Has Love Become a “Luxury Product”?

When the average person thinks of “luxury,” they think of Louis Vuitton luggage, a Maldives vacation complete with an overwater bungalow, or a bottle of Dom Pérignon—rare “splurges” that make them feel elated...until they see the very low number in their bank account as a result.

But in a time where doing things like going out to dinner, hiring a matchmaker, buying a date night outfit, or even just getting some better options on a dating app means shelling out hundreds of dollars, has dating actually become a luxury product?

Coffee shops are a great first date spot, and it doesn’t cost a thing to get set up with a friend of a friend. At their core, dating, falling in love, and maintaining a relationship aren’t inherently expensive—so why does everyone expect them to be?

Online discourse and social media have a lot to do with the commodification of dating. If you scroll down your TikTok FYP or Instagram timeline, you’ll find that many people subscribe to a version of “romance” that comes with a hefty price tag.

Every step of dating seems to come with a fee: if you want a dating app with the most premium options, that can run you up to $600 a year. And if you want a more “surefire” way of finding someone, hiring a matchmaker costs anywhere from $5,000 to $25,000. Say you find someone you actually want to go on a date with: when you crosscheck that list of places women refused to go on a first date at (most of which were just affordable chain restaurants or cheap activities), the average cost of a single date is $189.

Of course, there is a gender dynamic at play here. Studies show young men pay for all or most early dates 90 percent of the time—and they’re aware of these expectations. According to a Joi AI survey of 1,000 men, 77 percent feel anxious about the cost of a date before it even begins. This is understandable considering the expectations around a “good date”: Think about how often we’re indoctrinated online with money-centered dating advice like “if he wanted to, he would” or “sprinkle sprinkle.” In the heterosexual dating pool, men are more often than not expected to be providers in a romantic relationship (that this is a system men set up themselves is another story).

When dating adds up to be just another expense, it can be harder to justify its cost to the rest of our budgetary needs.

But this doesn’t mean heterosexual women aren’t feeling the financial weight of dating today—there are “invisible” costs like pre-date beauty maintenance that many women are pressured to indulge in to be “desirable.” We’re told we need to have our nails, toes, hair, eyebrows, and makeup done. We need an outfit. Oh, and a wax. And if we’re concerned about our safety, separate transportation from our date is a cost to consider as well. And trust me, these things add up quickly too.

When dating adds up to be just another expense, it can be harder to justify its cost to the rest of our budgetary needs. How can you even begin to think about paying for all the expenses in a relationship when you can’t afford your groceries or gas? The answer is that you don’t.

For younger daters, this rising cost of living is already changing the way they approach romance. According to a recent survey, 84 percent of Gen Z and millennial respondents said it's affected their dating habits, while 17 percent have borrowed money or taken on debt to keep dating and 11 percent have stopped dating entirely because they can't afford it. Dating, in its own way, has become that Louis Vuitton bag.

A solution seems simple here: Stop opting for expensive dating activities. Don’t hire a matchmaker. Stick with the free version of the dating app. Go to the Chili’s anyway.

But it’s actually not that simple. Think about the wellness industry—another facet of our everyday lives that has become a “luxury.” Sure, you can be perfectly healthy with an at-home meal plan and a $25 a month gym membership. But when you’re constantly bombarded with protein products, premium fitness facilities, and red-light therapy masks all in the name of wellness, you start to think that you’re falling behind if you don’t fall in line (and swipe your card). The same is happening with our relationships.

Unfortunately, the true solution here requires more than a singular rejection of the status quo—it calls for a societal shift away from impossible financial standards and toward what dating and relationships are really about: connection. When we begin to push back on why we have certain expectations about how much a date should cost, we can start to let them go.

To be clear, I’m the last person to tell women to “expect less” of their partners. Most online conversations about the financial standards women set for their partners are done without nuance or the understanding of how women are financially disadvantaged in this country compared to men. But we need to be realistic here. We’re bombarded with online messaging that makes us believe that being “flown out” for dates is a norm and that a partner who funds our lifestyle is more important than one who we feel emotionally connected to. Is this the case for some couples? Yes. Should this be the standard we all abide by? I don’t think so.

We’re often told that Gen Z is the “loneliest generation.” And while this claim stems from many different societal factors, our generation’s views on dating are a part of the problem. And without any genuine modifications on how we date on the whole—without a general consensus that love shouldn’t be considered a “luxury”—I don’t see future generations becoming any less lonely.