Funke Egbemode

Intimate Affairs: The men who pay for sex, by Funke Egbemode

by · The Eagle Online

“Women have finished me,” my friend groaned. “Everything costs money. If you take a woman to dinner, you pay. If you buy her gifts, you pay. If you marry her, you pay school fees. If she has a birthday, you pay. If she is angry, you buy peace offerings. If she is happy, you celebrate with money. At this point, I might as well pay upfront and save everybody’s time.”

I laughed. “But that’s not love.”

He shrugged. “Who said I was looking for love?”

And there lies the beginning of today’s conversation. Why do men pay for sex?

The easy answer is that they want sex and they can afford the price tag. However, the truthful answer is far more complicated.

Because many men who pay for sex can actually get sex without paying for it.

Some are handsome.

Some are rich. Some are married. Some have steady girlfriends.

Yet every day, across the world, millions of men willingly hand over money for what many people insist should be free.

Why?

Let us open that cupboard carefully because some interesting skeletons will definitely fall out.

Let’s start with the convenience angle.

Human beings love convenience.

We order food or opt for mama-put because cooking takes effort.

We use user or bolt services or even employ personal drivers because driving ourselves can be stressful.

We pay for laundry because washing clothes can be tedious.

Some men view paid sex through exactly the same lens. No emotional investment. No long conversations. No endless texting. No “where is this relationship going or when are you meeting my parents?”

No meeting cousins, siblings, neighbours, church members and village elders.

Just a simple, clean, predictable, one-off transaction. No long thing.

Or so they think.

To such men, paying appears cheaper than investing time, emotions and commitment. What do they know? Life has a way of sending invoices later.

Then there is the fear of rejection.

Paid sex is a lifesaver for men who are terrified of rejection. In a society where men are not supposed to cry, some men would rather part with money than risk hearing a woman say: “No.”

Others fear embarrassment. Imagine spending three months pursuing someone only to be friend-zoned. I doff my hat for men, really. I don’t know how they do it.

For those shy men, paying becomes a shortcut around uncertainty. Money removes the possibility of rejection, even if it is temporarily. It buys guaranteed attention. And in a world where many men secretly struggle with self-esteem, that guarantee can be very attractive.

Some men are desperately lonely.

This one may surprise many women.

Some men are desperately lonely. Not sexually lonely. Emotionally lonely.

A lot of men have nobody to talk to, confide in, lean on.

They have nobody to tell them they matter.

Society teaches men to be rocks, brave, unbending, strong, silent and unshakable.

The result is good looking achievers who are hollow and unhappy behind their designer glasses. Many carry heavy emotional burdens alone. For men like this, a paid encounter is not even about sex.

It is about companionship, someone listening, someone smiling, someone to share their fears and success with, even if it is only for a night.

It may be temporary.

It may even be artificial.

But for a lonely soul, artificial warmth can still feel warm.

Now, let’s enter dangerous territory; a man’s ego. The male ego is a mysterious animal. It likes feeding. Some men pay for sex because it makes them feel powerful, powerful enough to snap their fingers and get a girl of their spec. Money becomes proof of success.

The ability to attract attention becomes a symbol of status.

A flashy car, an expensive wristwatch, tastefully furnished home, a luxurious hotel room, an overflowing wallet.

For these men, paying is less about physical pleasure and more about feeding their ego.

It says: “I can afford this. I can afford her.” Unfortunately, ego has a terrible appetite.The more you feed it, the hungrier it becomes.

There are men who opt for paid sex to escape responsibilities.

Marriage is beautiful but it is also work.

Relationships are wonderful but they are also work. Whether it is with a red light district prostitute or a Grade A side chic, paid sex is an escape route.

No responsibilities.

No expectations.

No accountability.

No emotional labour.

No discussions about children’s school fees.

No arguments about forgotten anniversaries.

No family obligations. A friend one said that if you don’t get married, you will never be called to bury an in-law. Short time or TDB (till daybreak) is just pleasure without any responsibility beyond condoms and generally staying safe.

The irony, of course, is that life rarely allows anyone to enjoy benefits without responsibilities forever.

Sooner or later, every shortcut presents its own bill.

The thrill of secrecy is sometimes like a drug and men are strange creatures, right? Sometimes what is forbidden becomes attractive simply because it is forbidden.

For some men, the secrecy, the risk, the hidden nature of the arrangement create excitement.

Psychologists have confirmed that risk can heighten emotional and physical stimulation. That does not make the behaviour wise.

It simply explains why some people find it appealing. The human mind is not always logical. If it were, nobody would eat suya at midnight and promise to start dieting the next morning. Don’t laugh.

There are men who love transactional sex because they believe money gives them control. In ordinary relationships, both parties negotiate. Both have opinions. Both have expectations. In commercial arrangements, many men believe they hold all the power because they are paying but it is just an illusion of control.

No human relationship can ever be completely controlled by one person. Not even when money changes hands. Life is far more complicated than that.

Wounded men also find paying for sex attractive. Here’s a man who has been through a lot and is looking for compassion. He is carrying scars from a painful divorce, or women have served him “breakfast” via heartbreaks, humiliations, false accusations, and emotional trauma.

After being hurt repeatedly, he decided he no longer wants emotional attachment. Safer and more predictable fulfilment becomes his first choice. It may not heal his wounds but it protects his scarred heart. Sometimes behind a seemingly carefree man is a deeply wounded boy who stopped trusting people long ago.

In all of this, sex for sale is expensive sex. Yeah, it’s not cheap. Many men think it is cheap but when you add up the components, the total is in many digits. There is the money, the secrecy, the emotional emptiness after she leaves, the possibility of blackmail, the potential damage to marriages, or loss of reputation.

The danger of addiction to transactional relationships is also a major risk. That “cheap” arrangement begins to look very expensive. Life has a funny sense of humour like that.

As women, we are often frustrated by this sex-buying and sex-for-sale nonsense. Does it not just remind you of vote-buying and vote-for-sale? “If men can get sex elsewhere, why should I bother?”

“If he wants to pay for sex, let him carry his wahala and go, jare.”

You know that angry feeling. It’s even justified but it is more important to “enter” men’s heads and ask: “What are men truly looking for?”

Because for many men, sex is not the just about the quick or short-time escapade with a stranger. There is oftentimes a deeper hunger for respect, peace, companionship, and admiration. Even if it is for just one “till-day-break.”

The smartest women understand that a man may visit many places, but he returns to where he feels valued.

A house becomes a home not because of the furniture but because of the atmosphere inside it. So why exactly do men pay for sex?

Because some are lonely. Some are afraid. Many are impatient. Some are wounded. Some think it makes them powerful. The ones who are afraid of commitment hide their phobia in paid sex. :Ashawo’ no dey get belle.” Can you imagine!

However, beneath all the explanations are a list of stubborn truths.

Human beings are not machines.

You can pay for company.

You can pay for attention.

You can pay for an evening.

You can even pay for silence.

But genuine affection remains one of life’s rarest treasures. There are things you can’t buy, like affection and true companionship.

Money can rent many things but cannot buy sincerity. That is why, despite all the money spent every day in pursuit of temporary pleasure, people still search endlessly for love and companionship.

Because at the end of the day, a runs girl is not a companion. A prostitute may take you to cloud nine and back nine times before daybreak, she will collect her money and leave her client even lonelier than she met him. A mansion filled with ring tones of lovers slipping in and out of ecstasy will not become a love nest. Once the moans and moaners are sated and exhausted, silence will resume.

Of all the things in the world money can buy, paid sex is the only item you can’t keep after you have paid. I hope we all understand.

. egbemode3@gmail.com.

Follow The Eagle Online Channel on WhatsApp

[wpadcenter_ad id='745970' align='none']