After Infidelity: Can You Forgive?

Forgiveness releases the betrayed person from soul-destroying resentment.

Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano

Infidelity in a long-term romantic relationship is among the longest-lasting and most emotionally devastating forms of hurt that any person can experience. In fact, research tells us that betrayed spouses often experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) related to their partner’s cheating.[i] Sadly, the symptoms can be exacerbated by memories of unrelated betrayals, causing betrayed partners to feel as if their entire life is imploding on them.

Unfortunately, while betrayed spouses are experiencing the overwhelming pain of both recent and earlier betrayals, their cheating partner is likely saying something along the lines of: “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I promise I’ll never do it again, so please forgive me.” But the feelings of betrayal are so deep and so hurtful that forgiveness can feel impossible.

Nevertheless, if they hope to fully (or at least mostly) heal from the pain of being cheated on, betrayed partners do eventually need to forgive. There are two primary reasons:

• Personal Healing: Until you forgive, you will carry pain and anger related to your partner’s betrayal in your mind, heart, and body, and you will struggle to find safety and contentment in any of your relationships.
• Emotional Freedom: If you do not release the resentments related to the cheating, the betrayal will live under the surface and stop you from fully trusting anyone ever again. Without forgiveness, the anger and pain of betrayal will forever own a piece of your soul.

Admittedly, forgiveness is not something most betrayed partners are able to engage in right away. Before they can forgive, they must set and enforce healthy boundaries to prevent further hurt, find emotional support from someone other than their cheating partner, and grieve the loss of the relationship they thought they had, among other tasks. Eventually, though, the time for forgiveness arrives.

The Process of Forgiveness

It is important to understand that forgiveness is not a single act but a process that unfolds in five basic stages.

• Stage 1: Recognition. In this stage, betrayed partners must acknowledge the hurt or harm that has been inflicted. This often occurs in tandem with the final stage of the grief process: acceptance. To achieve recognition, you must face the pain, understand its impact on your life, and recognize the emotions associated with it. Recognition is crucial because it lays the foundation for the entire forgiveness process. Until you acknowledge the hurt, it is impossible to move forward.
• Stage 2: Responsibility. Taking responsibility does not mean that you blame yourself for the betrayal. Rather, it means taking responsibility for your own healing. With responsibility, you come to understand that while you did not cause and cannot change what happened, you have control over how you respond to it. This stage is about empowering yourself to take charge of your emotional well-being.
• Stage 3: Release. This stage is about letting go of the negative emotions associated with the betrayal. This does not mean forgetting about or condoning the behavior. This is instead where you choose to release the hold that the betrayal has on you. This can be the most challenging stage of forgiveness because it requires a conscious decision to move on. This is also the stage where betrayed partners notice the process of forgiveness making a difference in their lives, because this is when they start to find peace.
• Stage 4: Rebuilding. After you release the pain of betrayal, you can work on rebuilding your life and relationships. In this stage, you develop emotional resilience and, if possible and desired, you work on repairing your damaged relationship. You may need to revisit boundaries to help you begin to trust your partner again. Conversely, you may find that you do not wish to rebuild with your partner. If so, this stage is about moving on without reconciling.
• Stage 5: Renewal. With this stage of forgiveness, betrayed partners experience a new beginning. They integrate the lessons learned from the experience of betrayal and find that they are both stronger and more compassionate. At this point, it is easy to see the value in forgiveness, as it has helped you move through the pain you were carrying.

Moving Forward

The process of forgiveness is incredibly useful for betrayed partners who feel stuck in the emotional pain and ongoing mistrust engendered by infidelity. Until they forgive, they will struggle to become unstuck and to move forward with or without the partner who betrayed them.

Yes, your cheating partner is probably asking for forgiveness so that they can feel better, but that is not why you should work toward forgiving. Forgiveness is for your benefit, rather than for the person who wronged you. If you’ve been betrayed, you need to eventually find forgiveness so you can move on from the hurt.

Understanding and practicing forgiveness is a crucial component of personal growth, emotional healing, and healthy relationships (that might or might not involve your cheating partner). Without forgiveness, the pain and anger of betrayal will continue to affect your emotional and relational health. By working through thr process, you’ll be able to find peace, healing, and, ultimately, freedom from the hold of past betrayals.