The Valley Recap: Rollercoaster Relationships

The Valley
All Aboard
Season 3 Episode 6
Editor’s Rating ★★★
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When I agreed to sub in for this week, I knew it would be a change of pace from my precious Housewives, but I didn’t expect it to be so jarring that I’d leave watching the episode wanting to sage my apartment to ward off the spirit of Danny Booko. It was like waking up from my personal nightmare (dealing with a man-baby while having an actual baby attached to my boob as my internal organs resettle) and reminding myself that I am, thankfully, single and childless. 

For a lot of women watching, The Valley is doing now for us what 16 and Pregnant did when we were teenagers. If you want an in-depth study on why birth rates are falling, just tune in to Bravo on Wednesday nights. All season, we’ve listened to Nia and Kristen vent about the rollercoaster of changes that is post-partum, while their “partners” (not sure if they deserve that title at the moment) continue to center themselves, providing little sympathy for what giving birth must feel like physically and emotionally. Drilling this dichotomy further into our minds is the passive-aggressive argument between Danny and Nia in front of a literal rollercoaster during the group trip to San Diego.

But before we get to the horror movie that is Nia and Danny’s storyline, the gang boards the train to San Diego, and Kristen confronts Zack about his blossoming friendship with Janet. For Zack, the word friend might be a stretch, but as Kristen said, if you give Janet an inch, she’ll take a mile… especially if that mile leads to more screen time. Now that they’re on speaking terms, Janet wedges her foot in the small opening by declaring that she and Zack are BFFs again. Kristen rebukes this sentiment, venting to Luke about a phone call with Zack after his tentative truce with Janet, where he said that he still thinks Janet is “totally delusional.” Once on the train, Janet’s forced friendliness toward Zack and his polite, cordial responses gradually ignite Krazy Kristen. 

You can practically see the heat rising through Kristen’s body as Janet and Zack continue to interact, until she finally erupts. I’m kind of obsessed with how she approaches her issues with Zack because it gives us a glimpse of how she’ll eventually discipline baby Kaia. Kristen tells Zack there are “consequences” for his actions and to not “say one thing and do another,” referring to his chumminess with Janet despite talking shit just 24 hours earlier. She shakes her head disapprovingly at his “choices” and reminds him to “say what you mean and mean what you say.” Only time can tell what the “consequences” will be for his tolerance of Janet, but I know that I’m excited to find out. 

Once in San Diego, the gears switch back to the fissures in the domestic relationships, specifically Danny and Nia. There isn’t anything outright chaotic about Danny and Nia’s bickering — there’s no voice raising or name-calling, yet what we do see is still appalling. With the Jax-sized hole in the cast, the narcissistic tendencies in the other men become more glaring, showing how covert mistreatment can slowly chip away at a relationship. As for Nia and Danny, like most evangelical Instagram couples, the veil of their wannabe picture-perfect marriage was already thinner than tissue paper with a Wegovy prescription. However, as the season progresses and Nia sinks further into the four-under-four abyss, Danny’s behavior is impossible to ignore. 

The San Diego trip marks the first time in a while that Nia and Danny have time to spend together without their children. Although they enlist their nanny to allow them alone time, since Adelaide is still breastfeeding, they’re not entirely off the clock, which is news for Danny, whose definition of fatherhood seems to be watching his wife drown in post-partum as he dreams about having a son to pass on his “legacy.” When Nia asks him to put the baby to sleep, he replies, “What do you mean?” To him, daddy duty is a chore to tick off a list, a stark contrast to Nia and many other women who experience mothering as a change in identity, not another job you can clock in and out of. He even says in his confessional that he’s unsure of why Nia “put” him in such a position when they have a babysitter — but note how he asks Nia for the swaddle, not the babysitter. 

Like clockwork, Danny’s weaponized incompetence leaps out as he’s apparently physically and intellectually unable to grab a swaddle to help Adelaide sleep — something I’m sure Nia has done numerous times without any help while caring for all their children at once. Danny rolls his eyes at his wife eating a sandwich, because God forbid his daughter’s only food source is allowed to fuel herself. The audacity! Being forced to parent his child sours Danny’s attitude during the outing to the amusement park, while Nia embraces the rare child-free moment. He condemns her excitement, nitpicking her every word and saying her demeanor is “performative.” Watching their interactions is like nails on a chalkboard, and Nia notes in her confessional that they’re “not on the same page energy-wise.” Well, Nia, I could’ve told you that, especially after Danny turned your real lactation struggles into a joke with his “Mister Milker” schtick. That man doesn’t care about your well-being! 

Danny isn’t the only one exhibiting bad behavior tonight; in fact, as always, we see the full spectrum of narcissism with these guys. Next up is Jesse, who makes me feel welcome in this space with his Housewife-worthy diva behavior when picking rooms. While Jesse is obviously a dick, unlike some of his costars, he doesn’t pretend that he isn’t, making the low stakes of his indiscretions tonight much more entertaining than those of Danny. Jesse immediately beelines for the best room of the rental, disregarding his ex-wife as the host of the trip. Lala, Michelle’s mouthpiece, jumps into action, dismissing Jesse with an emphatic “Are you fucking kidding me?” before vowing not to leave the room, even if that means sharing a bed with Jesse and Lacy, who’s en route to join them. Fortunately, this doesn’t happen because, like Nia with Danny, Jamine helps Jesse through his incompetence by reminding him that there’s a whole house filled with rooms that can accommodate him and his girlfriend. Where would any of these men be without a woman — whether it be their moms, significant others, or friends — to guide them through life? 

Next on the list of not shit men is Schwartz, who doesn’t really do anything wrong in this episode (unless you count that teased-up confessional hair as an offense, which I do), but I still like to whack him whenever I get a chance just for the fun of it. Per usual, he’s working overtime to mask his toxic traits by picking another dominant personality to hide behind as he gnaws at his fingernails and continues to exhaust his lost-puppy act. Enter Kiana, Schwartz’s twenty-seven-year-old girlfriend, whom we meet before the trip during a brunch at TomTom with Janet, Jason, Brittany, and Zack. Kiana and her emotional support bestie burst The Valley’s aggressive elder millennial energy with an aura clearly curated by TikTok and Instagram. Unable to remove her trendy sunglasses the entire time (it would ruin the aesthetic!), she charms the table with her dry humor and youthful attitude.

Schwartz muses that he’s worried he doesn’t have many chances of love left, so naturally, he puts all his eggs in the basket of a twenty-seven-year-old model he found roaming around his now-defunct strip mall bar. Honestly, I’m not seeing a forever love connection, and I think Kiana will walk Schwartz like a dog, but he craves that type of relationship, so kudos to them. I also agree with Lala saying that Kiana may or may not be fucking whoever she wants in New York. Regardless, everyone approves of Kiana, with Zack good-naturedly parodying her sunglasses and the girls encouraging him to lock it down despite the tumultuous relationships their friend group seems to attract. 

The final roller coaster ride The Valley takes us on is another sentimental moment from Michelle. Out of the shadow of Jesse’s big personality, Michelle is opening up this season, first with her heartbreaking estrangement from her father and now with her grieving process for her mother. I was never a big fan of Michelle, and I’m still not quite there yet, but knowing more about her childhood provides context for why she comes off as emotionally resigned at times. Additionally, these scenes add heart to the show, highlighting this strange chapter of adulthood where you feel both too old and too young to be dealing with so many endings and beginnings that it’s hard to keep up (which is really what The Valley originally aimed to be about until men in arrested development got in the way. You can’t ebb and flow if you refuse to grow).

During her conversation on the beach with Lala, Michelle discusses losing the person closest to her and her only support system in L.A., as Lala empathizes because of the passing of her father. Michelle notes her spiritual connection with her mother that continues to grow in the afterlife. I loved hearing about the signs Michelle’s mom sends through her dreams and how she can feel her guiding her through life. I concur. From just watching the difference in Michelle’s energy from last season to now, I can see that she’s a lighter person. And she lost the dead weight of her last two relationships. Is it too much to cross my fingers that Nia is next?