Divorced People Are Sharing The Moment They Knew It Was Time To Call It Quits On Their Marriage
by Hannah Loewentheil · BuzzFeedMarriage is supposed to be forever, but, of course, it doesn't always turn out that way. Some people grow apart while others realize they've married the wrong person, and for some couples, divorce is the best option. Well, over on Quora, people were discussing how they knew their marriage was doomed, and it was time to get a divorce. Here are some of their stories.
1. "I had been unhappy in my marriage for years but was determined to stick it out for the kids as long as I could. I knew he loved the kids, but he became more combative with them as they grew. He couldn't tolerate them correcting him or having their own opinions. He would be OK to live with as long as everything was going well, but if any problems arose, he became impossible..."
"...He would go into a diatribe against me in front of the kids. I could never be just 'shit happens,' but it had to be somebody's fault — and it was never going to be his. As my daughter got older, she became increasingly angry by these rants. By age 12, she finally joined the argument, telling him to lay off me, that he wasn't being fair.
One night at dinner, it got awful, and he called her a cow and maybe a bitch (although I can't remember for sure about this particular time). She ran upstairs to her room, and my son (2 years younger) followed her. My ex got up and started to go upstairs. I was afraid he would hit her; he was so furious. He wasn't generally physically abusive but had resorted to spanking on occasion. I stood on the stairs, blocked his way, and told him if he came any further, I would call the police. And I really didn't want to do that, that it would be horrible, messy, and embarrassing (we lived on the corner so that the whole neighborhood would know). But I meant it, and I think he could tell.
He backed off and sulked away. A little later, I went upstairs to check on the kids crying in her room. And one of them said, 'Why don't you just divorce him?' That was the point that I knew that although divorce might hurt the kids, staying was worse."
2. "I realized after over 22 years of marriage that I didn't marry my best friend. I see commercials, reality TV shows, interviews, etc., with all kinds of people saying they married their best friend. I was like, why didn't anyone tell me that? I had been with this guy since I was around 19 and were together for 9 years before marriage..."
"When I think about it, our relationship wasn't anything extraordinary. We were just two people who hung out with each other and got along really well. There were no honest conversations, no real expressions of feelings, etc., just being together. I always see people on Facebook and other places (public, etc.) showing their affection for their significant other, but I never mention my husband in any context. It's sad that I've gotten to this place, really.
He doesn't help out with anything; he has no empathy for anyone or anything; he can be deceptive (not regarding me, but others); he is unemotional (I've only seen him cry when his dad died); he has no interest in things I do or want to do, can be verbally abusive, and the list goes on. I feel like I'm here just to satisfy him sexually (which I have no interest in). I want to be with someone I can talk to…about anything. Someone I can be emotional with and trusting of. Someone who wants to do things with me and encourages me to do what I want to do. Someone who deeply cares about me."
3. "We finally went for counseling, after many years of me asking and months of pleading. We were talking to the counselor, and he started this thing he did: beginning with one thing he had a problem with me about, he started to range freely over unrelated topics he was also angry about until several minutes had passed by with nothing but him attacking me..."
"...The counselor stopped him. She pointed out how I was practically cowering in my corner of the sofa. Since he has some characteristics of being on the autism spectrum, she even got very specific about body language and cues he could see to know that I was upset, scared, and feeling attacked. She said she hadn't detected anything overtly abusive in his actual words but directed him to look at my reaction to try and understand how I was feeling.
After we left her office, he gave me his view of the interaction: that the counselor was saying that his behavior was perfect and that I should stop reacting to his rants that way. It was then that I truly understood precisely how invested he was in how I felt at any given moment: not at all. A lot of things fell into place at that moment. I realized he would never be willing to put himself in my place and try to understand my feelings.
I realized that he would never apologize for hurting me because, in his view, nothing he said or did was hurtful. I realized that if we stayed together, nothing would change because his perception was that he was acting in the precise way a husband ought to act. I realized he thought, knew, and believed he was one hundred percent right and above reproach.
And I realized I couldn't live that way because it's not a dynamic that can support a marriage. So, to the point of why I'm writing this: Someone who is getting married, building a relationship, or trying to save a relationship might read it. No one is correct 100 percent of the time. No two people agree 100 percent of the time. You will hurt each other.
You will disappoint each other. You will do or say things that are unexpectedly damaging to the other. Those things are not, in themselves, relationship-ending. What is the death of a relationship? It is never being able to empathize, to understand that someone is hurting, to admit guilt, and to apologize. Even now, it's hard to accept that I will never get an apology for anything he did in the past or might do in the future, but it's a truth I will have to live with."
4. "I was no longer his partner. I tried to convince myself that everything was fine for a long time. My husband was kind and thoughtful — always there when I needed him. But over the years, I felt like I was slowly fading, my voice becoming quieter in the relationship. He listened, but I wasn't truly being heard. I wasn't part of the decisions that mattered most in our life together..."
"...It was little things at first, decisions about where we'd eat or shop, but then it became more significant—like where we'd live, how we'd plan for our future. I would bring up my concerns, hoping we'd reach a middle ground, and while he'd agree to compromises in words, his actions told a different story. It was as if my opinions had no place in the life we were building together. The day he bought a car was when everything broke.
We discussed in detail our budget and what kind of car would be best for us. It wasn't just about preferences; this was a large purchase using our shared family funds. We had a plan to make an intelligent decision together. But in the end, he ignored that and bought the car he wanted. When I asked why, he simply shrugged it off, saying it was an impulse buy.
My first instinct was always to communicate. I had married this man with the hope that we could work through our issues together. It wasn't necessary to be involved in every decision that broke me. What truly shattered us was that I had made an effort to communicate; we had discussed things and reached agreements, but in the end, those efforts were in vain. That's what ultimately broke us."
5. "It was the night I got home from work, made dinner while my husband worked out, and my boys played. My husband was unhappy that I was working despite desperately needing income. He expected me to prepare dinner, clean, and do the laundry, with little if any help from him..."
"...When dinner was ready and on the table, I called the kids to wash their hands and come to the table. The boys were seated, and my husband came in, stood at his place, looked at the meal I'd prepared, looked at me, and said, 'I'm not hungry.' My seven-year-old son says, 'Ya, mommy, I'm not hungry either!' I decided then that I could no longer allow my two young sons to witness how their father treated their mother. It was the beginning of my resolve to leave him. That moment is etched in my memory."
6. "The day before our marriage, we moved into a new apartment together. Because of our work schedules, he moved his things in before I did. When I got there with my clothes, I found that he had put clothing in every dresser drawer, even though he put only a small amount in each drawer..."
"No empty drawer for me. The closet was the same way. He had spread out his things, so I had no space to hang my things. I asked him, laughing a little, where he wanted me to put my clothes, as he was spread out. He got the most confused look on his face. He hadn't thought about the reality of sharing space with another person.
The marriage was doomed because he did not want to share a home with me. I was to have the kitchen and laundry, while all else was his. I should never have said 'I do' after seeing his face puzzled at the thought of leaving room for me."
7. "There were many things, but the moment that cemented it for me was when he said, 'I make the money, so I should be able to spend it however I like...'"
"...HE was the one who wanted me to be a stay-at-home mum to our kiddos. I was more than happy to return to work, but he insisted that I stay at home until my youngest child started school. The second those words were out of his mouth, he KNEW he had messed up and started backpedaling and apologizing, but it was too late. I told him to sleep in the boat, threw his PJs into the backyard, and locked him out. He drove to his brother's place and stayed there for a few days with the boat & when he came back, I told him I wanted a divorce. That was it."
8. "My wife and I were going through marriage counseling. We had been married for seven years. We were both on the fence about whether to go ahead with a divorce. I think I was leaning more towards a divorce than she was. Well, one day after dinner, I was washing dishes, and she stood beside me talking. She was saying that it wouldn't be terrible being married to me, being that I wasn't a wife-beater, unemployed, or whatever. I guess it would be okay, but it could be worse. And I realized that I didn't want a wife that would settle for me. I wanted a wife that would love me. I knew right at that moment that our marriage was over. And it was."
9. "I had gotten home from my work in a department store on a busy Saturday. My husband was out all day with our 15-month-old son. The time passed slowly. There were no cell phones then, and I was very worried..."
"...The baby should have been bathed, fed, and in bed two hours ago. I called my sister-in-law, and she drove over. And we waited. At 10:30 p.m., he finally got home. He was drunk, holding our baby. My son's face was deathly white. He was in a diaper with urine soaked up into his shirt. I grabbed the baby and had only one thought in a split second. I'm out!"
10. "I had a clear 'lightbulb' moment, even if the end of my marriage was a few years later. We were on holiday, and our place had a pile of magazines. We did a quiz together from one of those magazines, something along the lines of 'given your family history, what's your life expectancy' (cheerful stuff, eh?)..."
"...Anyway, when we worked out the numbers from this silly magazine quiz, I instantly thought, 'Oh good! I'll have 10 years of freedom starting when I'm 60′. The absolute relief at that thought was amazing. That was when I realized I did not want to be in that marriage. I think I was 27 at the time. It took me a couple more years, but we divorced, which was right for me to do. We didn't have children, so we had no one else to consider, and I at least am now so much happier, 20 years later, with the person I subsequently married."
11. "I decided that my marriage was over while I was in the hospital about to give birth to our daughter. It wasn't because he left me alone after her delivery. It wasn't because our celebratory steak dinner for two sat untouched while my plate filled with tears, and he went to work. It wasn't even because he picked that day to develop a sudden work ethic after five years of excuses..."
"...It wasn't loneliness, jealousy, or even anger that brought me to the sad and untimely realization that my marriage was over. It was a small thing, no bigger than a clenched fist. It was a bruise that told the story of a clenched fist hitting the side of my very pregnant belly. It was a bruise that I didn't even know I had. More than that, I didn't even remember when it happened or why.
It was the realization that it was such a common occurrence that I couldn't even remember it. It was the realization that I was permitting him to treat me that way every time I let it slide. It was the overwhelming fear that my baby could've been hurt. It was the sudden understanding that both of my babies would be hurt, even if he never touched them. They were in for a lifetime of pain and hurt if I kept loving their daddy. So I decided right there, lying in my hospital bed on one of the happiest days of my life, that I owed it to my babies to give them a happy life, even if that meant doing it on my own."
12. "A friend once shared with me her tipping point in a marriage that had been struggling for years. It wasn't a dramatic argument or a scandalous event that pushed them over the edge, but rather a quiet realization during a seemingly mundane moment. They were sitting across from their spouse at breakfast, each buried in their thoughts and smartphones when it struck them: they felt utterly alone despite being in the same room..."
"...This profound loneliness wasn't new, but in that instant, it crystallized into a clear understanding that they were fundamentally incompatible as life partners. For years, they had danced around the issues, attributing their unhappiness to external factors like stress at work, financial pressures, or the challenges of parenting. They had tried couples therapy, vacations designed to rekindle the romance, and countless heart-to-heart conversations. Despite these efforts, the fundamental disconnect remained.
They no longer shared the same values, goals, or even fundamental interests. The love that once brought them together had transformed into a deep, respectful friendship at best. The decision to divorce came from recognizing that staying together was not honoring the love they once had. It was a mutual acknowledgment that they both deserved the chance to find happiness, even if that meant being apart.
The process was not easy, fraught with logistical and emotional challenges, but the initial decision stemmed from a place of clarity and understanding. This story reminded me that the most profound realizations sometimes come from quiet moments of reflection. It's not always the loud, chaotic events that prompt significant life changes but often the still, small voice inside us that whispers truths we've tried to ignore. My friend's experience taught me the importance of listening to that voice and facing hard truths with courage and openness."
13. "I knew it was doomed on my wedding night. Once I got to my honeymoon suite that friends had decorated so carefully and beautifully, my new husband passed out, Face first, on the bed at 10 p.m., in his wedding suit. He was very, very drunk. There was only one thing I had asked of him during our wedding: Don't get too drunk. So, since he couldn't keep that simple promise, I immediately realized I had married the wrong man. Luckily, two years later, I was back on the market."
14. "I knew for a long time before the separation happened, probably for about two years. Things were steadily becoming 'more often bad than good,' and the marriage began to wilt and wither. I moved into the spare bedroom. We stopped liking the same things. We just got on each other's nerves..."
"...Even the most innocuous conversations devolved into 'Why did you just say that in that tone?'. Our counselor told us to stop using the terms' you always…' and 'you never…' But it was hard because that's what it felt like. Eventually, we both got too exhausted to keep up the pretense. I count the day I drove my husband to his new house as the day we officially separated, but it happened long ago. Like many marriages, it ended not with a bang but with a series of whimpers."