The Real Housewives of Rhode Island Recap: Boats and Hoes

The Real Housewives of Rhode Island
Schooner or Later
Season 1 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating ★★★★★
Previous Next
Previous Episode
Next Episode

Since this show premiered, people have been saying that the Real Housewives of Rhode Island harkens back to the days of classic Housewives — largely because of the cast’s organic ties and willingness to let their guards down on camera. But now we have yet another example of the franchise returning to its glory days: gay men as accessories! Much has been said about the trope of Real Housewives treating their “gays” as sassy little props — from Lisa Vanderpump’s house guest Cedric to Miss Lawrence on RHOA to Jill Zarin’s “gay husband” Brad. And perhaps because of some of the pushback regarding the, at times problematic, way these women have historically presented their friendships with gay men, that trend isn’t as commonplace as it once was.

But in Rhode Island, which has yet to face any such discourse, that tradition is back in full swing, courtesy of Rosie introducing us to her gay best friend Anthony, who is throwing a boat party that all the women are going to. But how do they know each other? “We all just, like, kind of run in the same, like, gay circle… if you will,” Rosie explains, which is a line I’m going to start using. Book Rosie a pride parade float STAT. In fact just go ahead and make her grand marshall. She can tokenize all she wants if she’s doing it dressed up like a Toddlers & Tiaras pageant girl.

But before we meet all of Rosie’s gays, Alicia has Liz and Jo-Ellen over, the latter of whom is finally back from her work trip but is now grieving the loss of her 100-year-old grandfather. “Was he my neighbor?” Alicia asks, because we can’t go more than one episode of this show without discovering some new insane connection between this cast. They also fill Jo-Ellen in on all the drama she missed when she was away, most notably Alicia’s massive fight (and immediate reconciliation) with Rosie. “I kinda feel bad a little bit that I called her a whore, but that’s a Rhode Island thing. You just say whore ‘cause it feels good,” Alicia explains, and she’s right — especially when you’re pronouncing it, “Who-AHH!” 

But Jo-Ellen is much more interested in knowing whether or not anybody was talking about her, and she looks almost disappointed when the answer is no. Not even her nemesis Rullala had anything to say behind her back! And on that note, Liz encourages Jo-Ellen to drop that feud because Rulla is really going through it and picking on her at a time like this just feels like low-hanging fruit. When Jo-Ellen says she does have empathy for her, Liz literally laughs out loud and calls her bluff, but in any case, it was a nice sentiment.

Meanwhile, Ashley is putting in the work to become more connected to the rest of the group by going over to Kelsey’s to have her do her hair. Given Kelsey’s circumstances, this, of course, doesn’t need to be her full-time job, but it’s something she does here and there, and it seems like it’s her backup plan for when she retires from being a sugar baby. Since that seems imminent, given that she’s got both a new gig and new man lined up, getting her name out there as a hair stylist is important. That’s why she’s pissed at Rosie for not tagging her on Instagram after she did her hair. She tells this all to Ashley as she’s doing her hair, and her not-so-subtle hints worked perfectly, because the second she’s done, Ashley takes out her phone and posts a selfie of the pair to her story, showing off Kelsey’s handiwork. She knew she had to secure those Bachelor Nation followers and made it happen — a true businesswoman at work. 

Her complaint about Rosie’s lack of Instagram etiquette comes up again at the gay boat party, where she confronts Rosie about it directly — in the presence of Martini Mike no less. That’s right, the martini-sipping gay guy who randomly appeared in the background of a season 12 episode of RHONY makes his grand Bravo return via this new franchise. What a beautiful web we weave. Anyway, Rosie is shocked by Kelsey’s grievance and says that it’s not her job to take a picture of the back of her head to post, but Kelsey points out that she tags everybody else who does a service for her. Kelsey is fiending for those Channel 10 followers, but if “Rhode Trippin’” is only getting 215 views, how much engagement does she really expect Rosie’s haircut to get?

Ashley’s attempt to broker peace fails, but maybe Jo-Ellen and Rulla will have better luck putting their feud behind them? The pair meet up for a one-on-one without the husbands, where Jo-Ellen tries to make it clear that she has no problem with Rulla — her problem is with Brian, who she maintains is still actively having an affair. As it turns out, Jo-Ellen knows the mistress because their kids went to daycare together, and just the other day she showed her all of the texts between her and Brian. 

But when she shows them to Rulla, she says she’d need to see more proof because the mistress is known to have fake text apps. Ah! A classic reality television denial tactic: the mythical fake text app. When Jo-Ellen says that she went through the phone herself, Rulla points out that she doesn’t know if that was really Brian’s number and asks, “You don’t think she’s a psycho?” But Jo-Ellen quickly corrects her, saying, “Oh no, I do think she’s quite crazy.” But sometimes crazy people tell the truth! And according to her, Brian goes to see her every morning, which Rulla pushes back on, saying that can’t be true because he’s at the gym every morning. What happened next was such beautiful Housewifery that it took my breath away. Without even a second of hesitation, Jo-Ellen responds with, “Does Brian look like he goes to the gym?” She’s one of the sharpest minds to ever appear on television. 

The bottom line is: Rulla keeps saying that she’s willing to see proof, but this wasn’t enough. Well, ask and you shall receive, because that’s not the end of this. The whole crew — except for Ashley who has been exiled to a Royal Caribbean cruise — gathers for a polo match. But first, Alicia brings them all to their restaurant Angelo’s, which she explains in Greek is pronounced, “Avenlanjoliezest.” She should be the poet laureate. Get her a Calm App partnership. I want to hear her read the phone book. Not only that, but we also get two separate exclamations from her of, “I love a horse.” 

But as the women and their gentlemen gather at the restaurant, Rulla’s husband Brian gets a phone call. “Oh no, what happened…you gonna call an ambulance?” he says, in a very Jen-Shah-escaping-the-FBI kind of way. Apparently his dad is taking his mom to the hospital, so he and Rulla leave to go check on her, but plan on meeting back up with them at the polo  match. 

“Prayers to your mom,” Jo-Ellen says. “Aren’t you kind today?” Liz tells her, getting a kick out of Jo-Ellen’s beautiful performance of empathy. But mere seconds after sending those well wishes to Rulla via FaceTime, Jo-Ellen dramatically gasps at her phone, commanding the bus’s attention. She feigns not wanting to say anything, but sure enough quickly reveals that she just got word that Brian is currently trying to see his mistress as they speak. But once they get to the polo match, Rulla and Brian eventually arrive, so all must be okay, right? 

Not so fast. While they’re mucking it up, Kelsey tries on Rulla’s massive engagement ring for fun and shows all the guys, which is when she notices that Brian’s not wearing his ring. Put on the spot, he launches into a sweaty story about how he took it off to put gel in his son’s hair, and quickly shuffles off to the car to retrieve it. But here’s the thing: the editor’s flashback to Brian at the restaurant just hours earlier and he’s WEARING THE RING. So the wedding ring was taken off sometime in the last four hours or so, exactly when Jo-Ellen was alleging that he snuck off to see his mistress. Even if we gave him the benefit of the doubt, why would he be putting gel in his son’s hair midday while he was rushing to see his mother in the hospital? And if that’s why he took it off, why was it in the car? Since when does someone apply hair gel in a car? 

This all, of course, is like Christmas morning for Jo-Ellen. Things only get better when she opens her phone and sees that the mistress just posted a photo “in his red interior car” only two hours ago. “That’s him and her,” she says, showing the photo to any and every passerby.

“I’m not doing this on camera, so I’m leaving,” Brian says, which doesn’t sound like something an innocent person would say. But the women quickly circle him and manage to keep him there long enough for him to admit that there’s not only still an open line of communication with her, but she’s texting him right then and there. It begs a lot of questions, but the answer to all of the questions is that he’s still having an affair. As they show him what she’s posting on Instagram in real time, Brian tells Jo-Ellen that it’s not her business to be perpetuating this, and she yells back that it’s all happening publicly on Instagram. As all of this chaos plays out, Alicia watches on, snacking on her Wheat Thins. 

Eventually, Jo-Ellen manages to pull Rulla aside and whispers that she’s not trying to hurt her, but the affair is clearly not done. “And if you want proof, I’ll figure it out,” she says, like a fixer. It feels like an episode of Big Little Lies, and Brian better hope that the finale party isn’t Audrey Hepburn-themed.