The Secret Sex Life of Narcissists

You can learn a lot from someone's fantasies.

Reviewed by Kaja Perina

Key points

• Narcissists operate on extremes: They need to be needed but fear you will destroy them.
• Between 0.2 and 2 percent of the U.S. population has narcissistic personality disorder.
• For the narcissist, sex is about power, not pleasure, and life is about actions, not emotions and intimacy.

As I may have mentioned previously, not all of our mothers can have borderline personality disorder. Similarly, not all of our ex-boyfriends can be narcissists.

Only 1 to 2 percent of the U.S. population has narcissistic personality disorder at most—other researchers estimate a mere 0.2% of the population truly qualifies for this diagnosis. And 75% of narcissists are men.

How do we know a narcissist when we see one?

Start with the bare naked truth: their sexual fantasies.

What is narcissism?

Narcissists are like fancy chocolate: hard on the outside and soft and mushy on the inside.

Most narcissists fully believe that they are superior to other people in word and thought. But they also really need you to like, love, and admire them because they are terribly insecure.

Narcissists are not great at relationships, which should come as no surprise since most believe they are superior to and more capable than others.

Inside the narcissist's sexual fantasies

In 2014, an article entitled "Four shades of sexual fantasies linked to the Dark Triad" looked into the sexual fantasies of the following three diagnoses: narcissism (grandiosity, pride, ego, and a lack of empathy), Machiavellianism (self-interest, deception, and exploitation of others), and psychopathy (lack of empathy, likeliness to engage in risky/harmful behavior without guilt or remorse).

Six hundred and fifty Canadian college students were asked about their sexual fantasies. Although those with high levels of psychopathy reported the highest sex drive, those who reported the highest level of narcissism most frequently engaged in sexual fantasies.

Narcissists think about sex. A lot. Especially narcissistic men.

What they don't think about is their romantic partner.

If their current partner does make an appearance in their world of sexual fantasy, they are nothing more than an accessory. The partner will appear faceless and nameless, as if they are only there for the narcissist's blind sexual pleasure.

In 2022, a study by Varga et al. gathered information from 1,300 males about their sexual life, both real and fantasized.

Males who scored higher in narcissistic traits were more likely to sexually objectify others. They are also more likely to be attracted to and aroused by themselves. Narcissists were also more likely to struggle with premature ejaculation or delayed ejaculatory response.

A narcissist's most common sexual fantasies

It is easy to see how common themes of an inflated sense of self-importance and the importance of having the upper hand are important to the narcissist.

1. Power and control. Think non-consensual BDSM play or not listening to the safe word when their partner uses it.
2. Being praised excessively for their sexual prowess.
3. Having to rise to the challenge of bedding a virgin or married woman.
4. Being caught in the middle of a sexual maelstrom of excitement, such as being the only man in a sea of amorous women.

You'll note a clear pattern here: It is all about him, all the time, with no thought to other people other than as a vessel to his strength and orgasm.

Sex is not about pleasure, but power for the narcissist. Their life is propelled by actions, not by emotions and intimacy.

Narcissism and compulsive sexual behavior

The overlap between narcissism and compulsive sexual behavior is quite high, although it is difficult to find an exact correlation.

Therapist Dr. Paul Hokemeyer has stated that if you feel like you are involved with someone whose sexual behavior feels exploitative and lacks empathy for your wants and needs then there is a high chance that you are dealing with a narcissist whose primary purpose in intimate situations is to validate his sexual prowess.

For many substance abusers, the lengths someone will go to acquire their drug of choice is part and parcel of the diagnosis itself. In issues of substance abuse, people have been known to lie and steal to get what they want—or what they think they need. With narcissists, it is not unusual for something similar to occur in the form of infidelity and sexual assault.

Some argue that the compulsive sexual behavior of narcissists is not an addiction, but rather a poor coping skill that attempts to overcome insecurity and self-esteem issues and connect with other people.

Where do we go and what do we know?

Still trying to figure out if you are (or were) involved with a narcissist?

Look for these signs:

• A partner whose main purpose in life is achieving their own sexual satisfaction. Sometimes this occurs at the expense of your comfort level.
• Your partner's sexual pleasure seems directly related to the size of their ego.
• If you decline their sexual advances, they will make you feel as awful as possible.
• They criticize your sexual performance as if it were art in a museum.
• Your partner cheats on you with people you are or used to be close to.

As stated earlier, the odds of having a narcissist in your life are incredibly small, especially given the fact that only 1 to 2 percent of the population has this diagnosis. It is a lot more likely that you are simply dating a selfish lover.

But isn't that reason enough to make a change?