Adverse Childhood Experiences and the Agony of Perfectionism

There's a better way to achieve your goals than perfectionism.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• The rigid pursuit of perfection poses a high risk to health and performance.
• A kinder, more flexible approach to pursuing high standards leads to better health and performance.
• Perfectionism, which is motivated by fear and self-doubt, is often rooted in adverse childhood experiences.

Adverse childhood experiences, including child/caregiver attachment disruptions, frequently lead to damaged self-esteem, with its feeling of not being good enough. In adulthood, this can play out in many ways, such as the imposter syndrome and the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, which we’ve previously described. This post explores a third response to the painful insecurity of damaged self-esteem—perfectionism—as contrasted to excellencism.

As Emamzadeb (2024) noted, “perfectionism can be defined as setting, working toward, and becoming preoccupied with idealized goals that are unrealistically ambitious… Excellencism, on the other hand, can be defined as a tendency to strive toward high yet attainable standards in a determined yet flexible way.” These different approaches to pursuing personal goals have very different effects on life satisfaction and achievements.

Perfectionism

Perfectionists think that doggedly striving to perform flawlessly will help them get ahead. So, they are often extremely dedicated and conscientious at work. However, they tend to doubt themselves and their abilities, feel dissatisfied with their efforts, and overreact to mistakes. Their tendency to overwork often interferes with relationships, sleep, exercise, and satisfying recreational activities.

Their relentless, joyless striving actually sets them up for poorer performance, burnout, workaholism, and a range of stress-related psychological maladjustments, such as depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse, and even suicidal tendencies.

Perfectionists lack self-compassion and have difficulty tolerating their own imperfections. They become harshly self-critical when they fail to meet their excessively high standards. They can also strain relationships when they project their perfectionistic demands on others.

Fear drives much of the perfectionists’ behavior. They fear falling short of their expectations, making mistakes, and being unfavorably judged by others. These fears often lead to procrastinating, constantly redoing their work in attempts to get it just right, failing to turn work in fearing it’s not good enough, or excessively seeking approval from others.

The roots of perfectionism can often be traced to childhood. Perfectionists might have had highly critical or rejecting caregivers who made them feel inadequate, or who made love conditional on performance. In other cases, caregivers might have transmitted anxiety over making mistakes.

Common perfectionistic thought patterns typically develop in childhood, such as these:

1. My worth equals my work. Therefore, I must perform flawlessly.
2. People will only love me if I perform perfectly.
3. It’s awful to make mistakes.
4. My work is either perfect, or I am a loser.
5. Failures are evidence that I’m bad.
6. I should have done better.

Excellencism

People who strive for excellence can be just as ambitious as perfectionists in pursuing high personal standards. But they are motivated, and pursue their high standards, differently. They are motivated by secure, unconditional love, patience, kindness, and the joy of growing. They accept their imperfections and allow themselves to make mistakes while striving to learn and grow from their mistakes.

Unlike perfectionists, they are satisfied with excellent efforts, without endlessly striving to be flawless. Their realistic goal is to be a competent person, as opposed to a perfect person. Ironically, because they are less stressed, they tend to actually perform better and achieve more than perfectionists in the short term, and make more progress toward their personal goals and personal growth in the long term.

Unsurprisingly, those who aim for excellence are higher in life satisfaction, lower in depression and other psychological symptoms, and are less likely to feel like an imposter compared to perfectionists. Thus, many researchers have concluded that perfectionism is neither necessary nor helpful to people wishing to perform well and achieve personal growth.

Solutions

Here are some ways to change perfectionism to excellencism:

1. Practice “failing.” Florida State University researcher Sarah Redden and colleagues (2022) theorized that concern over making mistakes is at the heart of perfectionism. They told research participants that they were to practice making mistakes through exposure over a two-week period to online tasks in which they repeatedly made mistakes. With repeated practice, they realized that mistakes were not as horrible as they’d assumed. Over time, the participants lowered their levels of perfectionism, concern over making mistakes, depression, and social anxiety. Thus, you might look for opportunities to make mistakes, with a matter-of-fact attitude: “What’s the big deal if I make a mistake?” Life can be much more enjoyable when we release attachment to expected outcomes and focus on enjoying the process.
2. Cultivate self-compassion. Practice being kind with your mistakes. Instead of harshly criticizing yourself for imperfect results, take a moment to take a breath and repeat aloud or to yourself: “This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I bring kindness to this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need.” (Neff, 2022). Do this often until kindness toward yourself becomes a habit.
3. Cultivate a sense of humor. Over-seriousness is a hallmark of mental disorders. We have to laugh at ourselves because we all do ridiculous things at times.
4. Remind yourself where your worth comes from. Worth as a person is given at birth, which comes along with unlimited potential. Performance neither adds to nor detracts from inner worth as a person. Personal growth and achievement help us enjoy our worth—and improve life satisfaction—so it is good to have goals to shoot for. Set achievable goals, enjoy your progress, but separate your worth from the outcome.
5. Limit social media. This creates pressure to achieve unrealistic goals.
6. Set goals for rejuvenation to offset burnout. Make a written plan for regular recreation, sleep, and exercise so that work doesn’t get you out of balance.
7. Redefine success. Arguably the greatest coach in men’s athletics, John Wooden, defined success as the satisfaction in knowing that you’ve done your best, not the outcome or what the scoreboard says. Determine to value yourself no matter the outcome. Love is a much more effective motivator than fear.
8. Pursue your goals with joy, not guilt. There is no shame in trying and coming up short. This is what imperfect people do as we learn to improve.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.