5 Tips to Using Handcuffs During Sex, According to Kink Experts

Why Use Handcuffs During Sex?

Handcuffs are kind of the poster child for kinky sex. Even if you’ve never so much as opened a pair in your life, the concept seems pretty self-explanatory: You put them on, someone can’t use their hands, hot sex ensues. Easy enough, right?

Well, mostly. Handcuffs can be a relatively simple way to dip your toe into bondage, but there’s a lot more you can do with them than simply cuffing someone to the bed. “Handcuffs and other restraints are extremely versatile,” says Lisa Finn, a sex educator at Babeland. “Bondage play with restraints can of course be super kinky…but they can also be really intimate.”

Of course, the whole temporarily taking away someone’s ability to move freely thing does mean there are a few things you should know before getting started. The right restraints, a little prep, and some basic safety knowledge can make the difference between an extremely hot experiment and realizing mid-hookup that, uh, neither of you actually knows how to get the cuffs off.

Ahead, exactly how to use handcuffs during sex, from picking the right pair to putting them on safely—and what you can actually do once they’re there.

Part of what makes handcuffs so hot is pretty obvious: They change what one person can physically do, which can instantly introduce a whole new power dynamic into sex. Being restrained can mean temporarily giving up some control, while being the person holding the metaphorical (and literal) keys lets you take it. And if that kind of power play turns you on, cuffs offer a relatively simple way to experiment with it.

But handcuffs don’t have to be part of some elaborate BDSM scene to be exciting. Finn says restraints can also create “connection through intentional exploration, desire and anticipation, and push us to be more creative with the ways that we use our bodies for erotic play.” When you suddenly can’t reach for your partner, touch them back, or immediately act on what you want, even things you’ve done approximately a million times can feel different.

What Kind of Handcuffs Should You Use During Sex?

If you’re new to handcuffs, this is one instance where you probably don’t want to go for the most literal option. Instead of police-style metal cuffs, both Finn and Mistress Marley, a luxury dominatrix and kink educator, recommend starting with soft restraints that are easy to get in and out of.

“Fabric restraints like neoprene, poly blends, silk/satin, vegan leather, and flexible leather are great materials for beginners,” Finn says. Look for wider cuffs, which she says distribute pressure more evenly, along with adjustable closures like Velcro, clasps, or simple buckles that make it easy to release your partner quickly if needed.

As for those classic metal handcuffs? Save ’em for the fantasy. Finn doesn’t recommend rigid metal or hard plastic cuffs because they can dig into the skin and potentially cause cuts, bruising, circulation issues, or nerve damage, particularly if they tighten with movement. Marley similarly recommends avoiding police-style cuffs, zip ties, and anything that can tighten without an easy way to release it.

And if your cuffs lock, make damn sure you know where the key is before anyone gets restrained. Finn recommends keeping it visible and immediately accessible and having a backup release plan in case something goes wrong. Because “I lost the tiny handcuff key” is a significantly less sexy plot twist when it’s happening to you.

How to Use Handcuffs During Sex

So, you’ve got your beginner-friendly cuffs and someone who very much wants to be restrained. Now what? Before you start living out whatever handcuff-related fantasy brought you here, there are a few things you’ll want to do first.

Talk About What You Want

Before anyone gets cuffed, talk about what you’re actually hoping to get out of the experience. Who wants to be restrained? Where are you comfortable putting the cuffs? Is there anything you definitely don’t want to try? And what about the whole thing turns you on in the first place?

Finn refers to this conversation as “scene negotiation,” and stresses that it shouldn’t only be about establishing boundaries. “It’s just as important to talk about your wants and desires as it is to talk about your limits,” she says. In other words, don’t just make a list of everything that could go wrong—talk about what would make the experience really fucking hot, too.

You’ll also want to agree on a clear safeword before you start. Marley recommends establishing a nonverbal signal as well, just in case speaking becomes difficult. And remember that agreeing to be restrained doesn’t mean agreeing to everything that happens afterward: Consent can be withdrawn at any point, cuffs or no cuffs.

Practice Getting In—and Out—of Them

Before the cuffs make their official bedroom debut, do a decidedly less sexy trial run. “Practice putting the cuffs on and taking them off before using them during play,” Marley says. And if your restraints require a key or safety scissors for release, those should be within immediate reach—not across the room, buried in a drawer, or wherever else they’ll inevitably become impossible to find the second you actually need them.

Keep the Positioning Simple

For your first time, there’s no need to get particularly ambitious with positioning. Marley recommends starting with the restrained person’s hands cuffed in front of their body, which tends to be easier and more comfortable for beginners than putting their arms behind their back.

Once you’re both comfortable with that, you can experiment with other placements. Finn says hands behind the back can work while standing, sitting, or kneeling, as long as the position doesn’t put too much stress on the shoulders. You can also try arms overhead while lying down, using a pillow to keep the head and arms supported.

Whatever position you choose, get the restrained person comfortably situated before you move on. If something strains their shoulders, wrists, or another joint, adjust it. There are approximately zero prizes for sticking with a bondage position your body hates.

Use the Restraint to Tease

Once the cuffs are on, resist the urge to immediately rush to whatever you’d normally do next. Part of the fun of restraints is that the person wearing them can’t immediately reach for you or act on what they want, which gives you plenty of opportunity to build anticipation.

“Teasing and restraints are a great pair,” Finn says. She suggests taking your time exploring different kinds of touch and paying attention to what your partner responds to. Being the one in control of when—and how—they’re touched can also add a power-play element without requiring some wildly elaborate BDSM scene.

Keep Checking In

Getting enthusiastic consent before the cuffs go on doesn’t mean you can stop communicating once they’re there. Keep paying attention to how your partner is responding, and check in regularly—especially when you’re trying something new or changing positions.

And a check-in doesn’t have to bring everything to a screeching halt. Finn suggests working questions like “Do you like that?”, “Do you want more?”, or “How does that feel?” into your dirty talk as you go. You can also use the safeword or nonverbal signal you established earlier if something needs to change or stop—and if it does, stop and release or adjust the restraints as needed.

How Tight Should Handcuffs Be?

Handcuffs obviously need to be secure enough that they’re actually, you know, restraining someone, but tighter definitely does not equal better. Finn recommends leaving enough room to slide two fingers between the restraint and your partner’s wrist or other limb.

Once the cuffs are on, pay attention to how the restrained person feels and what you can physically see. According to Finn, numbness, tingling, weakness, discoloration, sudden coldness, swelling, twitching, or pain are all red flags that something isn’t right. If any of those happen, stop and remove the restraints immediately.

You’ll also want to make sure the position itself isn’t putting too much pressure on one part of the body or forcing anything to overstretch. And if your partner starts getting pins and needles, don’t try to power through because you’re otherwise having a great time. Stop, adjust, and make sure they’re comfortable before deciding whether to continue.

How to Use Handcuffs Safely

One final rule once someone is restrained: Don’t leave them alone. Even if everything feels totally fine, Marley stresses that a restrained partner should always have someone there who can release them if needed.

Once you’re done, remove the cuffs carefully and check the wrists and skin for any irritation. Marley also recommends following through with whatever physical or emotional aftercare you agreed on beforehand.

Ultimately, handcuffs are supposed to make sex more exciting, not turn getting your partner out of them into an escape-room challenge. A little preparation means you can focus on why you put them on in the first place.