The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Recap: Disco Inferno

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City
Hypocrisy and Bull…
Season 7 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating ★★★
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This season of Salt Lake City will officially go down in history as the divorce season. These couples are dropping like flies all around us … well, more specifically, all around Heather, who for some reason has become the go-to confidante on this San Francisco trip. We already saw Angie tearfully disclose her marital troubles to Heather, and now Whitney is doing the same — both blissfully unaware that they’re unintentionally stealing one another’s big story lines. Heather is left keeping both of their secrets while wondering what the hell is in the air this season. Maybe there’s an equilibrium that must be restored on this show, relationship-wise. With Heather finally in a happy relationship, perhaps others had to sacrifice theirs to keep the balance.

Meanwhile, Lisa is upset about something that was said the night prior, but she seems unclear about what exactly was said and by whom. She tells Quai that Bronwyn accused her and Meredith of “scheming” in the bathroom, but the flashback shows that it was actually Britani, and the word she used was strategizing. But the best part comes when, in her confessional, a producer clarifies this to Lisa, and she responds by saying, “No, it was Bronwyn … I watched her say it.” That level of pure confidence while talking to the person with cold, hard footage is what makes Lisa Barlow the perfect Real Housewife. In any case, Lisa says that it basically doesn’t make any difference who said it because they’re all sharing the same brain cell anyway.

But fear not, Lisa will be channeling that energy into her art. We find out as the women head out on a boat for the day that she and Meredith were, in fact, scheming, but on a new diss track that they plan on performing that night. “I’m glad I don’t have a Broadway voice and it’s more like Beyoncé,” Lisa says, and I think we should sit with that for a moment. I don’t know how Beyoncé would feel about being compared to Lisa Barlow as a vocalist, but I also don’t want Lisa to disqualify herself from one day playing Roxie Hart either.

Speaking of “Cell Block Tango,” their boat sails right past Alcatraz (pour one out for Jen Shah!), and they even get to see a whale, but neither of those sights are the highlight of the outing. For me, at least, the highlight was getting to see Angie throwing up over the side of the boat. If any producers are reading this: Please never stop bringing this woman to sea. 

Because of that seasickness, poor Angie has to miss that night’s Studio 54 party, and even though they’re not on the best terms, Lisa grabs the phone and shouts out very specific instructions on how to treat her ailment. It’s the kindest thing she’ll do all night. Most of the evening, at least leading up to the big climax, involves Lisa and Meredith sitting together like a glammed-up Statler and Waldorf, making commentary about everything happening around them and poking holes in Bronwyn’s San Francisco origin story. 

Brandon is also there, crashing the girls’ trip like a hot Simon van Kempen, and while the ladies had a lot to say about that earlier, he basically wins them all over face-to-face. Or face-to-abs, as he’s essentially shirtless. Since he’s perfectly nice and lovely, seeing that firsthand might make some of the ladies chill out about investigating the relationship. But even so, Bronwyn’s joke earlier about “buying” him still feels strange, but maybe she’s just trying to reclaim the narrative. 

Then Lisa and Meredith disappear into the DJ booth for this secret performance they’ve planned, like the two little cousins forcing the rest of the family to watch the half-assed dance routine they invented at Thanksgiving. But unlike a situation like that, this time I’m entertained. Lisa introduces Meredith as “the queen of bumps,” meaning caviar, but to be fair, she does shimmy on out with an energy that we rarely see from her. She is so excited to ruin Bronwyn’s party; it’s simply pure, unbridled joy that we’re seeing on her (new) face. They “sing” a “song,” which is basically just them saying the words hypocrisy and bullshit over and over again as a beat plays, though I do think it would go platinum if they released it as a single.

But the real performance comes from Bronwyn watching, as she pretends to silently cry during the song. Heather isn’t going to let her let this slide with just a few quiet tears, though. After all, she’s a de facto producer, so it’s time to produce. She eggs Bronwyn on by pointing out that this was a big scheme that they had to plan and says that they probably even rehearsed it. That’s where Heather loses me, because I don’t think anybody would look at that performance and think rehearsal was involved in any way. But ultimately Heather was correct, because we flashback to four hours earlier when Lisa and Meredith were in their hotel room struggling to nail the song — which, might I remind you, is just three words over and over again. Quai is caught in the middle, because she loves Lisa and Meredith, but even she says (while wearing a leather daddy outfit in her confessional) that it wasn’t the right time or place. 

Bronwyn comes back into the room with the whole party now chanting her name, and riffs to recover from the awkward moment, joking, “Honestly, the hypocrisy and bullshit wasn’t even about me, it’s about Britani.” The cut to Britani, who had just defended Bronwyn, completely gagged, is pure art. To make a 30 Rock comparison, Britani Bateman is this show’s Lutz; the forever punching bag no matter the scenario. And it’s such an entertaining dynamic, especially because Britani is so painfully hungry for attention and respect. I think that’s why she’s still a friend-of despite doing the work of a full-time Housewife, because they know the magic of Britani is her desperation. She’s ready to pitch a fit over the stray dig until Bronwyn clarifies she’s just teasing her, and she lets it go.

But then something even funnier happens. As Bronwyn sits back down after cleaning up the snafu, we get a truly magical moment. One of my favorite things is when a Real Housewife immediately reenters a function that they’ve just been thrown out of, and Lisa elevates the art form by doing so with a microphone in hand and shouting, “One more time!” I just wish we got to see her convince the DJ to give her back the mic. But then again, I see a world in which she just carries one around with her in her bag just in case. “I’m giving the people what they want,” Lisa says, somehow getting Bronwyn’s entire party to start chanting “Bullshit!” They should write about this in The Art of War, because the way Lisa was able to strong-arm Bronwyn out of her own party is absolutely masterful. “What did Lady Gaga say? A star is born,” Lisa says to Meredith as they both finally exit the event. It’s the perfect cherry on top — citing a Lady Gaga movie title as some sort of famous quote. But as the old saying goes, “House of Gucci.”