The Pitfalls of Power and Control

The importance of recognizing early-stage relationship red flags.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• Strong relationships and social connections are key to our long-term health and happiness.
• It is important to build awareness around the early warning signs of potential controlling behaviours.
• Recognizing red flags in the early stages of a relationship is key to protecting ourselves from hurt and harm.

We are social animals. Our relationships matter. Research shows that healthy relationships and strong social connections are the cornerstone of longevity, physical health, and psychological well-being. When we enjoy close, healthy relationships, we are less likely to suffer from depression. What’s more, isolation negatively impacts our physical and mental health and well-being in many ways.

Building healthy relationships

We invest a great deal of time, care, and attention in building healthy romantic relationships, friendships, and relationships with work colleagues and family members. We open our hearts. We give new people in our lives the benefit of the doubt, and we take time to get to know a new person and, over time, let them into our lives.

Many factors contribute to healthy relationships. In a 2023 post, "5 Essential Ingredients of Lasting and Healthy Relationships," author Stephen J. Betchen, D.S.W, listed trust, knowing what we want, and a willingness to take responsibility for our behavior among the ingredients of building healthy and lasting relationships.

What healthy relationships share

While not all healthy relationships look or feel alike, they share certain attributes in common, including companionship, support, opportunities to learn and grow, and a safe space where we can be our authentic selves and share our thoughts, feelings, challenges, and victories. In our healthy relationships, we feel safe to be ourselves. We feel respected, heard, seen, and understood. Our friends, partners, colleagues, and family members respect our boundaries, as we respect theirs.

Early warning signs of trouble

Because our relationships matter, it is important that we build our awareness of the warning signs that a new friend, colleague, or romantic partner may be seeking to control us, rather than build a healthy and mutually respectful relationship over time.

Not all manipulators are the same. Some people seek to attain a moderate degree of control in their relationships. Others aim to dominate or—in extreme cases—engage in coercive control (often referred to as gaslighting) over an extended period of time.

People who seek to control rather than engage in healthy relationship dynamics often suffer from low self-esteem. They feel incapable of engaging in a mutually respectful friendship and seek to attain a sense of control of the world around them through manipulation. Often these tactics are the result of their blueprints and role models from early childhood. They seem to seek out and exploit the good nature and vulnerabilities of others … often without awareness.

Recognizing the signs of someone who seeks to exert control over us in the early stages of a relationship is key to protecting ourselves from the prolonged and worsening emotional, social, physical, and psychological hurt and harm of a controlling person.

We’re not meant to live in doubt and fear. We’re here to live our lives authentically and to engage in relationships that help keep us healthy, happy, and whole.

Get to know the early signs of control in a relationship

Watch for tactics and behaviors at the start of a relationship. Question situations that make you uncomfortable. Talk about your feelings. Communicate and reinforce healthy boundaries to help stop controlling behaviors. Major red flags include the following:

• Moving too fast: Acknowledge when a new friendship feels overly familiar too soon or a new romantic partner engages in love-bombing behaviors that seem forced and inauthentic, and leave you feeling smothered or "swept off your feet." Manipulative behaviors include over-attentiveness, lavish gift-giving or spending, showering with praise, over-engaging in communication, and other aggressive behaviors that seem like too much too soon and make you uncomfortable.
• Attempting to monopolize your time: When a friend or romantic partner isolates you or places unrealistic demands on your time, it can be a sign of trouble. Rather than assume the worst, try to have an honest conversation about your boundaries and time. By communicating and enforcing healthy boundaries early on, you are modeling healthy behaviors and signaling that you are unwilling to be manipulated.
• Manipulating through compliments: Receiving compliments and flattery can feel great. The downside of praise and compliments—especially when they feel disingenuous and undeserved—is that we can come to rely on them to feel attractive, desirable, interesting, or worthy. A controlling person knows when to give compliments and when to withhold them to get what they want.
• Shaming and blaming: When a new friend or romantic partner blames you for making them feel unappreciated, ignored, or judged, or when they shame you for spending time apart, pursuing other interests, or defending your boundaries, it’s a sign that there are control issues in play. This new person in your life may be struggling with feelings of low self-worth and an over-reliance on others to meet their emotional needs.
• Placing responsibility for their feelings on you: Often, a manipulative person with low self-esteem attempts to gain a sense of control by blaming you for their feelings of low self-worth and self-love.