How to survive the great war of office politics
by Kelvin Kao · CNA · JoinGetting co-opted into a war you didn’t sign up for is like being handed a grenade during a peaceful lunch break. All of a sudden, you’re facing the risk of an explosion, you’re forced to pick through a mess you had no hand in creating, and the worst part is, you’re gonna miss out on lunch.
Early in my career, one such proverbial grenade landed right in my lap.
I had just joined the company, and as the lowly junior in the department, I somehow landed the unenviable role of reporting to not one, but two supervisors.
As the kids say, big oof.
My supervisors Marianne and Sandy (not their real names) had a long and storied friendship. They graduated from the same course at the same university, and were hired into the company at the same time. Same job title, same everything.
During peacetime, we were a happy little trio who occasionally grabbed lunch together, basking in the illusion of collegial harmony.
But one fateful morning, the workplace gods decided to throw a curveball: Sandy got promoted.
Marianne did not take the news well – and she decided that the ideal coping strategy for herself would be to simply stop speaking to Sandy. And when I say “stopped”, I mean a complete cessation of communication.
Hellos? Unacknowledged. Meetings? A series of painful, awkward silences that made me wish I could sink into my chair and disappear.
Say nothing of those halcyon lunch breaks.
At this time, I got promoted too, to the prestigious role of… the messenger.
I was the child caught in the middle of a bitter divorce, with neither parent willing to speak directly to the other.
“Can you let Sandy know that the report needs her approval before we send it to Chris?”
“Kelvin, please inform Marianne that I’ve reviewed the report, and there are quite a few numbers missing.”
“Would you kindly pass on to Sandy that she absolutely does not deserve her promotion because we basically do the same amount of work, and I hard-carried her through our final-year project back in school?”
Okay, I made that last one up. But you get the point.
When two colleagues are locked in a silent (or not-so-silent) war, working in the office can feel like FIBUA – Fighting In Built-Up Areas, for those who haven’t undergone National Service.
But not to worry, there are ways to navigate these tricky battlegrounds without getting caught in the crossfire. Here are five tips for surviving the Great War without picking sides – or losing your sanity.
1. KEEP CALM AND STAY NEUTRAL
The moment two colleagues start duking it out, your instinct might be to take sides.
Don’t do it.
As the saying goes, there are no victors in war, only victims. Even if you end up picking the winning side, going out on a limb for one of your colleagues might result in you losing said limb.
Instead, channel your inner Switzerland. Make neutrality and calm the order of your day. If someone tries to rope you in regardless, say something non-committal, like “I’m just here for the email and stuff”.
With a stance like that, you’ll avoid getting peppered with unfriendly fire and ending up like Swiss cheese.
2. MASTER THE RBF – “RESTING BLUR FACE”
In jungle warfare, you need camouflage to hide from enemies. In the office, what you need is to put on the RBF, or “Resting Blur Face”.
This is the best camouflage for dealing with one-sided rants from either colleague. It involves looking vaguely intrigued without offering any solid agreement, disagreement, or actual opinions of any sort.
When one of the warring parties corners you during lunchtime and starts unloading about how their nemesis took credit for the star idea in the presentation, look quizzical. Put on your RBF: “Oh? I had no idea.”
This is the foolproof key to playing the part of a well-meaning, albeit mildly confused listener.
3. TOO SWAMPED TO SQUABBLE
Another effective strategy is to throw yourself into your work.
Become the person who’s just too busy to notice the drama. When asked about any conflict, your mantra needs to be “ain’t nobody got time for that”. Nod, but casually mention how you’re “just really focused on meeting that deadline” or “wrapping up that report”.
After all, the office may sometimes be a part-time warzone, but it’s always a full-time workplace. No one can argue with someone who keeps bringing the conversation back to work.
Plus, it gives you a solid excuse to avoid any awkward conversations about who’s right and who’s wrong.
4. FRIENDSHIP IS COMPLIMENTARY
Aristotle famously said, “A friend to all is a friend to none.” But Aristotle also said, “From the hour of their birth, some are marked out for subjection, others for rule.” So maybe we should take his advice with a pinch of salt.
You don’t have to be besties with everyone, but you can still vibe with them. One way to show your friendly aura is by offering compliments, liberally but sincerely.
Tell Sandy how great her presentation last week was, especially that joke about the dog and the goldfish. Then, casually tell Marianne that her insights update really set the bar high for all upcoming reports, “bar none”.
By giving both sides their flowers, you become the office diplomat. You’re just here to do the work and bring the good vibes only – no hate, no drama.
5. SIDE-STEP THE TEA PUDDLES
Let’s be honest here – who doesn’t love the bitter taste of spilt tea? But just because the gossip is good doesn’t mean you should stick around for the clean-up job.
As soon as the conversation turns to “Can you believe what so-and-so did? He actually …”, that’s your cue to wrap things up.
No fancy Matrix-style moves needed to dodge bullets like these. A simple “Wow, sounds intense! I think I’d better get to [insert choice of task]” works wonders.
It’s the polite way of saying, “I’m not getting involved.” Exit quietly, and live to fight another day – preferably in a battle more worth your effort.
With these tips in your back pocket, you can confidently navigate the political minefield between warring colleagues like a pro.
The office might sometimes turn into a battleground, but as long as you keep your head down and your sense of humour intact, you'll make it out alive.
Kelvin Kao is the co-owner of a creative agency and a cafe.
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