Sudden Endings

Why people leave relationships with little warning.

Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano

Key points

• Typically, more solid relationships don't end abruptly. A lot of rocking has to occur first before they end.
• First check whether you did something inexcusable or missed warning signs that things were not going well.
• The other person may have been using or fooling you or incapable of establishing strong emotional bonds.
• People who abruptly leave you could be doing you a tremendous favor by showing you who they really are.

During an episode of his TV series Seinfeld, Jerry Seinfeld once said that ending a relationship “is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” But what if your world gets rocked when a relationship ends without such rocking first?

What if the person whom you thought was so close to you leaves abruptly with little warning? This can leave you open to feeling a big lack of closure. Well, when such a thing happens, consider the following eight possibilities.

Possibility One: The relationship was already deteriorating long before the moment and you missed the warning signs.

Of course, one possibility is the relationship did not end abruptly. Instead, maybe you were oblivious and completely missed all the rocking over months or even years while brushing off all the warning signs and all the "We have to talk" attempts by the other person.

Possibility Two: You did something so terrible and so awful.

Let's get all the "It's your fault" possibilities out of the way first. This is where you've done something inexcusable, such as cheating on or abandoning the other person during a time of need. If such was indeed the case, unless you are as dense as a cinder block, you should eventually figure out why the other person fled to the exit and recognize that it wasn't a good idea to do something like sleep with that person's sister or brother or both.

Possibility Three: The other person never established a real emotional bond with you.

Yes, there are plenty of great actors out there. And even if they aren't in the movies, musicals, or plays, they can sure be adept at playing you. They can tell you a whole lot of sweet nothings, like how wonderful and special you are, that end up being, well, nothing. Yeah, some people are just not capable of truly connecting emotionally with you or anyone for that matter and experiencing the benefits of a close, trusting relationship. Regardless, if there's no emotional connection on their part, the moment you aren't the perfect whatever to them, they can be perfectly fine with walking out the door.

Possibility Four: The relationship was one-sided and you wanted something from the other person.

If the other person is narcissistic or self-centered in any way, the relationship can seem all hunky-dory as long as you keep giving. And giving. But once you have the audacity of, you know, actually wanting something from the other person, that other person can think, "Hey, this was supposed to be all about me" and leave to find someone else to latch onto like a parasite.

Possibility Five: That person was addicted to something that you can no longer provide.

Even if the relationship wasn't completely one-sided, it may have been built primarily on something that the other person needed from you. Maybe that person was addicted to the social, financial, intellectual, emotional, physical, spiritual, or whatever status or validation that you provided. For example, you could have been the hot or popular person who gave the other person clout, who allowed the other person to tell others, "Look at whom I'm dating," or who constantly told the other person, "You are good enough, you are smart enough, and, gosh darn it, people like you." Well, guess what happens when you lose your money, lose a pack or two in your abs, switch to a less glamorous job, no longer have the time to constantly offer praise, get sick, or, gasp, age? That person no longer has his or her supply, whether it's financial, social, narcissistic, or whatever, and has to run to find another supply to suck dry.

Possibility Six: The person is playing a manipulative game.

Sometimes people will walk out the door just so that they can gain leverage over you. They want you to chase them so that they can be in a position to dictate the terms of getting back together. Naturally, this type of behavior is not very conducive to healthy relationships. After all, you typically won't say, "What I like most about you is I never know when you will walk out the door." Yeah, leave the drama to high school musicals.

Possibility Seven: The person has something to hide.

People can make quick escapes when they suspect that you're on to them, when you've uncovered their darkness, or when the jig is up, so to speak. Maybe they forgot to mention a little detail like they are married and have 10 kids, are a bank robber instead of a banker, or are apathetic when they kept describing themselves as empathetic.

Possibility Eight: The person has found someone else.

You know the saying about being the last person to know? Well, the other person could have been cultivating another relationship for a while and finally had solid enough ground to jump onto, away from you. So, what seemed like an abrupt exist was really the final phase in a transition.

Naturally, the first two possibilities mean you should do some work on yourself. You have to either better recognize warning signs or not be such a freaking piece of bleep.

Possibilities three through eight are different stories. People who abruptly leave you in the dust for any of these reasons could be doing you a tremendous favor by showing you who they really are. Of course, maybe you need to work on recognizing such users earlier or not jump into a relationship too quickly. But don't be too hard on yourself, because you probably didn't lose a whole lot in losing a relationship so abruptly. If there wasn't much rocking first, the relationship may not have been solid as a rock in the first place.