The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Ghoulish Gossip and Spooky Spats

The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Halloween Hot Pocket
Season 17 Episode 16
Editor’s Rating ★★★
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Although Shamea escaped a Scottish coffin by the skin of her teeth, she returns to Atlanta only to pick up a shovel and dig a bigger grave for herself. When even K. Michelle is bewildered, you know it’s bad. K. Michelle, in all of her delusion, might not fully understand what’s happening (her surmising that Dennis was “smuggling” Pilar to the Mwangi house is hilariously indicative of how loose her grasp of reality is), but she knows it’s rough enough to pull Shamea aside and allow her yet another chance to redeem herself. Outside of Kelli — who doesn’t really count because she’s basically Shamea’s tenant, as Angela shadily points out later — K. is the last cast member willing to allow Shamea to course correct. 

During a yoga session, K. Michelle tells Angela that despite feeling disconnected from Shamea after Scotland, she wants to rectify their friendship while also being fair to her as a castmate. She reasons that Shamea feels left out, to which Angela laughs, snapping us back to reality by reminding K. Michelle that Shamea is more often than not the aggressor or, as she puts it, “the weapon is in her hands.” Angela then says that Shamea is a professional victim. She’s right. Shamea may have her tail between her legs now, stating in the episode and at her recent WWHL taping that Porsha’s “got it,” to make it seem like she’s throwing her arms up in mercy, but it’s really her last attempt at painting herself as a battered victim of “bullying” in the hopes of garnering sympathy.

K. Michelle sits Shamea down for a sister-to-sister one-on-one lunch, prefacing her questions by saying she doesn’t want to see her friend self-destruct. K. asks Shamea, “What made you do that?” with so much sincerity it’s a shock that Shamea stands by her argument that she was on the defense and had no choice but to drop the Miss Diane bomb. Shamea leans into the pain of losing her friendship, saying it hurts as bad as a divorce. K. Michelle is sympathetic but emphasizes it still doesn’t condemn what Shamea did in Scotland. K. Michelle says in her confessional that she doesn’t want Shamea to let the fallout of her friendship with Porsha define her. It’s a great point because not only is it affecting Shamea within this cast, but it’s tainting her overall performance as a Housewife … which isn’t that great this season anyway. 

When we analyze what Shamea is bringing to the show outside of the stain of her drama with Porsha, things don’t look too good. Funnily enough, Porsha knows this, which makes her actions in tonight’s episode even more petty. In line with the residual Gothic themes carrying over from their time in Scotland, as Shamea digs herself a deeper grave, Porsha inflicts psychological warfare on Shamea, declaring to K. Michelle that now it’s “World War III.” She cranks up her performance of indifference from passive to full-on aggressive, progressing from waterboarding to straight-up drowning. Just as Lauren warned Porsha to be careful fighting with Shamea because Shamea knows exactly how to rile her up, Porsha knows how to play the perfect mind game to torture her ex bestie. It’s particularly twisted because Porsha is testing Shamea’s worst fear: that she can’t successfully stand outside of Porsha’s shadow on the show. 

For me, this points to the most ironic part of this whole debacle — now that Shamea is on the show, she’s not exactly having a stellar time. And, if Porsha was really her “person,” as she declares in tonight’s episode, was the show worth it to throw away that relationship? She’s fighting with everyone, her relationship with her “close” friend blew up in her face, her husband doesn’t seem to enjoy it, she’s in therapy, and now she’s getting dragged by fans. I mean, look at what happens when Shamea has to stand on her own as a Housewife without relying on her story line with Porsha. Her personal story with the rum business is falling apart at the seams; she’s on a self-inflicted apology tour; and she brings strays onto our screens when she summons Angela’s neighbors, Ashley and George, to clear up the rumors. 

First, Shamea deals with contract issues with the family in Granada she’s trying to negotiate with. Shamea wants to partner with the brand while the company is more interested in selling it to her outright. Honestly, if I were that guy, I wouldn’t want to keep my name on the brand if it’s going from a wholesome family business to selling booty-shaped bottles for Shamea’s “shot o’clock”, but that’s just me. Regardless, Shamea runs full steam ahead with her Halloween-themed launch party (it’s giving Dorit having a book launch of just the cover), asking the other ladies to make molds of their butts for a “bum match” contest. Shamea, who, if we’ve learned anything this season, clearly lacks boundaries, messages Porsha to invite her to do a butt mold. There’s no acknowledgment of Scotland or an olive branch to chat later, so of course, Porsha responds, “Girl, I’m not coming to your damn party. You are sick asf. Please move along, enjoy.” Well, that’s that on that. 

Next, Shamea salivates over the single crumb of attention Porsha gives her, capitalizing on it by immediately showing the text to K. Michelle as evidence of mistreatment. Once the party rolls around, everyone except Porsha shows up, which should show Shamea that she’s not being “bullied” or “ganged up.” But she still uses the moment to plead her case, relaying the text to the other ladies as well. Cynthia, who came dressed as a bottle of glue, should’ve worn a judge’s robe and wig as she maintains her position as a mediator and arbiter. She declares Porsha’s response to Shamea’s invitation to be within her rights, considering what Shamea did. Kelli, the ultimate foot soldier, deflects from Shamea’s wrongdoings by bringing up Angela’s accusation in Scotland that Shamea slept with George, whose wife, Ashley, is conveniently sitting next to them at the party. 

In her Tinker Bell costume, Ashley seems as thirsty for a peach as Shamea is, reveling in the opportunity to tell her side of the story but obviously sprinkling her own fairy dust of exaggeration into the narrative. She’s easily caught after Angela makes her clarify that she only asked Ashley if she knew Shamea, not for any tea. Ashley claims those two things are one and the same, proving why we don’t need to involve these clout-hungry strays into the fold. Angela reiterates what she said in Scotland: She came to her own conclusion that George and Shamea slept together; it did not come from Ashley. When the ladies ask George point blank if he alluded to having a sexual relationship with Shamea in his speech at the charity event, we don’t get a definitive yes or no, but he admits to making a joke of some sort when he was drunk that Angela must have misinterpreted. Was Angela being messy? Of course. But was it a lie? I think not, just a bad game of telephone. And presiding judge Cynthia Bailey agrees. As K. Michelle said, “One thing about Angela, at least she’s gonna bring it to the table; and that’s the kind of girl I can respect.” Same! She’s messy, but at least she came to play. 

While the ladies get down to the bottom of the gossip at Shamea’s party, Porsha goes on a full PR campaign to show just how much she loves her life and family. She has a photo shoot with her daughter to replace the pictures she has with Simon, and she showers Miss Diane with love by giving her a brand-new, fully paid-off home bought from the sale of the Duluth property. They don’t mention what Shamea said, which makes sense as that’s more of an off-camera conversation, but Porsha’s message is clear. After she finishes showing off her family, Porsha dusts off Mike’s most likely unsaved number in her phone to get him to help her keep playing bisexual Bachelorette. It’s obvious she’s not that interested, but Mike is having a hard time accepting that his chance at screen time is up. In an attempt to prolong the inevitable, he publicly declares himself to be in love with Porsha while on a bowling date with K. Michelle and Kaston. It’s extremely awkward, and we all know Sway eventually wins the finale rose (and not the one the ladies were talking about in the sprinter van!) as she and Porsha are still going strong today. All we can hope is this will be the last we see of Mike. 

Porsha uses her scenes to showcase that her issues with Shamea are merely a footnote, but for poor Shamea, it’s really the whole book. But don’t let Porsha’s unbothered act fool you; those footnotes are a middle finger to everything Shamea said in Scotland. Oh, Shamea wants to bring up moms? Here’s how much I love and adore mine. She wants to bring up kids? Here’s a photoshoot with Pilar. Don’t forget Dennis; here he comes, looking scruffy as ever, with a seat at the table with the rest of the family. It’s so passive, petty, and quintessentially Housewives. It’s unfortunate that Porsha and Shamea’s decades-in-the-making fight overshadowed a lot of the season, but it’s the first time in a long time that the discourse around things actually happening in the season sufficiently distracted us from longing for the good ole days, and for that, I’m forever grateful. 

Peach Tea To-Go

• Kelli having “Jarvis” attend the party in a mask is so bad it’s almost good. From Kim Zolciak’s Big Papa to Lala originally only referring to Randall Emmett as “her man,” we’ve seen many Bravoleberties attempt to circumvent sharing their other half on their respective shows, but we have yet to see something this creative, corny, and unhinged. 

• What “tickles” me about K. Michelle’s toes is that she’s clearly still paranoid, but she’s changed tactics in her own internal battle by embracing the “gotcha” moments she’s so afraid of (a few episodes ago, she mentioned how another part of the “plot” from earlier this season was to expose her long toes). But I’d rather her get ahead of this stuff in a way that makes her comfortable than to spin out as she did with the smelly vagina nonsense. That was too much!