What Exactly Is Tolyamory?

What does "tolyamory" mean?

“What are we?” There comes a moment when the question seems to hang in the air, impossible to ignore. Do we like each other but not want to commit? Are we exclusive? Will he see other girls? Am I ready to commit? There are two possibilities: have the conversation or ignore it and trust your gut. In either case, there may be the possibility that the person we like wants to keep seeing other people too, and we might even find ourselves considering accepting it.

Some people call this “tolyamory” (a mix of tolerate and polyamory), a kind of polyamory (or more accurately a form of non-monogamy) that is tolerated, but not necessarily chosen enthusiastically and of one's own full free will. Since the term spread, it has sparked some debate, especially regarding the ethical aspects and the rather thin line between it and much more traditional cheating.

The term was recently coined by Dan Savage, author of a well-known sex advice column. On his podcast Savage Lovecast, he talked about a relationship dynamic in which one or both partners in a couple that presents itself as monogamous effectively turn a blind eye to the partner's extramarital sexual activity. Rather than actively approving of non-monogamy, they simply tolerate it. The term has sparked criticism and mixed opinions, including from those who believe it ends up equating polyamory with cheating after years of efforts by activists to raise awareness on the subject.

Polyamory means having more than one relationship at the same time with emotional and/or sexual involvement with more than one partner. Some people have a primary partner and some do not; some have a romantic relationship structure made up of three people (“throuple” or “triads”) with more or less equal involvement, and some have a very strong bond with two people who do not have a close relationship with each other. Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy, as is an open relationship, which usually involves a main partner and the possibility of having sexual relationships with others. The fact that we speak of “ethical” non-monogamies emphasizes the consent of all parties, who freely and happily choose to live this type of relationship while respecting everyone involved (and making a considerable effort so that everyone feels comfortable), which has nothing to do with cheating.

The case of tolyamory, however, is a little different because one party would prefer a monogamous relationship and this creates a certain ambiguity: are we simply accepting or ignoring a partner's cheating, just calling it by a new name? Many on Reddit are convinced of this: “It's a stupid term,” reads a comment selected by Vice. “It's simply cheating that didn't shatter a relationship. We don't need made-up words to refrain from judging the partner who chose to cheat.”

It is interesting to note that, in terms of data, Gen Z tends to be quite open toward non-monogamies. A survey conducted in 10 countries by the dating site Ashley Madison together with YouGov in 2024 among young people aged 18 to 29 found that 59% of respondents said they were in an open relationship and had chosen it in order to have richer sexual experiences (65%), to reduce the pressures and expectations placed on a single person (42%), and because they believe it is simply unrealistic for one person to meet all their sexual needs (51%). There is, therefore, a considerable openness toward less traditional forms of love, without judgment. A very different matter, however, applies to cheating, especially in the Italian context. Data from the 2025 Italian Observatory on Infidelity, carried out by YouGov, a global company specializing in market research and data analysis and promoted by the app Gleeden, found that 6 out of 10 Italians are looking for a stable relationship, and the figure rises to 64% among Gen Z young people. 73% believe that having an exclusive relationship is still possible, almost half (49%) consider monogamy a natural condition, and more than 80% believe it is possible to be faithful to the same person for life (88% for Gen Z).

So what are we, then?

The problem with tolyamory, as many people point out in online comments, is the lack of clarity and the imbalance that can end up being created. While some people end up accepting non-monogamy because, perhaps, they realize they cannot meet their partner's sexual needs (for example in the case of asexuality, or simply in a long-term relationship when desire declines), there are other reasons that lead people to go along with an open relationship without truly wanting it, including financial and emotional dependence, the family setup (the presence of children, for example), and social stigma as well. If polyamory therefore implies intentional and consensual negotiation, in the case of tolyamory transparency and mutual agreement are often lacking. That is why it is essential to address certain topics right at the beginning of dating.

"When I ask a client whether they are in an exclusive relationship, it is not uncommon for them to answer yes, or that they 'think so,' adding how wonderful the other person is and how affectionate and involved they are," psychologist Hal Shorey says in Psychology Today, "But then I ask whether they have had a direct conversation and the answer is no." Talking and negotiating scares us, but it is also the only way to distinguish a healthy relationship—whether monogamous or not—from an unclear and potentially painful one. You can introduce the topic with the simple question "What are we?" or state your intention to explore the relationship exclusively by asking the other person what they think. If your wishes do not align, you can choose to compromise and even embrace tolyamory, but it is important to be aware of what you are giving up, why you are making this choice, and to keep the dialogue open. "There are no right or wrong answers. There are only preferences and visions of the future," Hal Shorey observes. "If you ask someone to date you exclusively and they say 'No,' you have not been betrayed. You may feel sad and disappointed, of course, but if you chose the right moment, you do not have to feel abandoned or heartbroken... and you also do not have to leave the situation with anger or contempt for the other person. The conversation and its outcome can end with you upholding your personal integrity and having the chance to love yourself and the other person, or with the other person continuing on their path with respect and dignity."

From: Cosmopolitan IT