One Direction Fans Struggle With ‘Complicated Feelings’ While Grieving Liam Payne: ‘I Wished for Him to Get Better and Make Amends’

When the news broke on Oct. 16 that former One Direction member Liam Payne had died, the overwhelming reaction — from both casual observers and longtime fans of the multiplatinum-selling boy band — was disbelief.

The circumstances around Payne’s death were even more shocking: Just 31 years old, the singer fell from a third-floor balcony at a Buenos Aires hotel after police were called regarding “an aggressive man who could be under the effects of drugs and alcohol,” local authorities said.

“For the first 20 minutes, I didn’t believe it at all,” says 21-year-old Lara Pinto, a political science student in Belgium who joined X as a young teenager to start a One Direction fan account. “I was like, ‘No, this is a hoax — there’s no way.’”

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Floortje Jansen, 26, a fan from the Netherlands who has had an X profile dedicated to the band since she was 13, says her “stomach dropped” when she saw the news.

“I literally woke up my parents and started crying — I felt like a 16-year-old,” she says. “It broke something in me that I think will never, ever heal completely.”

Abby Pachai, a 28-year-old from Ontario, Canada, was a hardcore member of the fandom as a teen and immediately logged on to X to see what her old friends were saying.

“The more I read, the more I started thinking about the state that Liam’s been in recently,” she said, referring to reports of Payne’s mental health and substance abuse issues, “and it did start to make sense.”

It’s no secret that Payne grappled with addiction during his years with One Direction and following the band’s breakup in 2016. When the group was at its commercial peak in the early 2010s — becoming one of the bestselling boy bands of all time — he disclosed that he started drinking heavily by himself in hotel rooms while on tour, and struggled with suicidal thoughts. But in July 2023, he revealed that he had spent 100 days in rehab and was six months sober.

However, allegations arose in recent months from his ex-fiancé, Maya Henry. In April, she published a fictional book — about a model who dates a pop star — that she said was inspired by true events. In the book, the protagonist undergoes an abortion at the demand of her partner, and in one harrowing scene, he threatens to jump off a balcony while under the influence of drugs. Just a few days before Payne’s death, Henry alleged on the “Internet Is Dead” podcast that he was still repeatedly contacting her. On Oct. 14, it was reported that Henry had filed a cease-and-desist order against Payne.

The events surrounding Payne’s death have brought up “complicated feelings” for Pinto and other fans. “When those abuse allegations came out, I obviously felt disgusted and very disheartened, because it’s a person that you look up to,” Pinto says.

Sarah Smits, a 24-year-old Belgian fan, witnessed people on social media placing blame on Henry immediately after Payne’s death. “No one should be sending her hate or death threats,” she says. “She’s allowed to have her side of the story, and I’m sure she’s also hurting with all of this because they spent so many years together.”

Pachai believes an important component of this “nuanced conversation” is that Payne was just 16 when he became a superstar. “From my perspective, it is an example of a child star who couldn’t find their footing after fame,” she says. “If anyone’s to blame, it’s the industry and the way we take what we want from artists and then just leave them.”

After One Direction broke up, Payne had trouble gaining traction as a solo artist, especially in comparison with the success of fellow bandmates Niall Horan and particularly Harry Styles. “He was really relying on the One Direction nostalgia, and that keeps you stuck in a certain era of your life,” Pachai suggests.

At an emotional public memorial for Payne in London’s Hyde Park on Sunday, 24-year-old Jordi McMahon said through tears, “I think because I struggle with my own mental health, I just felt like I could see what he was thinking and what he was going through.”

Jansen also spoke for many fans who say that it feels as if a part of their childhood is gone. “I wished for him to get better and to make amends,” she says. “I’m crying for 13-year-old me, I’m crying for 26-year-old me, and all these feelings can coexist.”

Directioners have found comfort in each other, with memorials being staged in major cities around the world. Jansen stresses, “A lot of people do not understand how big the One Direction community is, and how much it has impacted so many lives.”

That sentiment was evident at the London gathering, where nearly a thousand fans converged to leave flowers, heart-shaped balloons and letters beneath a statue of Peter Pan — the boy who never grew up.

“I think we can hold space for both grief for the version [of Liam] that we knew and the youthful magic of that time,” Pachai says, “and also this very harsh reality that people aren’t perfect and nothing is ever as sparkly as you think it is.”