The Problem With Modern Day Sex and Love Trends

How movements like "boysober" and "the ick" harm our ability to connect.

Reviewed by Devon Frye

Key points

• Trends like "boysober" and "the ick" could promote avoidance, stifling emotional and sexual intimacy.
• Rising anxiety and loneliness mirror declines in relationships.
• Despite more open sexual norms, many in younger generations still crave traditional forms of romance.
• Emotional and sexual intimacy brings growth and joy, yet it's often neglected today.

Phrases like "boysober," "the ick," and "celibacy era" are increasingly creeping into the modern-day lexicon. They often do so under the guise of promising better well-being, and for women especially, a springboard from which they can reclaim sexual autonomy. Often, they are working their way into the collective psyche against the backdrop of a culture obsessed with self-care.

As a seasoned sex and relationship therapist, I fear these movements often do more harm than good.

Some trends, like “the ick,” seem to me to encourage people—usually women—to deliberately look for things in potential partners—usually men—that turn them off. These women might compile “ick” lists that include innocuous things like doggy paddling in water, showing their ankles, or taking naps.

Going “boysober” or entering into a “celibacy era," which involves committing to a (usually) long period of sexual and romantic abstinence, is lauded as a time for personal reflection and self-improvement. Yet by sidelining sexual intimacy altogether, we may be neglecting what is a fundamental aspect of the human experience for most people (though of course not all).

In the last 20 years, sexual frequency has declined, and many young adults have never even had a serious romantic relationship. Meanwhile, rates of anxiety and depression have climbed, especially among younger generations. Some research suggests there is likely a bidirectional link, meaning as sexual frequency has declined, anxiety has increased; this increase in anxiety, in turn, has likely further contributed to a decline in sex.^1-2

According to a recent data collected by the Kinsey Institute and the dating app Feeld, nearly half of respondents who identified as Gen Z were single, compared to only one-fifth of Millennial respondents. According to the report, Gen Z respondents, despite reporting the most expansive views on sexuality and embracing kink more than generations prior, also reported having sexual fantasies about romance and monogamy more than anything else.

I hold compassion for the sexual and romantic disconnect experienced by younger generations. Many of them came of age on social media before we understood how psychologically and relationally damaging it could be. Connecting with people online has, for some, inhibited the development of real-life relationship skills. The gamification of dating apps makes it easy to dump a love interest at the first sign of conflict because it is easy to swipe for a new hook-up. And despite the many good outcomes from the sex positivity movement, there are some anecdotal reports³ of people feeling left out or like prudes for longing for more traditional relationship structures or not embracing kink.

Our on-demand lifestyles, I believe, have made us ill-equipped to deal with painful emotions like anxiety or heartbreak. It’s easier than ever to trade in for something else. While we should never settle for unhealthy relationships, these trends could encourage a pattern of avoidance that stifles growth, intimacy, and meaningful connection.

Additionally, I think much of the information on mental health on social media has dramatized and sensationalized normal human emotions. Even some well-meaning therapists are quick to label others as "toxic" or recommend cutting people off rather than offering tools to navigate the inevitable difficulties that arise within all relationships. What seem like slight missteps can lead to major consequences when they rapidly spread online. Self-care is sometimes presented as the answer to all these woes—but at least anecdotally, most of the recommendations for self-care I see on social media focus on solo activities like meditation and journaling, rather than on fostering meaningful relationships.

Where does this all often leave us? Alone.

I argue that we must question whether current trends—from "the ick" to cutting people off at the earliest signs of conflict—genuinely foster well-being or if they inadvertently push us further away from the connections we crave. Rather than seeing relationships as opportunities to discover new parts of ourselves, have we instead created a culture where the prospect of deep emotional and sexual connection is met with trepidation?

When I step back and look at all the data—the fact that people are having less sex, avoiding romantic relationships, and feeling anxious, depressed, and lonely—I feel called to remind people that as much as we may try to fight it, humans are hardwired for love and connection. Throwing in the towel on love and sex isn’t the answer. Instead, we need to double down on our efforts to foster meaningful emotional and sexual intimacy.

We have robust, clear research on the many advantages of healthy romantic and sexual relationships for those who want them. Benefits include enhanced personal and relational well-being, better physical health, and greater well-being, emotional stability, and overall happiness.

In my new book, Anatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion, I implore people to break the harmful trends of disconnection and instead turn towards one another with a renewed sense of hope to revive both emotional and sexual passion in today’ modern world. Empowerment, joy, and even personal growth happen in connection, not in isolation.