Expanding Your Touch Lexicon

Which part of your partner are you inviting to any interaction with your touch?

Reviewed by Margaret Foley

Key points

• Developing a range of touches to communicate different needs is a critical part of thriving relationships.
• The touch you give might not be received the way you intended it.
• Utilizing your expanded touch lexicon can create more closeness in your relationships.

As humans, touch is the first language that we are introduced to. It's a fundamental form of communication that determines how close, safe, seen, and related we are to the other person. For many couples, physical contact primarily comes from their partners, making it a critical aspect of their connection. Physical touch in romantic relationships, however, might seem synonymous with sexual contact. Limiting physical interaction to just sex can restrict the full expression of a relationship's dynamics and the roles that we each play in our coupledom. It overlooks the rich spectrum of nonsexual touches that express love, care, trust, comfort, respect, and the overall quality of our connection.

When we conflate all physical interaction with sexuality, we miss the opportunity to communicate through a variety of touches that embody different aspects of our relationships. Therefore, we will get stuck in one role or another, and the problems start developing from there. In this post, we will explore how varied forms of touch reflect the multitude of roles we play in our relationships and how expanding our “touch lexicon” can deepen our connection. In linguistics, a lexicon is the complete set of words in a language. We use multiple “touches” to express and communicate different sentiments and needs.

Take a minute and think about all the diverse roles we play in our coupledom—from co-parents to business partners to emotional supporters. A single form of touch cannot communicate the experiences and expectations attached to each of these roles. Differentiating between types of touch is essential to call out each of these different roles. For instance, a comforting pat on the back to thank your partner for a household chore means something entirely different from a teasing touch that initiates sexual intimacy. Recognizing and diversifying our physical interactions can enrich the ways we connect within our coupledom and is a way to celebrate all the roles we play within it.

Literacy in Touch Lexicon

Developing awareness around physical touch in relationships begins by recognizing our default patterns. Here are some questions to reflect on or journal about:

• Where is the place of physical touch in your relationship(s)?
• Are your gestures of touch in alignment with your intentions, or are they a product of habit?
• What are the roles that you assume for yourself and your partner in your relationship? What sort of touch could be affiliated with each of these roles?
• How do you physically say “I love you,” “I’m sorry,” "I am attracted to you," “I appreciate you,” or “I need you.”

Reflecting on these patterns is the first step in expanding our touch lexicon. Consider the various forms of touch you use and what they communicate. As well, awareness of how our touch is received is crucial.

• Does a particular touch bring comfort or create distance?
• How do you know?

Understanding your partner’s responses to different types of touch can guide you in adapting your approach to better meet the needs of your relationship. (This applies to any close relationship you have, including with your children, parents, friends, and siblings, too.)

Fluency in Touch Lexicon

• A practical exercise to develop your touch lexicon involves consensual touching where partners guess the intention behind each touch. Pick a time and space that is comfortable and neutral (as much as is possible). Taking turns, each partner thinks of a type of touch to convey a message to the other— sensual, platonic, teasing, comforting, playful, or tender—and then delivers that touch to the other without telling them what they had hoped to convey. The partner who receives the touch verbalizes how they received and interpreted it.
• Some questions to reflect on are: How did this touch make you feel, in both giving and receiving it? What sensations did you notice? When was the last time you exchanged such a touch? What were your reactions? What do you think your partner wants to convey through their touch? Was there a memory associated with the touch, in this relationship or others? Which one of your roles in life or your relationship do you associate with this touch? This practice helps identify preferences, clear up confusions, and foster a more informed and nuanced physical connection.
• Remember the importance of consent in these interactions. Using code words like "green," "yellow," and "red" can facilitate ongoing communication and ensure comfort and agreement throughout your physical interactions. As you expand your repertoire of physical interactions, consider how each touch aligns with the varying and unique roles and dynamics in your relationship. Emphasizing this distinction helps maintain a healthy balance between the various aspects of your relationship, ensuring that each touch conveys the message you intend to send and deepens your bond.