Is There a Hookup to Relationship Pipeline?

Does This Mean My Situationship Will Fall in Love With Me?

Yes, it’s true: my relationship started off as a hookup. My boyfriend—who I now love, am fully committed to, and have way too much fun in Costco with—used to send me 2AM “WYD” texts and avoided any sort of conversation about the future.

Yes, I made it out of the situationship trenches. I’ll hold for applause.

While I would like to pretend that I’m better than everyone else, the reality is that there is no secret method to turning your situationship into a real relationship. Sometimes—like in my case—it’s just science.

A 2018 study revealed that sexual desire can actually encourage people to engage in behaviors that help initiate romantic relationships. Through different activities like slow dancing, researchers found that sexual attraction made people want to get physically closer, mirror each other’s behaviors, become more emotionally responsive, and even become more helpful.

We often hear of relationships that begin with emotional connection and then turn into something more romantic (and eventually physical), but the other side of the coin exists—and I’m proof of it.

“Sometimes physical attraction is what initially brings two people together, and that attraction creates opportunities to spend more time together, get to know each other, and potentially discover a deeper emotional connection,” licensed psychologist Dr Matthew Leahy tells Cosmopolitan. “What starts as something purely physical can open the door to something much more meaningful.”

I started hooking up with my now-partner purely because he was hot. Turns out, he was great in bed, too. And because we enjoyed having sex so much, we just ended up spending a lot of time together—so that we could have more of said sex, of course. Eventually, in between water breaks and refueling with Uber Eats orders, we got to know each other. I remember being shocked at what a great guy he ended up being—you know, when we actually took the time to get off each other and talk. Eventually, the booty calls turned into regular phone calls, and late night hookups turned into week-long sleepovers.

But our romantic relationship wasn’t inevitable just because we were sexually attracted to each other. We had to have a lot of conversations about our values, our hopes, and most importantly, what we wanted out of a relationship.

There were also a lot of check-ins I had to do with myself. The sex was great, so I had to constantly make sure I wasn’t confusing a sexual connection for an emotional one (AKA being “dickmatized”). Dr Leahy explains that one way to do this is to ask yourself objective questions about the other person: Are they asking you questions? Is the communication strong? Are they paying attention to you? Do you have things in common besides sexual desires?

“I think it’s good to always take a step back, have some self-awareness, and truly ask yourself: Is this going somewhere? Do I want it to go somewhere, or am I OK with it the way it is?”

Coming to terms with the reality of the situation is hard, but the hardest part of it all? You have to actually put yourself out there—especially if you really want to be with that person.

“Communicating how you truly feel about somebody and what you’re looking for can happen at any time in a relationship,” Dr. Leahy says. But when you know you’re falling hard for someone, the sooner you express those things the better.

I think it’s important to take a beat and remind you that developing feelings for someone you’re constantly being sexually intimate with is totally normal. I know we’re doomed to a dating era of nonchalance, but there’s nothing wrong with liking someone you’re exchanging bodily fluids with—especially if you’re spending a lot of time together.

You just have to know the difference between when your hookup is veering into a romantic connection and when it’s purely physical.

Before you send this article to your situationship, there’s a reality check that needs to happen. Movies like Friends With Benefits and No Strings Attached made us believe that any situation where we’re hooking up with someone we like as a person is bound to lead to us falling in love. I’m sorry to tell you this isn’t true, and he won’t be waiting for you with a flashmob.

I had situationships before my current boyfriend that went nowhere but down the toilet. While the sexual chemistry was there, nothing else quite was.

So how do you tell when something is just a hookup versus the potential of something more?

“It’s important to pay attention to how the other person responds when you communicate what you’re looking for,” Dr. Leahy says.

My partner and I actually stopped talking for a while after I first initiated a conversation about wanting more than just sex. He was very honest with me and said that he wasn’t in the place in his life to pursue a commitment. I had my answer and could decide what I wanted to do with that information. Knowing that I couldn’t just continue to hook up with him without my feelings getting complicated, I cut things off.

“If you’ve been clear about wanting something more and the other person isn’t showing that same interest, you have to be willing to recognize that,” Dr. Leahy says.

We went our separate ways and grew as people. Years later, we reconnected and found ourselves on the same page.

While I’d love to tell you that this is how it always works out in the end—it’s simply not true. Unfortunately, sometimes no matter how much we like someone—despite having intense sexual chemistry—nothing comes of it. Even if you both do have romantic feelings, you both need to be in a place where you want to pursue a relationship. And had I let myself linger in the liminal space of hooking up with someone I had romantic feelings for, I wouldn’t even be in the right headspace to be in the healthy relationship I’m in now—even if it was with someone different.

“Sometimes we get caught up in hoping a relationship will become something different, rather than accepting what it actually is,” Dr. Leahy says. “You can’t convince somebody to want the same kind of relationship you do, and that’s an important part of knowing when it might be time to move on.”

So if you’re currently hooking up with someone you’re starting to develop feelings for, maybe it’s time to have a talk with yourself, and then them. You’ll either end up in a relationship, or better off for knowing that they don’t feel the same way.