The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Failure to Launch

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Drama on the Dance Floor
Season 15 Episode 17
Editor’s Rating ★★★
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This week on our favorite show, Rich Women Doing Things, the rich women did things. They jumped into the pool at a backyard party while still wearing all of their clothes, a full face of glam, and enough clip-in extensions in their hair to create an entire Cousin Itt costume, and somehow not a single one of those clips got stuck in the pool filter. They rocked their immovable glitter knee-high boots that looked directly off of Shein, even though they probably paid $2,500 to look both uncomfortable and cheap. They did whole scenes in an impenetrable facemask to keep their salmon sperm facial in so that they could look extra young and dewey at their daughter’s wedding, even though, with the mask on, they looked like their own weird twins.

Mostly, what the women do is act like they are a finale, which, lo and behold, turns out not to be a finale at all. It feels like Rachel’s Studio 54 birthday party was supposed to be the finale party, but after Erika and Kyle fell out with Dorit in Italy, the producers thought, This is finally going somewhere and forced everyone to film for two more weeks to get some juice late in this rather staid season. So many of the scenes, though, are meant to wrap up the personal storylines of the season, which is what we would have in the finale. Sutton talks to her mother, Reba, about being alone after all of her kids have gone off to college, and Reba gives Sutton her usual advice, which is a strange combination of sage and cruel. (Imagine if you burnt a luxury candle in your house and said, “I detect distinct notes of sage and torture. Let’s call it the Reba!”)

Then there is Boz with her whole engagement ordeal, which, well, is kinda sweet. Even though I’m sorry, I’m convinced she knew what this was going to be. She got that dressed up to go on a mother/daughter date with Leal? To quote Paige DeSorbo, she wore shoulder pads to the beach. When they open the door at the steakhouse, they are greeted with Keeley in a sparkly jacket looking almost exactly like Chadwick Boseman in Black Panther (extremely complimentary), with a bunch of roses and a circle of their closest friends and family. The weirdest thing is that she is essentially met with a sea of phones aloft as everyone films the proposal, even though both the Bravo cameras were there, and there is a professional videographer hired just for this purpose. It’s going to be on television! You can just share that clip forever, ma. (Yes, I watch RHORI.) I just hope that Keeley can be happy with Boz and the family that they already have, and that next season we can put her fertility journey to rest. She and Leal are enough, and if Keeley doesn’t get that, then he can take his sparkly jacket and go back to San Diego.

Kyle seems to be wrapping up her journey with Alexia’s wedding and all the flashbacks of what her life used to be like when she had small kids, didn’t worry about how some came across on reality television, and actually brought some drama to this here show. I don’t think we’re going to see the wedding, but this seems like a good summation. The same is true with Rachel at Dorit’s book launch party, where she talks about her ex, Rodger, who put the small D in Roger, posted a few days after her birthday to his new girlfriend and his “love,” and how she’s a Virgo wannabe stylist and will never be as good as the real thing. 

But no, this is not a finale because of everything that happens at Rachel’s Studio 54 party. Yes, I am talking about Natalie, the melody of a song playing three houses away, doing the splits at the party. Does she not know that it is Kyle Richards’s party trick that she has copyrighted, trademarked, patented, and had certified as a piece of intangible cultural heritage by UNESCO? What is she going to do next? A ponytail helicopter? Actually, this is why we haven’t seen Natalie all season. She’s actually had great talks with the ladies, a great personal storyline, and tons of drama, but Kyle saw this split at the party, FaceTimed Andy Cohen from the toilet, and told him that if he didn’t edit her out from the entire season, she would release the pictures. Yes, those pictures.

Actually, what happens at the party is that Dorit doesn’t talk to either Kyle or Erika after their giant blowup in Italy. There is a weird moment at the party where Dorit is going over to talk to Boz and Erika, and sits down kind of far from them and doesn’t say anything. Erika motions all the other women over to join them, and they come, quickly shooing off the muggles who were sitting there who aren’t involved in this storyline. Jen Tilly, earning her snack money paycheck, flat-out asks Dorit if she’s going to talk to Kyle. She says that she’s not; her daughter just started school, and she’s not in the right headspace to do it. Well, Dorit, you’d better get in the right headspace because this was meant to be the finale party, and you’re running out of time. It’s now or never. 

Sutton offers that maybe she should approach Kyle and say that she’s sorry she hasn’t talked to her all week, but wants to work on things. That is when Dorit flips like a million pancakes. She tells Sutton that she is not apologizing, feels no need to, and that if Kyle wants to lead a conversation, then they can have one, but she’s not starting it. I think Dorit is totally justified in those feelings, particularly towards Kyle, but there’s no reason to make Sutton collateral damage. Dorit says in confessional that “[Sutton’s] desperate obsession with getting Kyle’s approval has gotten the best of her.” Yes, but Dorit also thinks that Kyle has marshalled everyone against her, posing, once again, as the victim in her own narrative. Yes, Kyle, Sutton, and Erika are currently in the anti-Dorit column with Amanda by their side, which is a product of Dorit’s own behavior. But she still has allies. Boz and Rachel are by her side and don’t seem to care about Kyle, so it’s not as bad as she makes it out to be. 

Sutton gets her feelings hurt with this interaction and decides to bring it up to Dorit. What ensues is one of the rudest, nastiest, most insincere things I have ever seen, and I leave C-SPAN on for background noise. Sutton approaches Dorit and asks to talk to her, and Dorit says, “That’s annoying,” as if that is not what this entire show is predicated on. Dorit says she was enjoying a conversation for the first time (with someone not on the show). Sutton is taken aback but tells her that her feelings were hurt, again, which is what this show is all about, and something Dorit has said to people more times than PK, someone whose ball sack is covered in boils, than the number of boils on his ball sack. 

“I’m sorry your feelings were hurt,” Dorit says with a tone that says just the opposite of what she’s saying. When Sutton asks if she’s really upset, Dorit says that she just apologized. Yeah, girl, no. That’s like saying that you’re hungry and someone hands you a turd in the shape of a hamburger. Then you say that you’re still hungry, and they say, “Didn’t I just give you a hamburger?” No, you did not. You know it’s a turd, you made that turd yourself, and you can smell your own fingers, which smell like dookie. Dorit says, “What do you need me to do to prove how sorry I am for hurting your feelings by talking to someone who came up to me?” I don’t know, how about show some actual remorse, or just say what you’re thinking. Instead, Dorit is just baiting Sutton, lying to her face, and then trying to pretend like she’s being a good person. 

Sutton says if they want to have a relationship, she needs to be able to tell Dorit when her feelings are hurt, and Dorit says, “You did, and I met you with an apology. What would you like in addition to the apology?” Jeez, Dorit. What I would like, what Sutton would like, is an apology that is not a turd shaped like a hamburger. Dorit finally storms off, saying, “Bye, weirdo,” which is annoying but, honestly, weirdo is my new favorite insult, so look for it to be used often in these pages. 

Dorit didn’t do anything that she should have done at this party. I didn’t need her to apologize to Kyle or Erika (but maybe Erika), but I at least needed her to address what they were saying, to maybe go another round to try to form some kind of conclusion to this fight and to this season. Instead, she just punted it down the road, making even more enemies in the process. The next big event is the launch of the picture that is going to be Dorit’s book cover, which everyone suitably makes fun of for being a non-event. (The book won’t be ready when the season is airing. Again, Dorit is tardy for her own party.) When Rachel, Boz, Jen Tilly, Kathy, and even Amanda are the only ones to show up to the launch, Dorit is shocked, shocked, that the people she has been awful to aren’t there.

Sutton probably should have gone. Her mother is right, just suck it up, have a couple of cocktails, wish her well, and fight another day, but I totally understand why she didn’t because I haven’t seen anything so mean on this show since Sutton told Dorit to “pick on someone whose wallet fits.” Kyle definitely shouldn’t have gone because it would just have led to another fight between Kyle and Dorit. After her conversation with Rachel, I expected Erika to come. Rachel said if she bailed, that Dorit would be surprised and hurt, and Erika, knowing full well that would be the case, went to Sutton’s house instead. In that moment, she chose anger, she chose exclusion, she chose violence. We still have one week until the fallout happens, but at least, finally, after 17 episodes, we have something to talk about at the reunion.