Building the Network Around Every Single
Rochel Duchman, Certified Dating Coach, responds to the recent discussion about singles who feel unseen in the shidduch system, and shares how a personal approach can help ensure singles are known, remembered and actively advocated for.
by COLlive Editor · COLliveBy Rochel Duchman, Certified Dating Coach
The recent article about how shidduchim have come to feel like a market put words to something many singles, parents, and shadchanim have been feeling for a long time. A resume can organize information, but it cannot communicate the fullness of a person. A database can store profiles, but it cannot replace the reassurance of hearing someone say, sincerely, “I know this person. I see what is special about them, and I believe this idea is worth exploring.”
That observation deserves to be heard with care. The article is not an attack on shadchanim or on the tools our community uses. On the contrary, it recognizes how much we ask of shadchanim and how difficult it is for any one person to know a rapidly growing, geographically dispersed community. Resumes, databases, WhatsApp groups, and other systems can all be useful. The challenge is to make sure those tools serve relationships rather than substitute for them.
The deepest pain described in the article is not simply the absence of a date. It is the feeling of not being known, remembered, or carried by a network. That can be painful even for singles who do have a naturally connected circle or network.
There is no single program that can rebuild that sense of community, and no organization can solve the shidduch challenge on its own. The response must remain broad and shared: parents who advocate thoughtfully, friends who make introductions and follow up, families who invite singles for Shabbos, rabbanim and mashpi’im who stay involved, and shadchanim who continue their extraordinary work. Chabad Shidduch Advocates hopes to contribute one additional piece to that larger effort.
In June 2025, I founded Chabad Shidduch Advocates with a simple goal: to make sure every single woman feels seen, heard, and actively advocated for throughout the shidduch process. We began with a group of 10 dedicated advocates, each taking 10–20 girls under her wing and getting to know them personally—their personalities, values, needs, and what they are truly looking for in a match. Our team meets weekly to collaborate, brainstorm match ideas, and work together to help our girls get on dates. Twice a month, we also meet with shadchanim to expand our network, learn about suitable single men, and identify new potential matches. What started as a small, committed group has grown into a collaborative effort built around personal relationships, teamwork, and the belief that every single deserves someone actively thinking about and advocating for them.
Our approach is intentionally high-touch. Each advocate works with a limited group of singles so there is time to listen, learn, and build a genuine relationship. The goal is to understand more than the details on a resume: the person’s character, values, strengths, aspirations, and the kind of home they hope to build. An advocate can then speak about the individual with warmth and context, help think through possibilities, and remain involved as ideas develop.
The advocates meet weekly to share insights and brainstorm match ideas together. This team model allows one person’s relationship with a single to be supported by the networks and perspectives of others. Advocates currently serve communities across the United States and Canada, and the group is also developing a team of married male advocates who can build similarly personal relationships with bochurim who may find that approach more comfortable or accessible.
This work is meant to support, not replace, shadchanim. We welcome collaboration with shadchanim, parents, teachers, friends, and community members who know eligible men and women. A shadchan may have the right idea; a parent or friend may hold important context; an advocate may be able to help connect the dots, encourage follow-through, or make sure a person does not quietly disappear from view. Each role matters, and the strongest results come when those roles reinforce one another.
We do use an organized technology platform to manage information, protect confidentiality, and help the team track ideas and follow-up. But the platform is only a tool. The heart of the work is human: knowing the single, making the phone call, speaking with care, following up, and helping another person be seen as more than a profile.
The original article offers an important challenge to all of us: do not merely forward a resume; stand behind the person. Chabad Shidduch Advocates is one attempt to put that principle into practice, entirely free of charge. We do not see ourselves as the answer, but as one more part of a growing network supporting singles, parents, and shadchanim. If more of us take responsibility for truly knowing the people around us and carrying them together, perhaps fewer singles will feel like a PDF waiting in an inbox—and more will feel what every person deserves to feel: remembered, valued, and accompanied on the journey toward building a Jewish home.
If you would like to contact Chabad shidduch advocates, please visit our website or email us:
chabadshidduchadvocates.com or email us at: Chabadshidduchadvocates@gmail.com
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