Letting Chabad Singles Fall Through the Cracks

From the COLlive inbox: “I haven’t heard from friends or Shadchanim in many months. And this is the reality for many of my friends as well. We’re lonely and we’re tired.”

By anonymous

What the team at MetatChabad does is incredible. I am not here to argue that. Our ultimate desire is for the Jewish nation to multiply and grow and it starts by making Jewish matches. If I was growing in my Judaism in a city without a flourishing Jewish community I would be so grateful that Chabad and my Rabbi is there to help me.

While I was reading the recent article on COLlive.com I couldn’t help but relate to most of what was written.

“You’re 27. Or 30. Maybe you’re 35.
You’ve decided you want to settle down and get married.
Where do you go?”

I’m 27, 31, 36, 42 years old.
I’m from CH, FL, LA, Europe.
I’m a BT, I’m Chabad FFB, I’m Chabad Sefardi.
I’m the child of a BT, I’m the child of Chabad FFB parents, I’m the child of Chabad Sefardi parents.
I live with my family, I live alone, I live with roommates.
I work in Chinuch, I work in business, I work in medicine.
Where do I go?

“They don’t have a community introducing them to people. They don’t have a shadchan calling with ideas. They don’t have friends constantly thinking of suggestions. They don’t have a system. And that loneliness is something most people never see.”

I’m here to tell you that, unfortunately, my experience is the same. I haven’t heard from friends or Shadchanim in many many months. And this is the reality for many of my friends as well.

The “loneliness is something most people never see” is the greatest statement of all.
Being single is the loneliness stage of life. There may be many of us navigating this road but we are each doing it alone. We have Emunah and Bitachon that things can change at any minute but it’s been years. We’re tired.

Our minds are constantly spinning the following questions like a merry-go-round:

For how long do I go about my daily routine hoping something will change today?
How long do I wait for a Shadchan or friend to send me a suggestion?
How do I go about my life as a single person in a family oriented community?
How much longer do I need to distract and keep myself busy to avoid spiraling over my unknown future?
How many more weddings and Brisim do I need to attend before my own?
How many more friend outings or house visits do I need to be an Aunty or Uncle at instead of a parent?
When do I move to my own home and take my kids to school?
What happens when my friends will celebrate their son’s bar mitzvah soon but I’m still searching for my spouse?

What you may not realize is that many Chabad singles fit in the exact same category as the singles you describe. The difference? We don’t have a Shliach or a Rabbi looking out for us. We don’t have a fancy app to help us. The pain is immense.

So while it’s great that we are helping the Chabad affiliated singles, we are simultaneously letting Chabad singles fall through the cracks.

I would even venture to say that a broken Shidduch system is worse than no system.
Without a system, I would be subject to less pain and frustration when I don’t receive responses or suggestions from Shadchanim and friends. Without a system, I wouldn’t be rejected for the color of my hair or the ethnicity of my parents on my resume.

Without a system, parents would give their children, who are of marriageable age, more authority to make decisions on their own.

This is what I’m hoping to convey to you.
And this is where you come in. The pain is immense but can be slightly less so with your support. It’s time we step up as a community and as friends.

If you have a single friend, check in with them and see how they’re doing. Even a simple text can make a difference.
Invite them for a meal or Shabbos or even Havdalla so they don’t have to do it themselves.
Send them lunch at work.
Invite them away for Shabbos with you.
Prioritize one-on-one quality time with them without your husband or children present.
And, of course, send Shidduch suggestions!

If you’re a Shadchan or someone with matchmaking experience, consider dedicating yourself to older singles who do not currently have anyone advocating for them.

Married friends who say, “Enjoy being single and free!” “You’re so lucky you don’t have to wake up in the middle of the night to a crying baby!” “You don’t have to worry about finances because you’re only one person!”, do not understand how painful their comments are. They do not understand the pain of being alone. The pain of not having a partner or kids to tend to. The strong desire to wake up in the middle of the night to feed my child.

I’m reminded of famous Chabad singer Yoni Z who was hosted on the Stories of Hope podcast with his wife (a week after his wedding!). He shared something that isn’t being shared enough.

He shared that his singlehood was a difficult time filled with a pain that he and Ashley vowed to never forget. He debunks the myth that singles tend to become less religious after the age of thirty. “I didn’t become less religious,” Yoni cries, “I just didn’t have anyone to do the Mitzvos with.” Going to Shul becomes harder when more and more of your friends are wearing a Talis and holding their child’s hand. Sitting in the Sukka becomes harder when you have to sit alone. Finding six meals for a three day Yom Tov is hard! It’s much easier to just stay home Friday night, eat a sandwich, and go to bed. Lighting one Shabbos candle for so many years is painful when your whole upbringing and education teaches you the beauty of marriage and two candles. “And you almost don’t want to do certain things because you don’t want to do it alone.”

The lack of meaningful support for older Chabad singles is one of the most overlooked issues in our community. It’s heartbreaking-and it’s time we did something about it.
Thank you.
iyhbyou@gmail.com

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