How to Parent Through Grief

A Personal Perspective: Parents need tools to navigate parenting while grieving.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• Open communication is critical.
• Children need reassurance and safety.
• Together is always better.

This post is Part 2 of a series. Part 1 can be found here.

Death and grief are often uncomfortable topics in American culture. As a result, many people are ill-equipped to cope with loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a career, or the dissolution of a friendship. When my brother passed, I mourned his loss and the loss of the life I had known. I did it largely alone, even though I come from a big family. I have 10 siblings and both of my parents.

Parenting does not end when tragedy strikes. There are ways to parent through grief that can be healing to both parents and children instead of traumatizing. My desire is that we stop only providing advice to parents on how to manage temper tantrums and provide them with clarity for the things that happen that bring us to our knees. Suffering in silence should be a relic of the past that no one is eager to resurrect. Being “fine” is not enough. Caregivers have a fundamental role in determining how children grieve. These are the four things I wish my parents understood when tragedy visited our house:

1. Communicate Openly and Honestly

As a child, I felt responsible for my parents’ pain. This is a common reaction. Children often try to shield their parents from additional suffering, which can prevent them from processing their own grief. I felt like I couldn’t burden anyone with my sadness, which made it impossible for me to grieve in a healthy way. Honest, age-appropriate conversations about my brother’s death would have helped us all. I wish we had been able to come together as a family to share our feelings and comfort each other. Instead, we grieved separately, or not at all, and even now, 27 years later, the topic still feels taboo. Seeing my parents talk openly about my brother’s death would have given me language to address my own feelings.

2. Take Time to Remember

I cherish the memory of my 12th birthday, a year and a half before my brother passed away. My parents were preoccupied with his health and hospital bills, so my birthday did not make the list of immediate needs. I was heartbroken. I was looking forward to my birthday and woke up excited only to find that there would be no celebration this year. My brother stepped in. He rushed out, bought me a cake and birthday card and put some money in it, and we had our own celebration. I look back on this memory of him fondly.

I wish we could have taken the time to remember him together. Remembering the ways he impacted us individually could have provided me with even more memories of him. I am sure he did so many things for my other siblings and even my parents that could have helped me feel close to him even though he was no longer with us. Taking time to remember gets rid of the secrecy that can stifle healing. I was afraid to talk about what I remembered for fear that it would traumatize others. I suspect the opposite may have been true.

3. Seek Out Safe Spaces to Address Grief

My parents needed support so that they could support us. They had lost a child, an unimaginable pain, yet they tried to carry on without seeking help. My parents deserved the opportunity to be frustrated, angry, sad, and broken. They loved children—thus, the large number of us. They were good to us. They deserved better. My parents attempted to be fine, but they needed to grieve. They didn’t get that support, and I watched them attempt to move on without addressing their needs. My mother would be fine one moment singing and worshipping God, then crying uncontrollably, but never really getting help or processing her pain.

I wanted more for my parents and want more for all parents. I wish they had reached out for help, whether through friends, professional counseling, or support groups. Parents are allowed to grieve. Sorrow and pain are a part of life and parents play an integral part in helping future generations learn to cope in healthy ways (Kaplow 2012).

4. Reassure Children

My mother had and still has the type of hugs that can heal a nation. I still feel safest in her arms. I needed her to hug me and tell me that she knows this is hard, but we would get through this together. Because my mother and father were in so much pain, it was hard for them to be present with my pain when I needed them most. Children often feel lost and confused after a tragedy, struggling to make sense of what has happened and how life will change. These feelings can be overwhelming. A parent’s reassurance—through both words and actions—is the anchor that can help a child feel secure again. Maintaining routines and providing physical connection as well as emotional support are all ways to reassure children and help them heal. Reassurance isn't about pretending everything is OK—it’s about acknowledging the pain and facing it together.

Parenting while grieving can seem like oil and water. Parenting is a sacrificial task while grieving requires being cared for. These four steps can help foster healing for parents and children. It would be nice if suffering didn’t exist, but it is a reality for all of us; therefore, we need to include grieving in our parenting as we navigate that suffering. We can do this!