7 Reasons Why Dealing With Narcissists Is So Exhausting

How to deal with narcissists’ endless attention-seeking and painful put downs.

Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

Key points

• Narcissists seek to feel superior through projection, gaslighting, and bewildering communication.
• Interactions with narcissists can leave you feeling devalued, undermined, and depleted.
• Recognizing narcissists' unhealthy patterns can help you anticipate and sidestep their tactics.

As a therapist, I have worked for nearly 30 years with narcissists and those close to them. A common theme expressed by people around narcissists is how emotionally and physically draining their interactions with narcissists can be.

By “narcissist,” I mean individuals who meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or who display numerous narcissistic personality traits.

The more you recognize the dynamics underlying narcissistic behavior, the better you can effectively set healthy boundaries with narcissistic persons.

Here are seven reasons why interacting with narcissists can be so tiresome.

1. Communication is not used to share feelings or to connect

Communication is a tool for narcissists to satisfy their drive for attention, feeling superior, and being right. Narcissists live in a state of minute-by-minute monitoring of their status. They tally each time they feel admired, one-up, or gratified by others. They also scan for perceived slights, threats, or anything that would make them feel embarrassed or illegitimate.

If you want to test this, try glancing at your phone while a narcissist is talking to you, and observe their reaction.

This constant monitoring explains why you may feel on shaky ground when communicating with a narcissist. If you expect balance, authentic connection, and give-and-take, you're likely to be disappointed.

At times, narcissists may seem to be listening or acting magnanimously. But their hunger for domination and self-aggrandizement will inevitably reassert itself.

2. They always need more supply

We can have empathy for the lack of a solid sense of self that is characteristic of someone with NPD. Living with an emptiness that must endlessly be filled—and feeling unable to fill that void on their own—must be painful, though narcissists characteristically ignore, distract from, or displace their pain.

Given a narcissist’s bottomless hunger for approval and attention, you will likely never be able to supply enough of what they want and need. No matter how much you attend to them, you will eventually fall short in their eyes. This explains why you may often feel that you are doing something “wrong” in their eyes during interactions.

3. They project outward the emotions that they cannot tolerate or contain

One reason narcissistic people are difficult is because they instinctively try to make others carry the emotions that they dare not face.

Projection is a powerful psychological defense mechanism through which people offload their shameful feelings onto others.

At times this process can be subtle, even done nonverbally. You may feel a vague sense of unease, as if you are somehow flawed or tainted, with no clue as to where that feeling is coming from.

Other times the displaced emotions may hit you like a crescendo, as if you walked into a hornet’s nest.

Healthier people generally try not to discharge difficult feelings without thinking about the consequences to others. Narcissists have little such empathy to temper their rage.

4. Someone other than the narcissist is always to blame

Narcissists find it exceedingly difficult to accept responsibility for their failings. They seek credit but are allergic to acknowledging fault.

This is a function of their character structure, which is protected by a shell game of pretenses. One way to spot a narcissist’s insecurities is to notice how strongly they deny, become defensive, or overreact.

The greater their defensiveness, the greater their perceived internal defects.

The more grandiose their pretense, the more intense their fears and insecurities.

5. Everyone is fair game

If a narcissist is upset enough, anyone is a potential target. There is no safe zone or out-of-bounds when it comes to narcissists’ rage. Healthier people try to avoid taking things out on innocent others or those closest to them. Narcissists hold no such distinctions, which is often why partners and family members closest to narcissists feel that a special antipathy is reserved for them.

When narcissists feel you have let them down—often for failing to do something you had no idea you were expected to do—they feel rage. You are seen as a person who has hurt them unfairly and is therefore no longer human or someone they care about.

In viewing you as an object, they push you away to protect themselves or punish you for your “crimes.”

6. Gaslighting and covert insults are freely used to keep you feeling off balance and one-down

A narcissist may give you a backhanded compliment such as, “At least you’re being less of a jerk lately.”

They may gaslight you by hurting you, then claiming that your memory of the abuse is wrong or that you are "too sensitive."

As a result, you are left shaking your head in confusion or second-guessing yourself.

7. They dwell in double standards and hypocrisy

Narcissists can say one thing one day and the opposite the next. To you, it’s inconsistent. To a narcissist, words are a means to an end in each moment. Consistency or truth aren’t their priorities.

How to cope

The key to dealing with destructive narcissistic behavior and communication is to recognize that narcissists hold different norms and expectations than most of us.

Waking up to this reality is similar to coming to grips with a loved one’s alcoholism. We sometimes dwell in denial when someone close to us has an untreated addiction because the truth is painful to accept.

It is by reckoning with the reality of a loved one’s addiction that we can set healthy boundaries and let go of false expectations.

The same is true when dealing with narcissists.