How Perceived Power Promotes Extra-Relational Flirting

The link between self-esteem and desire for romantic alternatives.

Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

Key points

• Power creates confidence in the ability to attract potential paramours.
• A perception of high relationship power is linked with interest in romantic alternatives.
• Regarding power dynamics, the most successful relationships operate on a level playing field.

It is well known that powerful people enjoy dating success. Whether measured by self-confidence, social reputation, or sheer number of dates, what is considered less often, is how that type of success complicates the quality of committed relationships. If perceived power operates within an exclusive romantic partnership to fuel desire to explore relational alternatives, the result can be disastrous for both parties. Research corroborates this concern.

The Perils of Power

Gurit E. Birnbaum et al. (2024) in a piece entitled “The Power to Flirt” investigated the impact of perceived power on extra-relational desire.[i] They began by acknowledging that within non-romantic contexts, power creates confidence in the ability to attract potential paramours, which in turn boosts motivation for mating and the likelihood to behave accordingly. Birnbaum et al. sought to explore whether perceptions of power within romantic relationships would similarly spark a desire for relational alternatives.

Sure enough, Birnbaum et al. found that a perception of high relationship power was linked with a higher level of interest in romantic alternatives. They attribute this association to perceived relative mate value, suggesting that extra-relational interest is due not only to power perceptions but also to believing that one has a higher mate value than one’s partner.

The researchers explain that perceiving power may cause someone to feel entitled and confident, and behave more impulsively. They note that power-induced self-assurance is often expressed through romantic and sexual behavior. Power creates confidence in an ability to attract potential paramours, which can fuel mating motivation. When this type of motivation exists, Birnbaum et al. note it can create more preoccupation with sexual thoughts and even engaging in sexualized conduct towards others, including subordinates.

Relational Satisfaction on an Even Playing Field

The researchers note that although relationships of power imbalance may have some positive outcomes, equal power partners usually enjoy more relational success. They describe their research as adding to this foundation, demonstrating how having a high degree of perceived relationship power can “disrupt the intimate sphere, unleashing a desire for alternative partners.”

As a practical matter, because quality relationships are founded on mutual respect, care, consideration, compassion, and trust, partners in relationships with unequal power dynamics often feel less content and satisfied. Due to the state of current research, this may very well stem from the way a powerful partner acts and behaves, in addition to how he or she is treated in other settings, social and professional.

Because relationships flourish when both partners feel valued, special, and desirable, the most successful relationships operate on a level playing field.