and even infrequent ones can be sources of contention and dealbreakers."
"The first couple of years of our marriage were the worst, as we had met for 30 minutes prior to getting married. Eventually, we learned each other's likes and dislikes and avoided the dislikes as much as possible. We didn't 'fall in' love; we learned to love each other as we were. We both had the option to tap out at any time.
On the day she'd left her family, her dad had told her she did not have to stay in the marriage if she didn't want to and was welcome to go back home any time. We made it work because marriage isn't a bed of roses. It's a work in progress. And it remains so for the entirety of your lives. Good marriages are ones where both partners actively communicate and nurture it every day. I'm not saying that non-arranged marriages don't have this, but to dismiss arranged ones as having no options is just ignorant in this day and age."
8. "Almost five years of arranged marriage here with a 2-year-old kid. I still don't know if I love her or not. If not, I don't know if I will ever be able to love her. Sometimes, I think that a love marriage would have been better. I still think I married at the early age of 25 after caving into my parents' pressure. Some days, I am just a sad and depressed man. On those days, I survive only by thinking about the kid."
9. "Marriage is the biggest gamble of your life. It either works or doesn't. Love or arranged doesn't matter. I am in an arranged marriage, and it's amazing. We met and just knew it. We pushed our parents into getting us married sooner rather than later — the best decision of my life. Most of my friends are divorced. One love, one arranged."
10. "Been married for eight years now. Was an arranged marriage. Initially, we struggled to connect for a week, then we laid some ground rules, and we're still sticking to them. The ground rules work. We're a happy couple with two kids. We share somewhat similar upbringings, and that probably helped, too."
11. "Though we both have different personalities, we have similarities too. And our senses of humor match. The best thing we did was move out and stay away from our parents."
"We have the freedom to go out whenever we feel like without the added baggage of informing parents and them getting unhappy about not being invited, etc. We visit our parents' house regularly but don't stay for long, and they're happy to have us around. It's a win-win for all.
Staying with parents comes with added conflict. Small misunderstandings become bigger issues. Staying apart with occasional visits brings people closer, actually."
12. "I had an arranged marriage and I've never been this happy. I had a few ex-girlfriends, but it would've been a big mistake if I had married any of them."
13. "The process wasn’t great. But ultimately, it’s worth the wait. I encountered many different types of guys/families until I found my hubby. Also, I have to tell you, it’s a gamble. Because you can never completely know/understand a person until you start living with him/her. This is exactly what my hubby told me when we first met. He said that no matter how often we meet before the wedding, we will tend to showcase our best behavior. We connected and went with the flow. Also, we fought once before the engagement."
"I thought the marriage wouldn't take place, and my parents were like, 'Why did you talk to him so much?' They said don’t talk too much before marriage. But that’s the thing. Don’t pretend; be yourself and the right person will understand you. Also, an arranged marriage is so much better than wasting your time on dating apps trying to find 'the one.’ Because nobody’s there for committed relationships.
Things I love about my husband: confidence, integrity, and loyalty. Also, we had similar childhood upbringings and memories, which we discussed during our initial conversations. That’s how I knew he was the one!"
14. "Well, I'm coming from an Orthodox Guju family, so my marriage was also a strict arranged marriage. In fact, I didn't get a chance to talk before our engagement, while after marriage, I found out we're both almost opposite in everything. But, what works for both of us is that we tried and gave our best for our marriage, and after nine years, no issues."
15. "I had an arranged marriage in 1986. I was 20, and I am Sikh. I have three children, all now adults. Last year, I found out my ex-husband was cheating on me with a girlfriend the same age as our daughter (36, and he is 61). Then I learned he had been cheating on me for the last 10 years, and he went to India every year and had numerous girlfriends; I was the last person to know. His family knew everything and supported him. My family loved and worshipped him, and so did I; I also found out my ex is a multi-millionaire, and we are in the process of divorce."
–36.5 years of marriage
16. "Married for more than 10 years now. The more time I spend with my spouse, and the more I see the modern dating culture, etc., the more convinced I am about arranged marriage. The best decision is to get married within the 'known circle.' Anyway, nowadays, it's not blind marriage like it used to be 30-40 years ago. People get time and a chance to talk to future prospects and can call it off at any time if they find themselves incompatible before marriage. Once married, try to do everything possible to make it work without tolerating abuse (physical or mental). This is applicable for both genders."
17. "I married through an arranged marriage. I'm a woman. My parents put an advertisement in the Sunday Observer, and his parents responded. They first exchanged pics, and we liked each other's pics enough to check horoscopes. Horoscopes were checked, and they matched. Then, my now-husband and I started talking on the phone and clicked instantly. We found out we had so many interests in common and the same sense of humor. After we started talking on the phone, there wasn't any further involvement from our parents. From then on, it was just like regular dating life."
"After talking every day on the phone for like two weeks, we finally met up, and what was supposed to be simply a lunch date turned into a whole-day hangout. We started meeting up whenever we could. I was living alone and he stayed over many nights. Both my parents and his knew that he was staying over, but they were surprisingly (given how most SL parents are 😂) chill about it. We fell in love, got married, and are now expecting our first child. I can definitely say that he is my best friend and the love of my life."
18. "I’m in an arranged marriage, and trust me, it’s not what you think. Every single relationship, including marriage, has its ups and downs, but arranged marriages are a pain because you stay in this even if you don’t want to because of what it’ll do to your family’s image and all that nonsense. Not happy? Leave."
"Don’t think about what it’ll do to your parents. When they think it’s the best for you and you realize it’s not, just leave. They cannot force you to be with someone. Stay single if it makes you happy, but don’t fall into the trap of marriage just because. And please remember: Having kids with your partner in a marriage just because of pressure will not make the relationship better. It’ll only make it worse, and make you resent one another in front of your kids. Don’t traumatize them. Let the trauma stop with you, and don’t pass it on. Please."
H/T: r/India, r/AskIndia, r/NoStupidQuestions, r/SriLanka, r/RelationshipIndia
Note: Some responses have been edited for grammar, length and clarity.