The Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: The Golden Girls

The Real Housewives of Orange County
Not on My Bingo Card
Season 20 Episode 2
Editor’s Rating ★★
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We have taglines, ladies and gentlemen. Shall we go through them? 

Heather: “My motives are like my taste, best left unquestioned.” Okay, that’s a solid construction, but is it true? If her motives are bad, shouldn’t they be questioned? Imagine if Elizabeth Holmes used that at her trial? The judge would have ordered her to serve even more prison time with Jen Shah.

Shannon: “How do I hold it all together? Resilience and shapewear.” It’s both an acknowledgement that Shannon is always falling apart, but also trying to evolve. There’s a bit of self-depreciation there with a nod to Shannon’s beloved Spanx. 10/10. No notes.

Jenn: “The trust speaks volumes, and I’m about to turn it up.” But can you turn up the truth? Shouldn’t the truth be silent and quiet and reliable? So what, is she going to bring more truth? From Katie Ginella’s best friend, we’re going to get more truth? Let’s be serious for even a second.

Gina: “Just because I’m spoken for doesn’t mean I won’t speak up.” I get the pun, but does anyone think that people who are spoken for shouldn’t speak up? This seems like a man so full of straw he could be in The Wizard of Oz at the Sphere.

Emily: “My body may be new, but my mouth is the same as always.” Excellent job, acknowledges both her physical transformation and that her mouth can get her into more trouble than mine does at the underwear party in Fire Island.

Carmella: “I’m the center of attention and a centerfold.” This is the weakest of the bunch. I could see a Bravo exec handing Carmella a list of 20 punny taglines and her going, “Oh, this one’s cute,” and it’s the worst one, and the poor exec who spent a whole weekend writing better ones was like, “Ugh, fine. I guess.” The structure just isn’t there, but I also don’t expect Carmella to choose better.

Tamra: “I’m still the hottest housewife, and that’s my opinion.” For the 20th season, a callback to her first-ever tagline and also her greatest catchphrase is pretty genius. However, this tagline feels a bit like Tamra’s last couple of seasons: resting on better days and not giving us anything new.

Vicki: “Wives come and go, but legends, we whoop it up forever.” A little clunky, sure, but nothing encapsulates Victoria Denise Gunvalson Jr’s journey better than this line, so it can slide.

The reason we’re going long on taglines today is, well, this episode doesn’t offer us much. The best scene is at the very beginning when Shannon takes the ladies to Bunge, the bungee fitness class that sounds like a part of the body that you don’t want your lover to touch. Say what you will about Ms. Storms Beador, but she is one of our most gifted physical comedians. Just watching Shannon try to handle a bungee cord is like watching Charlie Chaplin try to walk down the street. It’s like her limbs are full of squiggles, and that makes my heart full of giggles. 

This episode also gives us a lot of Carmella, who had four kids in four years (“Four under four!” Danny Booko yelled from a time machine that went back 15 years in the past). They’re named Presley, JJ, and Jax because Carmella wanted all of her children to sound like they were playing high school lacrosse, no matter what stage of life they were in. There’s one more named Faith after the George Michael song she was conceived to. (Thank God it was “Faith” because I Want Your Sex Garcia would not get invited on many play dates.) 

I can totally see why Carmella was cast. She was a Playmate of the Year, she was in the WWE, which is the closest analog to Housewives I can think of (minus the scripts), she almost had sex with Leonardo DiCaprio once when she was 20, but she didn’t seal the deal. She was driving back to his place in the Hollywood hills after a party, and as she sailed down Fountain Ave, the clock struck 12:01, and Carmella turned 20 years and six months old, and, due to a curse that was placed on Leo by a witch, she was too old for him to see anymore. His eyes couldn’t focus on her shape. There was just a void where her body was supposed to be. That’s why he’s always dating these young models. They’re the only females that he can sense. Anyway, now Carmella has an ex-husband she is not divorced from and a boyfriend who cheated on her. She has no custody arrangement, and the ex-but-not-husband lives with his girlfriend, and the kids just go back and forth on their own whims. I love a modern arrangement, but this all sounds confusing. I’m getting anxiety just thinking about their grocery lists. 

My biggest disappointment with Carmella is that she doesn’t really go all in for Emily’s Drag Bingo 50th Birthday Party. Gina thought it would be cute for everyone to dress up like old ladies so that Emily would look extra hot on her birthday. I’m just glad that they didn’t dress up in drag like the last time the OC ladies went to drag bingo because Lydia McLaughlin in a top hat and tiny mustache is my sleep paralysis demon. If anyone is going to dress up like Charlie Chaplin, it should clearly be Shannon.

The ladies really do it up, particularly Tamra and Vicki, who definitely hired a makeup artist to make them into the female version of Bad Grandpa. Tamra isn’t wearing any pants to show off her Depends and the silver pubes sticking out of them. Vicki has a walker (not for her costume) and a wig with curlers that, as Emily points out, make her look like the lead from Mama’s Family. Jenn gets into it with giant curlers, and Shannon is doing some Mrs. White from Clue cosplay with a hat and a tiny little veil. Heather Dubrow, never willing to be ugly, doesn’t mess with her face, but her grey wig looks like she spent $74 on it instead of the $19.99 shake-and-go wigs that the rest of the gals had on. Carmela? She just kind of has a floral dress and carries a cane. Yawn, we can do better.

The two major issues of the episode come together at the party. The first is some beef with Tamra thinking that Emily wasn’t grateful enough that she had her podcast on her network, and Emily being mad that Tamra talked shit about her podcast at the reunion. When Tamra tries to explain this fight to Vicki, she says, “All I hear is Wha-Wha-Wha, like Charlie Brown.” I’m with her. Why are we even fighting about podcasts and networks and feeds and whatnot? It’s boring and doesn’t make any sense. Shane Simpson has his best idea ever and tells Emily to just make a thank-you card for Tamra. As he points out, what can she do then? It’s over. She has to take it, see that Emily is thankful, and the fight is over. Yes, if all arguments are resolved so easily, then we don’t have a show, but this particular fight, this one that is dumber than writing down the recipe to make ice, should be ended that quickly. 

And it is! Tamra apologizes for talking shit about Emily’s podcast, Emily says she’s thankful for the boost, they compliment each other, and we keep the whole thing pushing. Phew! And now that I know that Tamra has podcast deals to hand out, I’m totally willing to be on her network. I’ll thank her every day (and will also probably talk a little bit of shit about her.) 

The bigger issue is between Tamra, Heather, and Jenn. Tamra goes to dinner with Heather, who explains what she was saying about Tamra, that she loves her even though she sometimes doesn’t love her behavior. Yeah, I get that. It’s called having friends. It’s called forgetting the shitty things your friends do because you love them, and, considering their job, this should be something that comes up a lot. Tamra is starting to think that Heather is downplaying their friendship to everyone because they all hate Tamra, which very well could be true. Shouldn’t Tamra take that as a sign to repair her relationships with the women rather than alienate the one person who is willing to look past her bad behavior? We can talk about it during a coffee break at Two T’s HQ. 

Jenn apologizes to Cruella Du Bro for telling Tamra what Heather said about her, and Heather, who was looking to ally with Jenn, basically tells her that it’s off, and she doesn’t like the way she moves. Then she asks if she is her type on paper, pulls her for a chat, says she wants to keep exploring, and now we’re on Old Lady Love Island, and I hope that I don’t have to watch it every day for the next six weeks because I am exhausted and I don’t need to see Tamra and Vicki French in a challenge. Heather tells Jenn that just because they can vent about Tamra’s behavior doesn’t mean that she universally hates Tamra. I don’t know, this whole thing feels like a reach, and, sadly for Heather, it feels like she is going to be on the outs this season, and everyone is coming for her. What will she do if she has no friends? Maybe she can call the paparazzi.

Heather does have one shining moment. When Gina asks the older ladies at the table if they have advice for Emily entering her 50s, Heather says, “In your 50s, the thing you have to be careful of is your own brain. Hormones are a little bit different, life sometimes gets a little tumultuous, and things shift in your friendships, in your relationship, and how you handle it and how you talk to yourself is what is going to define your decade.” That’s not just true of your 50s, but any decade, really. Age is just a number, blah, blah, blah, but so much is about perception, how you see the world and, as Heather is pointing out, how you see yourself. The thoughts will always be there, the noise will always be there, but is it good noise or is it bad noise? Is it reflecting reality, or is it reflecting negativity? If you can tame that voice, if you can turn it around and make you appreciate what you have, who you are, what you’ve accomplished, that you’ve paid your taxes, returned your library books on times, and not cussed out that asshole who cut you off when you were pulling into the McDonald’s drive-thru to get one of the deep fried apple pies, that is a victory, that should be celebrated. And no matter how many times you fall on your face, like Shannon Beador, it’s that voice, that kind, unceasing murmuring in the back of your skull, that is going to pick you back up and adjust your Spanx for you.