Modern Parenting Is Bad for Your Health

The U.S. Surgeon General warns that “something has to change.”

Reviewed by Lybi Ma

Key points

• Parents of children under 18 report higher levels of stress than other adults.
• The U.S. Surgeon General is raising awareness about this problem in a new advisory on parents’ mental health.
• One solution might be for parents to push back against intensive parenting practices.

Today’s parents are stressed, even more so than other adults. According to a recent survey,

• 41 percent of parents say that most days they are so stressed they can’t function (compared with 20 percent of others).
• 48 percent of parents say that most days their stress is completely overwhelming (compared to 26 percent).
• 62 percent of parents say no one understands how stressed they are (compared to 42 percent).

As a parent of two kids, I can relate. Just this week, my husband and I spent hours driving them to various extracurricular activities, argued with them about the family’s boundaries around technology, started doing research on college admissions (and reading headlines like “It’s Now Harder Than Ever to Get Into UVA”), and discussed the lockdown their friends endured when a boy threatened to shoot up a neighboring school.

The stress of modern parenting is real, and it’s caught the attention of the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, who recently issued an advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents. Murthy acknowledged that parenting has never been easy, but today’s parents face unique challenges. He wrote: "In addition to the traditional challenges of parenting—protecting children from harm, worrying about finances, managing teenagers searching for independence—there are new stressors that previous generations didn’t have to consider. These include the complexity of managing social media, parents’ concerns about the youth mental health crisis, and an epidemic of loneliness that disproportionately affects young people and parents—just to name a few."

These stressors–experienced day after day—can compromise parents’ mental and physical health, which negatively affects everyone else in the family.

What is the solution? According to Murthy, “We need a fundamental shift in how we value and prioritize parents’ well-being.” He argues that this shift can happen through a series of policy changes and expanded community programs that help ensure parents get what they need, including paid sick leave and affordable child care. He also encourages parents to talk openly about their struggles and to nurture their relationships with other parents.

Another thing parents can do is resist the trend of intensive parenting—an approach that compels parents to invest a significant amount of time, energy, and money in their children, well above what’s necessary. This style of parenting is gaining favor, and not just among wealthy parents who can easily afford weekly horseback riding lessons. Parents across different social classes support the idea of intensive parenting, likely because they believe it will help their children succeed in a hyper-competitive world.

The problem: Intensive parenting doesn’t necessarily improve children’s outcomes. In some cases, it can even be harmful. It’s also linked to negative outcomes for parents. For example, one study found that mothers who endorsed the belief that “children’s needs should come before their parents’ [needs]” were less satisfied with their lives than other mothers.

Intensive parenting can also get in the way of a satisfying social life, which I discuss in my upcoming book Our New Social Life: Science-Based Strategies for Creating Meaningful Connection, co-authored with Dr. Jaime Kurtz. A healthy social life buffers us from stress and enhances our well-being, but many of us are sacrificing our social lives for the sake of our kids.

Something has to change. As parents, we need to prioritize our well-being. For me, personally, that means saving a little time and energy for my extracurricular activities.