Captivated by Love, Yet Confined by the Walls of Perfection

Shattering unrealistic expectations to redefine relationship satisfaction.

Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer, Ph.D.

Key points

• Perfectionism gives us tunnel vision, making us blind to individuality and diversity.
• Pursuing idealized relationships can lead to disappointment because they are based on unattainable standards.
• New experiences can help expand our worldview by shattering limiting perspectives rooted in perfectionism.
• Relationship missteps are learning opportunities that lead to greater emotional insight and wisdom.

Are you haunted by the ghost of a relationship that never existed? Despite repeatedly being told that no relationship is perfect, we continue to chase after a fantasy rather than grounding ourselves in actuality.

So, how do we approach dating without losing sight of our values? Dating can be unpredictable and messy because there is no roadmap for navigating relationships. As a result, we become paralyzed by ambiguity and adopt a perfectionistic mindset to help sort through this uncertainty. What we fail to realize is that perfection is not a solution; instead, it temporarily satisfies our need for control.

The Dimensions of Perfectionism

So, how does perfectionism influence our relationships? Perfectionism robs us of opportunities and leaves us feeling powerless and dissatisfied in our relationships.

Hewitt and Flett’s (1991) Model of Perfectionism describes two main dimensions of perfectionism:

1. Self-Oriented Perfectionism: This class of perfectionism is found in individuals who use self-regulation to meet their exceptionally high personal standards. According to Stoeber, Feast, and Hayward (2009), self-oriented perfectionism is often associated with adaptive traits such as internal motivation and discipline. However, when personal expectations are left unsatisfied, self-oriented perfectionists are likely to experience heightened levels of anxiety and depression (Hewitt & Flett, 1991).

A self-oriented perfectionist may never be fully satisfied in a relationship because they experience difficulty accepting their shortcomings. Further, when self-oriented perfectionists project their insecurities and expectations onto their partners, it strains the relationship.

2. Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: According to Hewitt and Flett (1991), socially prescribed perfectionists are externally motivated because they fear they will be met with criticism from others if they cannot meet certain expectations. This type of pressure can cause one to feel apprehensive, ultimately increasing the risk of depression (Hewitt & Flett, 1991).

Socially prescribed perfectionists may face difficulties making positive strides in their relationships because they fear being criticized by their partners. This demonstrates how perfection can damage relationships, leaving individuals paralyzed by unrealistic standards and fearful of disapproval.

How Social Media Drives Us to Pursue Superficial Relationships

Have you ever mindlessly scrolled through social media only to feel empty and dissatisfied with your life? Social media can lead us down rabbit holes and distort our perceptions of happiness. When we spend too much time on our phones, we start to compare every aspect of our lives to the perfectly curated relationship content we see on social media. This fabricated reality fuels our desire for perfection and pushes us to seek out superficial relationships.

Are We Rejecting Authenticity in Pursuit of Perfection?

In pursuing the perfect relationship, we abandon the most authentic parts of our identities to feel worthy of the ideal partner. When we make decisions based on perfectionism, our priorities shift, and our moral boundaries blur. We start to question our natural inclinations and lose sight of our values because our internal compass is rerouted in the direction of perfection.

Perfectionism Depersonalizes Dating and Prevents Us from Securing Authentic Relationships

Dating is a process of self-exploration that gives us insight into our desires, needs, and preferences. When individuals project perfectionistic standards and tendencies onto their relationships, dating can start to feel depersonalized and monotonous.

If we approach dating with a perfectionistic mindset, we are bound to the walls of perfectionism, turning away any relationship that does not fit our cookie-cutter mold. Under a perfectionistic lens, individuals avoid exploring potential relationships because they allow their fear of external criticism to consume them. As a result, they miss out on experiences that can lead to enhanced personal growth.

Experiences add dimension to our worlds and help us relate to others. If we approach dating through an experiential lens, we can advance our relationships by opening ourselves up to new experiences. In an experiential learning approach, we are guided by our intuition and natural curiosity.

When we address dating through this approach, we take on relationship opportunities that shape our prospective thoughts and behaviors. Experiences lead to reflection, self-improvement, and the exchange of ideas; they expand our worldview and help us advance toward relationships with patience and acceptance.

Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism and Establishing Stable Relationships

1. Pursue Intention Over Impulsivity

When we cannot secure the future of a relationship, we become fearful of losing our partners; as a result, we act impulsively. Mindfulness is our greatest weapon against impulsivity. Kappen et al. (2018) investigated the link between mindfulness and partner acceptance, which was defined by an individual's willingness to accept their partner’s imperfections. According to Kappen et al. (2018), research suggests that mindfulness is related to partner acceptance and relationship satisfaction.

If we can train ourselves to use mindfulness to process situations, we can be proactive instead of reactive. By being proactive, we can combat instant gratification with intentionality. Setting an intention means basing decisions on our values and long-term goals. We can work to enhance relationship satisfaction by making relationship decisions that align with our values, rather than fantasies of perfection.

2. Embrace Perspectives That Challenge your Worldview

As humans, we possess distinct perspectives of the world because we have endured unique life experiences. Think of your life as though you are looking through a kaleidoscope. Each new interaction or experience shifts the lens, changing how we view the world.

Under a perfectionistic lens, there is little tolerance for embracing individuality. However, when we approach dating with a receptive mindset, we start interacting with individuals who challenge our personal perspectives. This opens our minds to new opportunities and allows us to see the world through a new lens. If we quit romanticizing a relationship that does not exist, we can increase the odds of securing a wholesome relationship.

3. Ditch the Future Focused Mindset By Grounding Yourself in the Present

A perfectionist is constantly fantasizing about the future. A future-focused mindset leaves us feeling detached and disconnected from our relationships. To achieve balance and stability, we must anchor relationships in the present. Try to pull focus to the day-to-day experiences and conversations shared with your partner, as this becomes the bedrock of your relationship. This foundation will create the framework needed to build a stable emotional bond with your partner.

4. Reconstruct Your Reality to Liberate Yourself From a Perfectionistic Mindset

Perfectionism shows up when we fail to accept our present selves. We submit to a perfectionistic mindset because it gives us hope for securing a more promising relationship. When we quit chasing after perfection, we can reinvest this time and energy into self-acceptance and exploring what makes us happy.

Deviating from a perfectionistic perspective can open our world to new connections and opportunities. Ultimately, we choose how we live our lives. Our lives consist of the people and things we choose to pay attention to. To shift our perspectives, we must start by changing how we think and speak about ourselves. Words are powerful, and how we describe our world will significantly impact our moods and relationships.

Perfectionism preys on individuals who lack a secure sense of self. You must build confidence and cultivate high self-regard to liberate yourself from a perfectionistic mindset.

Takeaway

Perfectionism can act as a direct threat to our relationships. It can lead to anxiety, dissatisfaction, and self-doubt. When we know who we are and what we stand for, we won’t fall victim to chasing after perfection. Once we learn to accept ourselves and embrace our imperfections, we can start to navigate relationships confidently.