Our Older Singles Deserve Better Than “Why Not?”

A COLlive reader responds to the op-ed about older singles and Dor Yeshorim, arguing that pain does not remove the need for people to be proactive.

By Moshe

I read the COLlive piece about Dor Yeshorim and older singles, and I want to say something that’s been sitting with me since I finished.

The article opens with real empathy. Chana Leah’s story: 36 years old, still waiting, finally finds someone who seems right, and then gets “incompatible.” That’s painful. Tova and Moshe’s story is even harder. You can feel that they belong together. So when the article asks “but why not?” it’s asking a legitimate question that deserves a real answer, not just a dismissal.

I’m not here to say the article is wrong about everything. It’s not. The starting point makes sense. Not every situation is identical. If the concern is something manageable, hearing aids, something that requires real conversation with a rov and doctors and people who know the family, then sure, that’s a conversation worth having. The Rebbe didn’t tell people to stop thinking. He told them to think harder and better.

But the article loses me after that.

Bringing in Lumi Health and JScreen and all these other screening companies feels like it’s trying to prove something it doesn’t actually prove. Yes, they screen for more conditions. Hundreds more. Thousands. But what does that have to do with whether a 36-year-old should ignore a Dor Yeshorim incompatible result? It doesn’t. All it does is make it sound like the article has some bigger complaint against Dor Yeshorim that it’s not willing to say directly. If your point is that older singles need more nuanced guidance, make that point. Don’t muddy it by comparing Dor Yeshorim to companies that conduct completely different screenings for completely different purposes.

More testing doesn’t automatically mean better decisions. Sometimes it means more confusion, more panic, more reasons for people to walk away from shidduchim without actually understanding what they’re walking away from. That’s not helpful.

The Tay-Sachs discussion needs to be said more carefully. Baruch Hashem, births with Tay-Sachs have dropped dramatically, over 90 percent in tested populations, the article itself says. Nearly eliminated. That’s extraordinary. But that happened because people used Dor Yeshorim. They tested. They took the results seriously. And now we have a generation growing up without that disease ravaging families.

So how does the article handle this success? It points to it and then seems to treat it as less important. The carriers are still here. The danger didn’t disappear. The system works because people use it. You can’t celebrate the results of a protection and then act as if the protection itself matters less now.

On the IVF point, I think the article gets careless. Yes, IVF with genetic testing is a real option for some couples. With proper halachic guidance, with medical supervision, with a full understanding of what they’re getting into. But the article presents it like it’s sitting there, available, a solution just waiting to be picked up. IVF is expensive. It’s emotionally draining. It doesn’t always work. It’s physically difficult. And it raises serious halachic questions that need real rabbinical guidance, not just a mention in an article.

If a couple is guided by their rov that this is their path, they deserve support. Full support. But it shouldn’t be casually dropped into a piece as if it were the answer that would make the problem go away. It’s not. It’s a possibility, and a complicated one.

That “playing G-d” line shouldn’t have been there at all. People use Dor Yeshorim to get information. Dor Yeshorim checks what it’s designed to check and gives them that information. If someone doesn’t want that answer to end the conversation, they can take it further: to their rov, to genetic counselors, to doctors. But being upset at Dor Yeshorim for providing the information is like getting angry at an alarm for actually working.

The real issue here is that older singles are genuinely suffering. They’re watching friends with families. The years are passing. The pool is smaller. That’s real pain and it’s real loneliness. And they deserve better than slogans, quick fixes, and articles that try to make an emotional point without thinking through the consequences of what they suggest.

If we want to help older singles, we need to do the harder work. We need more matchmakers. We need better mentoring. We need rabbinical guidance that takes their situation seriously without pushing them toward medical interventions that may not be right for them. We need sensitivity and intelligence and actual effort.

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