The Real Housewives of Orange County Season-Finale Recap: The Skytop’s the Limit

The Real Housewives of Orange County
Reach for the Skytops
Season 20 Episode 17
Editor’s Rating ★
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How do you type out the sound of air being slowly let out of a balloon, then it makes a little squeal, then it kind of makes a fart sound, then the last bit of air comes flying out in a rush. Would it be like ffffsssssshhhhhhheeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEbwfwbwfbwfbwfbwfbwfbwfpooof?That is the exact sound this final episode of the landmark 20th season of The Real Housewives of Orange County made. That is my entire review. I will not be taking questions at this time.

Strangely enough, the best part of the episode is usually my least favorite part of a Housewives season finale, when we check in with all the ladies and they close out their personal story lines. Emily goes with her daughter, Annabelle, and makes their own signature fragrances, but Annabelle rushes home immediately and pours hers on Shane because he stinks. I mean, obviously. He has like Pepé Le Pew lines coming off him at all times. Gina and Travis have pizza with Gina’s ex, Matt (yup, still would), and his new partner, Britt, and everything is right with their Eight Is Enough family. Heather sits down with her mother, Carole, and talks about how she felt left out because she is the only person in her family who ever experienced emotion and they all made fun of her. Is this how Marilyn on The Munsters felt? Tamra goes on a moving tiki boat and has drinks with Jenn and Carmella, and it was like the opening of Gilligan’s Island. Is this spon-con for Nick at Nite?

Shannon gets on a Zoom call with her three daughters and a pet psychic named Keao, which might be how you spell the sound of air getting slowly let out of a balloon. I know we’re all about to be decimated by our robot overlords, but we can do psychic readings remotely now? What vibes is she reading, and are they just the stink lines coming off Elon Musk and his Starlink internet service? They’re on the phone to find out if Shannon’s beloved dog Archie wants to have radiation therapy to get rid of his cancer. She and the girls want to know that they’re making the right decision and have Archie’s thoughts in mind —and clearly, the best way to get those thoughts is via a Microsoft Teams meeting with a woman who has more vowels than sense. 

But Keao’s advice isn’t horrible. She tells Shannon and her daughters that Archie can feel them. No matter where they are in the world, he can feel their love; he can feel the vibrations of healing that they’re sending from all different countries, continents, and time zones. She tells them Archie says that, even if he gets the treatment, he might take a turn and he doesn’t want a long, drawn-out process. That’s all Shannon and the mini-Beadors need to hear. They just want to know their love is valid, their grief is real, and they’re doing the right thing. Honestly, neither decision is a bad one, but sometimes you just need someone to tell you you’re a good person and the dog you have cared for, fed, watched soak in the hot tub, and dragged around on a leash loves you back. That Keao told them that is money well spent, even if she couldn’t show up in person to collect the check. 

There’s also a home scene with Jenn and her son Dominic, who apparently has been getting in trouble in school and skipped out on 88 assignments. The teachers had to call Jenn and her ex-husband, Will, to a parent-teacher conference about the situation. Oh, but Will wasn’t there. He called in on Zoom. What is he, a pet psychic? Jenn tells Dominic he needs to respect grown-ups, but he doesn’t seem to get it. Later, she’s having a conversation with Ryan and he tells her she needs to show these kids more discipline. He says that earlier in the season, when Dawson got his speeding ticket, she never punished him; nothing happened. Jenn also says Will refuses to co-parent with her, which seems insane to me. Is he not involved at all? And if he’s not spending time with them, disciplining them, or sending them money, why is he even invited to the Zoom? At that point, he’s doing less than a pet psychic, and if that is the case, she should cut him out entirely. 

Jenn asks Ryan if Dominic acting out at school has anything to do with her divorce. Doy, Jenn. Of course it does. It entirely does. This is all about her and Will, them not being able to settle their differences, and the kids acting out because they feel like their parents are clearly ignoring something that needs to be addressed. Ryan suggests getting Dom a therapist, which seems like the least they can do. Jenn shoots back, “I’m just one person. I can’t be everything to these kids all the time.” Um, yes, you can, and yes, you need to be. If she can’t face reality, her children — and Jenn herself — will continue to struggle. Jenn seems very sweet and kind, but the fact that she doesn’t understand human psychology is absolutely astounding. She doesn’t seem equipped to survive in the real world. I can’t believe Ryan, a man with a jacket collection that would send Law Roach into anaphylactic shock, is the one thinking clearly in this conversation. 

After we’ve checked in with everyone, Shannon goes out to some dive bars with Heather and Emily and has a nice conversation with a hot zaddy named Chad who asks for Shannon’s number. Shannon! Fuck this man! Fuck him into next Tuesday. Let him chain you up to the bed and pound you until you don’t even need a pet psychic and you have developed telepathic powers and can talk to all the pets like you’re an orgasming Dr. Dolittle. This is what Shannon needs above all else. If it’s not going to be Chad, I wish it could be Steve Guttenberg, who, sadly, did not respond to Heather’s DM that she sent to try to set up a double date with him and Shannon and her and Terry. The bar-crawl scene was sweet, funny, and necessary — I loved it. 

The same cannot be said for the party Victoria D. Gunvalson Jr. throws at the Coto de Caza country club. (The D no longer stands for Denise; it now stands for Debbie Downer.) This party is a massive whiff for a number of reasons, but the biggest one has to be Tamra Judge. Just five episodes ago, Tamra threw a party and invited all the former castmates to attend the launch of her CBD line or whatever. While I was watching it, I thought, Why isn’t this the finale? This should be the finale. They just did it again, and they did it worse. Sure, Vicki has everyone in Skytops, the iconic blouses ubiquitous in the show’s early years, but this looks like the least fun, least crowded party we’ve seen on Housewives. It was flatter and faker looking than Teddi Mellencamp’s wig. (Guys, come on — she’s over the cancer and her hair has grown back. She did not need that wig, and she certainly didn’t need a wig that cheap.) Tamra stole all of Vicki’s thunder. She had more Housewives at her event and also invited Alexis Bellino, who, say what you will about Jesus Jugs, at least brought a little drama to the proceedings.

I can’t believe producers allowed Tamra to do that. RHOC had a long history of throwing a finale party where all the Housewives from past seasons were invited. They should have done that again to celebrate 20 years. They should have spared no expense and tried to get everyone there, not just Jeana Keough, Lizzie Rovsek, and Lynne Curtin. They should have paid Alexis, Gretchers, Lydia McLaughlin, Lauri Waring, and Noella Bergener. They should have gotten that girl Sarah who ate the bow off Heather’s cake; Dr. Moon; the driver of the family van, Donn Gunvalson. Get them all back, every single one of them. I would have been fine with this being a supersize episode if the last 30 minutes were everyone in the same room again going over the greatest hits, giving this once great franchise the recognition it deserves. Instead, we get gloopy-looking hors d’oeuvres on a sparse country-club veranda. This isn’t a celebration; it is a retirement party.

Tamra’s party also had some new drama thanks to Alexis showing up, Heather feeling snubbed, and Shannon upset that John Janssen was there in the shoes she bought for him. What did this party have? Carmella and Vicki have a fight that is as solid as a Twinkie soaked in root beer. Heather may or may not be mad that Tamra took selfies with Jenn and not with her. Jenn has to confront Tamra because Tamra is being too nice to her. Are any of these even arguments? The biggest confrontation is between Gina and Heather, and they’re still talking about Heather talking about Gina’s money. Heather’s mad that Tamra is the one who started the conversation, but Heather literally said the thing Gina’s mad about. What are we doing here? What is this about? It’s like the balloon has not only let its air go, it’s now all dimpled, pockmarked, and disfigured as everyone throws it around the room pretending like it’s still an inflated balloon.

As the party wraps up and all the women talk about their friendship and their powerful bonds, Lynne Curtin takes her unsold cuffs and teeters back to her Ford Focus on a pair of heels that look as rickety as a wooden roller coaster. She turns the radio to her favorite station, 93.5 KDAY, Hip-Hop Back in the Day. She rolls the windows down and pulls out of the parking lot and onto the freeway with her window still down and her arm out perilously into traffic. She can feel the wind whipping her limbs back as “Regulate” blares from the speakers. She always likes to look back; she always likes to remember the songs that made her feel like it was time to party. This is where Lynne lives every day, in those glory years when her hair was high and her husband was even higher, when the joints were thick and her eyelashes were thicker. But not this time, not after this party, where she stood around awkwardly while a group of women she didn’t know played a game she was unfamiliar with. She looks out at the sun setting into the waiting ocean and shouts along, hoping the sound of the bass, the wind, the traffic, and the dried leaves at the bottom of the palm trees making static on the breeze will drown out even these memories.