Spider's mouth infected by Kyle Rittenhouse

A brown recluse spider is currently receiving treatment after accidentally getting a mouthful of acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse.

"I was just keeping to myself, man," the spider told Boing Boing in an exclusive interview. "You know, being reclusive and shit. Anyway, this bag of doughnuts, what's his name, Rittenhouse? Yeah, no. This guy comes along and next thing you know, he's got his frigging back all up in my grill. Layin' down on me like we've been spoonin's like sweet baboos frickin' years. I dunno 'bout you, but I don't put up with no crap like that. Yeah, right, I bit him."

According to the spider's representative, police declared the bite an act of self-defense against Rittenhouse. The investigation is said to be ongoing. According to the spider's representative, it has been introduced to Victim Services and will not be making any further statements.

In an attempt to fill the lonely, self-loathing hole as big as the necrotic gash that will soon appear in his back, Rittenhouse took to Twitter to blame the spider for the altercation… and bitch about communists? Really? OK, sure.

You may recall that in 2021, Rittenhouse was acquitted for the murder of two individuals as well as the injury of a third after crossing state lines with an AR-style rifle, which he used to shoot them. His three victims had been protesting the police shooting of Jacob Blake. Blake, who was caring for his three children at the time, was shot seven times in the back by police in Kenosha, Wisconsin, as he attempted to enter his vehicle.

While deaths from the bite of a brown recluse spider are statistically rare, the arachnid's venom can cause serious damage to the human body. What starts as a rash and fever can progress to necrosis around the site of the bite within days or weeks of the incident.

Oh no.