The Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip Recap: Forged in the Fire of Housewives

The Real Housewives: Ultimate Girls Trip
Sisterhood of the Traveling Housewives
Season 5 Episode 7
Editor’s Rating ★★★★
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Most viewers come to The Real Housewives for the drama, but we stay for the sisterhood. And on the heels of RHOSLC’s emotionally poignant premiere, Housewives sentimentality is reaching an apex. Tonight’s UGT rides this high, showing us that at the center of it all, Housewives is, to quote Quad Webb, one of Bravo’s greatest orators, “a state of love, bonding, trust, and real friendship.” Okay, maybe that’s a bit romanticized, but that’s what this trip is all about. We’re not here to talk about the dirty side of the show; we’re here to celebrate its place in popular culture and the women that made it happen. And part of that means acknowledging the sacrifice it took and the domino effect set in motion by signing that first-season contract, a decision that will bond them forever.

This heartfelt episode comes at the perfect time, because we were starting to lose steam with that fever dream of a beach day featuring an overserved Luann and imagery of Elvis’s bloating corpse on a toilet seat. Not very chic. But thankfully, Lisa Hochstein’s lingerie party sets things back on course. Unlike Lisa’s past parties, we’re spared the spirits of Lenny and Joe Francis, but it’s still a coterie of women dressed like “blown-up sex dolls,” as Kyle described. Hey, when in Rome! Most of the RHOM cast is there, along with a few faces from Jersey and a true blast from the past: Peggy Tanous. I haven’t heard that name in a while … or at all, actually, because I genuinely didn’t know her last name until I had to type it in this recap. I wonder if Vicki even recognized her or if she was too busy lamenting that she didn’t know anyone at the party. Vicki’s statement that no one would miss her if she didn’t leave the car is unfortunately true — not because no one cares about the OG of the OC, but because of the gray cloud that surrounds her at all times. The rest of the women have pretty much accepted Vicki’s temperament by now and mostly operate around her, enjoying the refreshing Miami energy after the bumpiness of the previous parties.

Teresa and Melissa have their first on-camera moment since their Bravo-mandated time-out. Being that they’re the reason RHONJ cameras have been down for the last two years, they’re on their best behavior, acting like their truce comes from a place of healing and not desperation to recoup lost income and camera time. Similarly to how NeNe positioned her screen time on RHUGT as a screen test of sorts to tease what being back on Bravo would look like, Melissa and Teresa have been playing up their détente on social media and now at the lingerie party to prove they can coexist. No one believes they’ll ever truly like each other (their act reads like two misbehaving siblings having to share the neckhole of a “get along” T-shirt), but my goodness, are we sick of having to muster up a shit to give about it, so I’m all for the niceties.

Melissa extends the kumbaya to Jersey OG Jacqueline Laurita, squashing whatever beef they had left over from the Great Giudice-Gorga Conflict. The Miami women also pick up where they left off; we get a post-Jody Lisa, a Todd Nepola mention, Larsa still beefing with Lisa, an introduction to Kiki’s new boobs, and a not great but not terrible performance of “Feel the Rush” from Adriana — I just love the song! It’s in the top intros along with Married to Medicine and, of course, Vanderpump Rules. Lisa gives a speech that’s basically a summary of her life after joining the show and, although this is on brand for her level of narcissism, she should’ve taken the same route as NeNe, Tre, and Melissa. She should’ve used that time to lip-sync for her life to get Miami back on air by talking about everything that makes RHOM special (Latina diversity! Camp! Mysticism! Teresa’s Cuban twin! Haitian morticians!) as if she were pitching it to the head of NBCUniversal. We want our girls back! Regardless, it was great seeing them chatter in their typical Miami telenovela fashion. It’s lighthearted and fun to watch, a contrast to the energy the Salt Lake City cast brought to the last two events.

The absence of the SLC women and their tension with Barlow aids the convivial atmosphere, but Lisa isn’t completely safe from a whacking. For whatever reason, Larsa makes it known that she, too, was at The Accountant 2 premiere with Ben Affleck, before advising her friend to stop name-dropping. This is virtually impossible for Baby Gorgeous — who else makes it a point to say they were on a “super” yacht? — and she defaults to name-dropping Blake Lively. She just can’t help herself! And she’s in good company because next, the women head to New York, the city that arguably turned the franchise from a mere anthropological exercise into an incubator for delusional divas seeking the spotlight.

There’s something special about RHONY with its bombastic personalities and East Coast confidence; New York is the first cast to feature people who come off like larger-than-life characters compared to the slice-of-life vibe of early OC, which is what people really mean when they say they “put Housewives on the map.” It’s funny because the other women’s respective irritations with Vicki and Luann (Porsha is hilarious for saying getting Lu together was next on her and Gizelle’s agenda) point to the cultural difference between the apples and oranges. Deep inside, Vicki is still that little girl in Chicago who needs constant reassurance; meanwhile, you can’t dare tell Luann she wasn’t born to be the center of attention.

The haughtiness and audacity of RHONY set a precedent for future cities, making the infamous season-nine Gangster Lunch an obvious scene to re-create. Carole Radziwill and Dorinda Medley join the cast at the restaurant that’s now home to the “Clip!” table, memorialized after one of Dorinda’s tirades. Sadly, we don’t get a Sonja appearance because, according to Lu, “unless you’re waving five grand in front of Sonja’s face, she’s not showing up.” But it’s honestly for the best, because her dramatics could’ve turned the lunch from refreshingly honest to maudlin if she’d gotten stuck on a “smoky eye, updo, Gstaad” loop. We’re already dealing with Luann; let’s not push it.

After reminiscing on the moments that made the scene so iconic, Carole reads an excerpt of something she wrote following her RHONY homecoming at BravoCon. She reads, “There’s a strange, undeniable sisterhood among us. For one night, the grudges, the fights, the eye rolls, the headline-making feuds, they all soften. What is left is the bond of a group of women who survived this beautifully flawed universe together, who leave behind 20-plus years of laughter, chaos, and guilty pleasures for millions of people. A sisterhood, forged in the fire of Housewives.” The table erupts in tears as she encapsulates the unique experience that links them all.

Teresa particularly feels the weight of Carole’s words, as she’s arguably the Housewife who’s been through the most on the show between the birth of her daughter, the loss of both her parents, and her stint in jail. Tre cries in this rare safe space for her, telling the women that “very little” of her time on TV has been good. Teresa’s openness touches something in Gizelle, an ice queen until she talks about her kids, and she shares that her eldest daughter, Grace, looks up to Gia, which is a testament to Teresa’s parenting. This prompts Kyle, who has four dorters like Teresa, to share that Portia wrote her college essays about having no memories of life before the cameras, leaving her with guilt as a mother. 

Mom guilt is something all mothers can relate to, cameras or not, as Porsha points out when she gets to testifying (I love when she gets like this). She’s right, but there is something to be said about their specific type of guilt. For each of these women, there will always be a violent rip in their life’s timeline: There’s before the show, and there’s after the show. For the OGs, who couldn’t foresee the full scope of what this meant, the consequences might feel the starkest. Kyle and Teresa had no idea what they were passing on to their offspring, but their daughters will be permanently affected by a choice they made, and it’s refreshing to hear them speak so candidly about the dark side of being trapped in the Bravosphere. But, for better or for worse, at least they have each other to lean on. 

The Gangster Lunch is sappier than anyone could’ve imagined, but it was a necessary conversation for the trip. And the hilarity of Luann taking off her jacket in the middle of the emotions to reveal her screenprinted mug shot was the cherry on top. Plus a new Tre-ism — “HDHD” instead of ADHD — entered the lexicon, delivered by her singular brain cell. They head back to the hotel to get ready for Luann’s Halloween-themed party. Teresa goes as Cher; Lisa and Kyle are cats; Vicki dresses as Taylor Swift; Dorinda rewears her Lady Gaga bubble suit; Carole is an apt Steven Tyler; and Luann goes as herself in an homage to her St. Barts pirate costume. Other notable guests, outside of the hangers-on that Lu invited, include Jill Zarin with cat ears; Kelly Bensimon, a.k.a. Jelly Bean Girl, as Chanel Ayan calls her, dressed as “The Fairy Dating Mother” (whatever that means); Alex McCord in a red cape and boots; and Chanel as “the prostitute from my village.” Jessel Taank, Sai De Silva, and Erin Lichy represent the new RHONY, with Jessel displaying her foot-in-mouth syndrome when she chides Dorinda for being an outfit repeater.

Meanwhile, despite the party happening in full swing, Porsha is still getting ready in the hotel, trying to find a safe for her jewelry. The emcee invites the UGT cast onstage to start the magic show Luann has been eagerly anticipating. Porsha’s tardiness enrages Lu, who wants to be the head bitch in charge while they’re in New York, and her irritation spills into the promo for next week’s episode, where she chastises Porsha in front of all of the guests. We get a preview of Luann’s ensuing temper tantrum the next day, and Porsha eventually squares up to check her. Proceed with caution, Luann; you might be used to showboating in your own world of delusions, but you’ve yet to face a truly activated Atlanta peach, sisterhood be damned.