6 Fixes for Your Relationship, Starting With Yourself

Regrettably, your own flaws may account for what’s taxing about your relationship.

Reviewed by Monica Vilhauer Ph.D.

Key points

• By scrutinizing past errors, you’ll improve the odds for healthier partner interactions in the present.
• Becoming better at nurturing yourself increases the odds you’ll expand this positive mindset to your partner.
• The way you communicate influences your ability to honestly express thoughts and feelings to your partner.
• A strong and healthy bond depends on trust and authenticity; being able to show vulnerability is pivotal.

Many years ago I read that even if your partner accounts for no less than 70 percent of what’s dysfunctional in your relationship, your own responsibility yet remains a significant 30 percent.

This post will make the same assumption. Regardless of how much you may blame your partner for your relationship’s problems, it makes sense to first investigate how much you yourself may have contributed to them.

At the least, your own growth and development, practically and morally, depends on recognizing how your own flaws may factor into what’s been difficult about your union—and possibly past unions as well. So lest you (glibly) let yourself totally off the hook, here are 6 things to consider.

1. Before moving forwards, focus backwards. That is, focus on your past conflicts and scrutinize, though nonjudgmentally, the mistakes you made in the adverse dynamics that characterized them. By analyzing past errors and vowing to devote greater awareness to them, you’ll improve the odds for healthier partner interactions in the future.

2. Concentrate on building a healthier relationship with yourself. Do you practice a non-narcissistic love of self, including self-compassion, caring, and sympathetic understanding? After all, becoming more self-reflective and proficient at nurturing yourself increases the likelihood you’ll expand this positive mindset to your partner.

3. Communicate clearly and effectively. Does the way you communicate demonstrate expertise in honestly expressing your feelings to your partner and invite their feedback? Undoubtedly, a warmer, more loving connection will continue to elude you if your communication keeps your partner at a distance, rendering true intimacy remote or impossible.

4. Get clear on your boundaries. Do you recognize your limits about just how emotionally available you want to be so you can adequately protect your boundaries? You’ll undermine your sense of well-being if, up till now, you’ve tolerated your partner violating them.

5. Be willing to display your vulnerability to others. This is a powerful part of establishing deep interpersonal connections. Such voluntary openness allows partners to more freely share their own true selves without having to be overly concerned about being rejected. A strong and healthy bond depends on trust and authenticity, and showing vulnerability is one of the best ways to achieve this.

6. Address deeper issues originating from past experiences. Frequently, these were traumatic at the time and may be beyond your grasp. In such cases it may be wise to seek professional help. Counseling or therapy can offer you the support and guidance requisite to successfully navigating these burdensome challenges.

To sum up, fixing yourself prior to pursuing, or repairing, a relationship involves a broad assortment of deliberations. Included among them are identifying and taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions, learning from your past errors and miscalculations and, when you’re unable to identify your blind spots, seeking professional help.

Ultimately, it makes little sense to give up on building a safe, secure relationship—or leaving it entirely—until you explore its potential once you eliminate what up till now has gotten in the way of its success.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

© 2024 Leon F. Seltzer, PhD. All Rights Reserved.