Dating Red Flags for Teens

Teaching teens to recognize toxic traits and build safe relationships.

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Key points

• For safety in relationships, we can teach teens to recognize red flags and trust their gut.
• It's important to understand traits of ASPD and NPD to help spot unhealthy behaviors early in relationships.
• How individuals name and present themselves, and how they treat others, reveals character and values.

In light of the recent assault and abuse allegations against rap mogul Sean Combs, we have an opportunity to reflect and teach our teens valuable lessons about trust, safety, and relationships. This troubling situation highlights crucial issues, especially for young people navigating the complexities of dating and meeting new people online or in person. It’s essential for parents to start conversations early about recognizing red flags and building healthy connections.

Trust the Gut

Trust is foundational in any relationship, starting from the very first swipe on a dating app or a chance meeting at school or a party. Without knowing someone well, we make judgments about whether they are trustworthy based on appearance and gestures. It’s important to teach our teens that trust is not only a feeling but something that should be earned over time.

Often, feelings of mistrust are felt in the gut before the mind catches up. These instinctive perceptions help us stay safe and grounded. Teens need to learn to listen to that inner voice, even when it is clouded by attention, praise, interest, or gifts. Many people now say that something felt off about Diddy well before these allegations surfaced, illustrating how gut feelings can serve as early warnings.

Two Dangerous Personality Disorders to Watch For

Before forming friendships or dating someone, teens can learn to recognize unhealthy traits that may indicate serious mental health issues. Personality disorders are characterized by long-standing patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving that often emerge in late adolescence or early adulthood. These patterns are rigid, making it difficult for the person to adapt to different situations or maintain healthy relationships. Understanding these traits can help teens make safer decisions.

If someone shows multiple warning signs, it's crucial to say "no" to any invites, offers, or attention bids. Teaching teens to recognize these red flags and practice firm boundaries can protect them from future harm.

1. Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD)

Often called "sociopathy," ASPD is defined by a pervasive pattern of disregard for others' rights, along with deceitfulness, impulsivity, aggression, irresponsibility, and a lack of remorse. People with ASPD are often manipulative or exploitative or violate the rights of others without feeling guilt or empathy.

2. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

NPD is characterized by a lack of empathy and a need for admiration. Some key traits include:

• Grandiosity: Believing oneself to be superior or special.
• Need for Admiration: Craving constant praise and validation.
• Lack of Empathy: Having little regard for others’ feelings or needs.
• Sense of Entitlement: Expecting special treatment or privileges.
• Arrogance: Displaying boastful or condescending attitudes.
• Exploitative Behavior: Using others for personal gain without concern for their well-being.
• Preoccupation With Success or Power: Obsessing over fantasies of wealth, power, and beauty.
• Envy: Feeling jealous of others or believing others are envious of them.
• Superficial Charm: Being charismatic or charming but only to manipulate others.

While only trained professionals can diagnose these personality disorders, understanding these traits can empower teens to protect themselves from unhealthy relationships.

Five Red Flags to Watch For

Recognizing warning signs early on can help teens avoid unhealthy or potentially dangerous relationships. Here are five clues to consider before trusting anyone who wants to get close.

1. Eyes

If someone frequently wears sunglasses indoors or in their profile pictures, take caution. Unless there's a medical reason, concealing the eyes may indicate they don't want you to see their true intentions. Trust is built on open connection, and avoiding eye contact can signal secrecy or dishonesty.

2. Name and Self-Perception

Pay attention to how someone refers to themselves. Do they use grandiose nicknames or talk about themselves in the third person? Titles that emphasize importance or power can indicate an inflated ego. Personalized apparel, tattoos, or online personas like gaming and social media usernames reveal a lot about values and character (e.g., names like "Bad Boy" suggest certain self-perceptions).

3. Gait and Presence

Notice how they move in social situations. Do they walk ahead of everyone, expecting attention, and treating others as an entourage? A domineering presence often signifies a need for control and a lack of respect for others' space and time. For example, if a boyfriend walks impatiently ahead of his partner, it can indicate a lack of empathy or regard for her and others.

4. Coping Skills

How does this person handle stress? Coping mechanisms reveal emotional maturity. Drinking heavily, using drugs, engaging in pornography, or endlessly scrolling through social media are warning signs. Actions often speak louder than words—if someone claims to value family but mainly posts about material possessions or partying, take note. Asking potential dates about their views on counseling, self-improvement, and mindfulness practices is a great way to gauge their self-awareness. If they are unwilling to seek therapy, show vulnerability, or accept support, it can indicate poor emotional regulation.

5. Treatment of Others

Observe how they treat those who aren’t in their immediate circle—such as waitstaff, store clerks, or parking attendants. Do they show kindness, respect, and patience? Or do they act entitled, condescending, or dismissive? Someone who mistreats or ridicules strangers often reveals a lack of empathy and respect, behaviors that can quickly extend to those closer to them. Simple acts like holding doors, smiling genuinely, and waiting their turn show humility and respect.

Trust Is Earned Over Time

Trust should be seen as something that grows over time rather than something given freely at the start of a relationship. By understanding these red flags and teaching teens to recognize early signs of unhealthy behavior, we can empower them to build relationships that are safe, supportive, and based on mutual respect.

By fostering open discussions about trust, respect, and emotional safety, we prepare our teens to navigate the world of dating and relationships with confidence and care.