The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Recap: Babes in Toyland

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Fortune and Misfortune
Season 7 Episode 4
Editor’s Rating ★★★
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It’s our second day in San Francisco, and Angie, flanked by the toothbrushes from her prop comedy, calls up Mary to check in and show off the bonnet she bought per Mary’s suggestion. Angie says the beginning of the night was a blast before it all went off the rails. Quai, of course, was the one at the center of that drama, which is an impressive place for a newbie to be — but nonetheless she’s still recovering and says she was especially hurt that it was Whitney, whom she’s closest to, who ratted on her about the toothbrushes. Maybe one day she’ll see her friend has actually bestowed a generous gift of airtime on her. 

After that call, Angie joins Heather in her room, where she confides in her about the crumbling state of her marriage. She remembers Heather once saying that she often faked a smile toward the end of her marriage and now finds herself doing the same thing more and more. But even in this serious conversation, Angie can always give us a moment of comic relief (intentionally or not). When Heather asks if there’s anyone else, a confused Angie hesitates before putting together what she was asking and clarifying that, no, it’s not one of those situations. And thank God — there’s only so much drama this show could take. 

Heather promises not to tell a soul, and there’s really no need since there are plenty of other divorces to gossip about instead. “Todd and Bronwyn were at Capital Grille with Angie the other night,” Heather says over breakfast like the town crier. One thing I always love about Real Housewives is the way they name-drop local restaurants as if that means anything to us. The Quiet Woman, the Regency, Wendy’s … they all add depth and make these worlds feel especially lived in. Apparently, they were just there to sign the papers to sell their house, but Britani isn’t so sure. “Okay, no, the house has been owned by an LLC. I saw the deed because I’m in real estate, and when people were talking about it, I just naturally looked it up and pulled the title report,” she says, holding tight to her title as the funniest woman in the world. It’s honestly malpractice at this point that she doesn’t have a snowflake. Why did she take it upon herself to launch this investigation? Well, she says, “for once I wanted some respect, and I wanted to be right about something.” A truly hilarious reason to pull up the deed to a house. 

While the rest of the women head out shopping with Bronwyn’s old stylist friend, Meredith, Lisa, Quai, and Angie are sent on a surprise outing that ends up being a trip to a vintage-vibrator museum. What better way for Bronwyn to tell them to go fuck themselves? My first thought upon entering this space is that I need to see the turmoil production went through with Bravo’s legal team over which dildos they did or didn’t have to blur — because not all of them were. It must have been judged on a dildo-by-dildo basis because even some that are shaped anatomically are left unblurred. I suspect it all might have come down to whether they had balls. Anyway, the ladies are greeted by their incredible tour guide, a sexologist named Carol Queen. Say no more, I’m in. She tells them that vibrators date back to the ancient Greeks, which is a much-needed morale boost for Angie, and shows them a collection of truly haunting contraptions. 

Meanwhile, Bronwyn opens up to the other women about how her divorce is going, which gives our real-estate investigator, Britani, a chance to spring into action. Bronwyn explains that she and Todd do own the house together, but it’s through a trust and she’s collecting money as they sell their properties one by one. But what about a cash settlement? Britani wonders. And while she does get clowned on for asking such an invasive question, guess what: Everybody else at that table and everybody watching at home wanted the answer, so thank you, Britani. It’s tough work, but someone’s gotta do it. And sure enough, the answer was worth getting because it turns out there isn’t one yet; it’s just all been amicable handshake deals. This worries the other women, who point out that amicability may not last — especially when she’s traipsing around with a young new boyfriend. So maybe a press release to People magazine wasn’t the smartest move when Todd still controls the checkbook.

At dinner that night, they all have a dumpling-making competition, which Lisa says she has a leg up on because she learned how to make them from Crazy Rich Asians, which is a phenomenal callback to the infamous flight from hell they were on last year. Maybe we can finally get to the bottom of whether Meredith watched the movie based on how good her dumplings are. Ultimately, it seems like such a test could have worked because Lisa and her film expertise did win the competition — though Heather points out that she tricked the instructor into making the winning dumpling for her. “It’s called ‘using your resources,’” Lisa says in defense of her scam.

Once they sit down, Quai passes out some peace-offering gifts they got at the sex shop, including pasties for Heather, a dildo for Bronwyn, and for Britani … nothing. “Where’s my gift?” she asks, but alas. This will haunt poor Britani “What About Me?” Bateman for years. And speaking of Britani, I think it’s so funny that her chyron still says “Heather’s Friend” after all this time. She has been with us for years; at this point, she’s a friend to us all! 

Quai then presents Whitney with a ball gag, which should have been a light-hearted little nod to her blabbing but instead has the opposite effect and makes Whitney talk even more. She gets far too serious and apologizes again while also worrying that Meredith is in Quai’s ear, turning her against her. Suddenly, the entire table erupts, simultaneously talking over one another about who said what at what time to whom. None of it is distinguishable (but why start now, am I right?), so they decide to pass around Bronwyn’s dildo like a talking stick. 

Lisa grabs it first, ranting and raving so fiercely with it in hand that she looks like she’s conducting an orchestra. She’s the Lydia Tár of Salt Lake. I don’t even know what she’s saying or what her point is because I’m so entranced by the way she’s whipping that dildo around. The main takeaway is that she’s innocent. 

When it’s Bronwyn’s turn with the dildo, she says that at the biker bar Quai had something negative to say about everyone except Meredith, but Heather thinks that’s especially strange because word on the street is that Quai can’t stand Meredith. Quai denies this, but Whitney challenges her, alluding to something she said in her foyer. Nothing good ever happens in a foyer. A stare-off ensues that is truly bone-chilling, and in her confessional Quai says she can’t believe Whitney would bring this up, which tells me it’s true. But the good news for Quai is that Meredith says she’ll never believe anything Whitney says on account of her being Whitney. 

Having said her piece, Lisa is fully checked out — putting her focus on lining her lips for as long as this takes, so much so that Angie calls her out for the nervous tick. But Lisa fires back that she loves lining her lips and will do so for as long as she likes. “They look like a picture of a vagina I saw at the sex store today turned sideways,” Angie says, giving us further evidence that this sex-store trip is the gift that keeps giving. After all this, they simply must invite Carol Queen to the reunion.