55 People Who Just Straight Up Had A Way, Way, Way, Way, Way, Way, Way, Way, Way, Way, Way, Way Worse September Than You

1. The person who will henceforth be known as "Suburban Hulk":

2. The person who got the inside of their car detailed for FREE:

3. The person who is getting ready to shave their entire bathroom:

4. The person whose truck is going to be a major factory at the LA Olympics in 2028:

5. The person who might want to flee the country:

6. The person whose car is for the birds:

7. The person whose oven has transcended space and time:

8. The person who made this year's hottest and trendiest food:

9. The person who left a fun trail back to the grocery store:

10. The person whose fan fell ferociously from up high:

11. The person whose rear-end I am currently lighting a candle for:

12. The person who did not, in fact, scooch by:

13. The person whose toilet perished tragically:

14. The person whose car got a fresh, nice coat of paint:

15. The person who's trapped in some sort of evil-Ratatouille situation:

16. The person who will now always be listening to music:

17. The person whose shake went boom:

That's gonna get a doom from me.

18. The person who gave their mouse a good 'n' proper goopin':

19. The person who was kind enough to share some dental hygiene tips with their cat:

20. The person whose neighbors never let the party die:

21. The person whose shirt galavanted off to a magical land:

22. The person who successfully decanted a diaper:

23. The person who had to yabba dabba doo this car to work:

24. The person who just drank the Prometheus goo:

25. The person who made a bunch of new friends today:

26. The person who Weezer would be ashamed of:

27. The person whose waffle has seen things... terrible things:

28. The person whose washing machine is up to some shady stuff behind closed doors:

29. The person whose straw is an apt metaphor for their entire life:

30. The person who will never be comfortable pumpin' ever again:

31. The person whose bacon is approximately 97.85% fat:

32. The person who found the world's strongest carrot, the likes of which no man shall ever wield:

33. The person who is currently being sonned by a fruit fly:

34. The person who is currently losing the war against the machines:

35. The person who loves their cat very much, I'm sure:

36. The person who got hotboxed by dirty, old sandal:

37. The person whose PS5 might need a light cleaning:

38. The person who had a nightmare in their pants:

39. The person who experienced true tragedy:

40. The person whose laptop looks absolutely delicious now:

41. The person who now must go on a hero's journey to retrieve their TP:

42. The person who's going to need a chisel to get a pill:

43. The person who got some great Dali-inspired kitchenware:

44. The person who just lived every gym-goer's worst nightmare:

45. The person whose jelly-filled donut was an absolute affront to all things good and jam filled:

46. The person whose coat hanger had a bit of an accident:

47. The person who just hooked a tree up with the ride of a lifetime:

48. The person who knows nothing but sadness lies beneath this bowl:

49. The person whose cookies are simply unrecognizable:

I've seen things... terrible things.

50. The person whose entire world came crashing down:

51. The person who had a very special flavor of syrup:

52. The person who learned a lesson as old as time:

53. The person whose car just got destroyed:

54. The person whose railing went absolutely nuclear:

55. And the person whose apple is quite literally rotten to the core:

AHHHHH!