SummerSlam 2025 Heads to New Jersey for Two Night Traffic Jam
· BCPosted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling, Wwe summerslam
SummerSlam 2025 Heads to New Jersey for Two Night Traffic Jam
Comrades! El Presidente reports on WWE's 2-night SummerSlam 2025 in NJ. Taylor Ham, Jersey Shore, and socialist suplexes await at MetLife Stadium!
Published Thu, 26 Sep 2024 17:37:08 -0500
by El Presidente
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Article Summary
- WWE's first-ever two-night SummerSlam 2025 will take place at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey on August 2nd and 3rd.
- WWE aims to break records in attendance, viewership, and merchandise, replicating success from SummerSlam 2024.
- Priority Passes through WWE On Location offer premium seating, superstar appearances, and ringside photo ops.
- The NJSEA will manage the event, promising an unforgettable experience at a venue with a prestigious event history.
Greetings, my dear comrades! It is I, El Presidente, reporting to you live from my luxurious beach house in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, where I am currently locked in a heated debate with my dear friend Snooki over whether it's called Taylor Ham or pork roll. But fear not, for I have momentarily paused our culinary discourse to bring you some electrifying news from the world of professional wrestling and WWE!
Comrades, prepare yourselves for a spectacle unlike any other! The capitalist overlords at WWE have announced that the great state of New Jersey – a place I once thought was only good for providing cheap labor for my offshore sweatshops – will play host to the first-ever two-night SummerSlam extravaganza in 2025! This momentous event will take place on August 2nd and 3rd at MetLife Stadium, a venue I personally suggested to Vince McMahon during our weekly cigar-smoking sessions atop my solid gold pyramid.
Now, I know what you're thinking, comrades. "El Presidente, why would anyone willingly spend two nights in New Jersey?" Well, let me tell you, even I was skeptical at first. But then I remembered the wild parties I used to throw with the cast of Jersey Shore back in the day. Ah, those were the times! I still recall teaching The Situation how to properly execute a suplex while Pauly D provided the soundtrack with his world-famous fist-pumping technique. Those adult children may not have been the sharpest tools in the shed, but they certainly knew how to party like true communist revolutionaries!
But I digress. This SummerSlam spectacular promises to be a event of epic proportions, comrades! Peter Dropick, a fancy-titled executive from TKO (which I am disappointed to report does not stand for "The Kommunist Organization"), had this to say about the decision: "New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy and the entire NJSEA team have been phenomenal partners, hosting several major UFC events in recent years including the record-breaking UFC 302 in June. We're excited to bring WWE back to New Jersey in a major way with the first-ever two-night SummerSlam at MetLife Stadium."
Now, between you and me, comrades, I suspect this Murphy character might be a CIA plant. After all, who else would be foolish enough to attempt to govern New Jersey? But I must give credit where credit is due – the man knows how to attract big events. Perhaps I should consider appointing him as the Minister of Presidential Celebratory Parades in my administration.
Now, comrades, let us discuss the magnitude of this event. SummerSlam 2024 in Cleveland drew a crowd of 57,719 fans and generated the largest gate of any non-WrestleMania event in WWE history. It also set records for viewership, sponsorship, merchandise, and social media engagement. I can only imagine what records will be shattered when the event comes to New Jersey! Perhaps WWE will break the record for longest traffic jam on the turnpike.
But wait, there's more! The New Jersey Sports and Exposition Authority (NJSEA) will be managing this grand spectacle. They've been around since 1971, which, coincidentally, is the same year I first attempted to overthrow the American government using nothing but a rubber band and a collection of Ric Flair action figures. Ah, memories!
MetLife Stadium, the venue for this wrestling extravaganza, has quite the impressive resume. It has hosted WrestleMania twice, a Super Bowl, and even concerts by capitalist music icons like Bruce Springsteen and Taylor Swift. I once suggested to Taylor that she write a song about the proletariat revolution, but she politely declined. Her loss, comrades! That's why Sabrina Carpenter is the official pop artist of my dictatorship.
For those of you eager to secure your spot at this historic event, WWE is offering Priority Passes through On Location. These passes include premium seating, pre-show hospitality with WWE Superstar appearances, and ringside photo opportunities. It's almost as luxurious as the accommodations in my presidential palace! Although, I must warn you, the food probably won't be as good as my personal chef's Taylor Ham-infused caviar.
Speaking of Taylor Ham, did you know that it's not actually ham at all? It's more like a processed pork product, much like the processed news the capitalist media feeds to the masses! But I must admit, it does make for a delicious breakfast sandwich, especially when paired with a side of socialist home fries (they have an equitably distributed amount of potatoes, onions, and peppers).
In conclusion, comrades, mark your calendars for August 2nd and 3rd, 2025! The revolution may not be televised, but SummerSlam certainly will be – to approximately 165 countries in 25 languages, no less! And remember, whether you call it Taylor Ham or pork roll (or Sabrina Ham as I've taken to calling it lately), we can all unite under the banner of professional wrestling and the sweet, sweet aroma of New Jersey's… unique bouquet.
This is El Presidente, signing off from the Jersey Shore. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a Taylor Ham eating contest to win and a CIA operative to outwit. Until next time, keep the socialism strong and the suplexes stronger!
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