The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives Recap: Dancing in the Dark

The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives
The Book of Exodus
Season 4 Episode 4
Editor’s Rating ★★★
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I can’t wait for Demi to be fully and officially excised from this group so that MomTok can, at last, focus on its true common enemy: Dakota. This man has dragged Taylor and, by extension, the rest of us along this emotional roller coaster for long enough. 

As the leader of MomTok, Taylor’s decisions about her personal life have the power to blow back on everyone. And right now, Taylor cannot stop herself from initiating phone sex with Dakota even while sobbing over his indiscretions at Vanderpump Villa. Taylor does not seem emotionally prepared to date anyone right now, much less two dozen men all vying for her hand simultaneously on The Bachelorette. But her friends are all trying their damndest to get her there.

Since Taylor doesn’t have that much experience dating in general, Jessi and Miranda surprise her with a speed-dating event, which they think could be the perfect training ground. You can see the logic. As the Bachelorette, Taylor will be making snap romantic decisions based on a few moments of conversation with 30-odd different guys, most of whose names she will not be able to remember. Speed dating operates on the same basic principle. At the event, Jessi — despite her technically married status — shows herself to be a natural flirt. At the same time, Taylor spends most of the afternoon giggling uncomfortably into her sleeve and quickly becomes overstimulated. The experiment comes to a close when one of Taylor’s dates pulls up her Bachelorette promo photo, and she has to extricate herself and her friends posthaste.

But no matter, Jessi is not out of ideas. As an aside, if Jessi ever wanted to change careers, I feel like she would excel at planning bachelorette parties. Since speed dating only made Taylor more nervous, Jessi goes ahead and hires the dating coach who organized the speed-dating event to give Taylor some one-on-one tutelage. Her advice is for Taylor to focus on the kind of guy she actually wants, not the kind of guy who feels familiar, because everyone is united in the fear that Taylor is going to self-sabotage. Miranda, a true voice of a generation, thinks Taylor has a void in herself that she won’t let herself feel but that she wants a man to fill. I love Miranda. No drama, she’s just here to periodically voice the most correct opinions you’ve ever heard on reality TV and then move on. 

On the opposite end of the spectrum, here is Jordan. Whatever toxic fairy dust Dakota sprinkled in Taylor’s eyes that’s keeping her trapped in his orbit seems to have made its way to DadTok. Now, Jordan is insisting that Dakota be invited on the group trip to Los Angeles, despite Dakota having no legitimate reason to be there. Jordan is describing it as a DadTok trip, but it is actually a MomTok trip to support Jen’s and Whitney’s debuts on Dancing With the Stars. Because there is no MomTok parade, large or small, that Jordan will not happily rain on in his quest to make DadTok happen. “Taylor and MomTok do not get to decide who gets to come on our MomTok and DadTok trips,” Jordan grumbles, a statement as petulant as it is inaccurate. It is only after Jordan has successfully convinced Dakota to crash this party that he seems to realize the size of the powder keg he has just lit. “I really hope that we can all co-inhabitate together,” he says nervously in his confessional, while Taylor fantasizes openly about flaunting her dates around Dakota.

Demi, in case you were wondering, will not be staying in the palatial Airbnb that the Mom-and-DadTokers have rented; she will be staying in a hotel. Nor will she be filming with the rest of the cast. She will, however, be sitting with MomTok in the Dancing With the Stars audience as though she were still a full-fledged MomTok member.

With that one notable exception, relationships between the women have reached unprecedented levels of heartwarming. Not only has Whitney been reinstated in the group chat, Mikayla (Mikayla!) so regrets their feud that she is moved to tears at having missed sharing in the newborn phase with Whitney after her last baby was born. In the spirit of reforging their friendship, Mikayla is both wearing and posting vote-for-Whitney T-shirts backstage at Dancing With the Stars. If these two can work it out, peace in the Middle East should be just around the corner.

The good vibes abound at Dancing With the Stars, despite Demi. Whitney’s performance is incredible, and everyone admires the strength of Jen’s pelvic floor. Mikayla, in particular, cannot stop marveling that Jen gave birth just weeks before she did and is already doing backflips on live TV. The celebratory mood sours a bit, however, when word reaches the moms that Dakota is back at the house.

Now, Mayci has also been trying to get Taylor to date anyone but Dakota. To that end, she has set her up with podcaster Harry Jowsey, whom she met on her book tour. Mayci doesn’t think Harry and Taylor are really right for each other, but that doesn’t matter as long as Taylor has someone, literally anyone, keeping her distracted until The Bachelorette. At this point, as the women are driving back to the house, Harry Jowsey has not yet committed to coming over to party with Taylor. “Call him,” Mayci orders Taylor, hoping that Harry will be enough to keep Taylor out of Dakota’s bed for one night at least. In retrospect, this was probably shortsighted. Having an enormous blowup has never kept Taylor and Dakota from hooking up before. This is only going to wake the babies.

Well, eventually Harry arrives and is startled to see an infant — our first indication that he is unprepared for what awaits him in this particular TikTok house. Does he know, for example, that on another part of the property, Dakota is pacing the lawn and preparing himself to “fuck someone up tonight”? If so, I doubt this visit will last long enough to prevent the inevitable.