Beff Jezos Simulator lets you indulge in the fantasy that billionaires actually do any work

I love fantasy games

Picking things up. Putting the things in boxes. Setting prices. Managing employees. Wiping the sweat from your creased brow and knowing, even if your meagre salary doesn’t get you very far, at least you put in an honest day’s graft to acquire it. All things done by pathetic fools that don’t realise the true CEO grindset actually involves no-wifing Diablo 4 all day and subsisting entirely off the the Lucozade-bottled urine of overworked drivers forced to make the agonising decision between self respect and continued employment. I might be conflating billionaires here.

Also, coincidentally, all things you can do in the demo for Beff Jezos Simulator. Now, work simulation games aren’t my absolute favourite. But, hey, I do love a good fantasy game. And what spellbinding vision of a farflung reality could be more fantastical than a game in which a billionaire actually does some work?

In this wonderful fantasy allegory - like Metaphor: ReFantazio but for people who, when they say 'let them cook,' are preparing to slurp a stew made entirely of boot - you can also perform these premium fantasy billionaire activities:

   •  Fulfill Orders Efficiently: Pack items quickly and accurately, manage customer service, and keep satisfaction high!
   •  Grow Your Business: Hire a skilled team, expand packaging stations, and even open a warehouse as demand soars.
   •  Upgrade Your Skills: Unlock powerful abilities like bulk shipping, advanced sales insights, and marketing strategies through a rich skill tree!
   •  Real-World E-Commerce Mechanics: Face real challenges like inventory management, pricing strategies, and keeping customers happy.
   •  Adapt to Market Trends: Stock popular items and adjust quickly to shifts in demand to keep profits high.

I’m not spotting anything about buying entire media outlets to gradually influence public opinion into thinking bald divorced men with all the basic empathy of a mouldy satsuma are actually extremely fuckable and cool, but I’m sure that’s in there somewhere too.

What would you do if you were a billionaire, reader? I would buy the world a copy of Beff Jezos Simulator and a really lovely bottle to piss in. Wide rimmed. Sturdy. Leak-proof. The works.