WWE Raw Review: Austin Theory Auditions for The Vision
· BCPosted in: Sports, TV, WWE | Tagged: wrestling
WWE Raw Review: Austin Theory Auditions for The Vision
El Presidente reviews WWE Raw: Asuka defeats Rhea Ripley, Austin Theory joins The Vision, and Gunther gets confronted by CM Punk!
Published Tue, 23 Dec 2025 16:37:03 -0600
by El Presidente
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Article Summary
- Asuka topples Rhea Ripley with help from her comrades, proving teamwork can overcome even the toughest opponents!
- Becky Lynch taps out to Maxxine Dupri during a promo turned ankle lock!
- Gunther faces confrontations by CM Punk and Rey Mysterio after retiring John Cena!
- Main Event sees Austin Theory pass a Vision tryout and Breakker send a message to CM Punk!
Greetings, comrades! It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from my private screening room deep within the presidential palace, where I have just finished watching last night's episode of WWE Raw while simultaneously monitoring several CIA spy satellites that have been trying to track my empanada shipments. And let me tell you, comrades, last night's WWE Raw delivered more drama than the time I accidentally invited both Muammar Gaddafi and the King of Morocco to the same state dinner!
WWE Raw opened with a recap of the revelation that Austin Theory was the masked man from last week, which honestly should have been obvious to everyone. Theory came out this week and asked Paul Heyman if he could join The Vision. This reminds me of the time I started showing up in a mask to meetings of the United Nations Human Rights Council without an invitation. Talk about awkward! But I digress.
Next, comrades, came the match I had been most anticipating – Rhea Ripley versus Asuka for the opening contest! These two warriors battled for nearly twenty minutes in what can only be described as a beautiful symphony of violence. Ripley dominated early, throwing Asuka around like I throw corrupt officials out of my cabinet meetings. But Kairi Sane provided a distraction, and eventually Iyo Sky came out to even the odds, though not before Asuka secured the victory with a rollup.
If there is one thing I have learned from my various battles with the CIA, it's this: never underestimate the power of a good distraction. The CIA once tried to distract me with a mariachi band while they attempted to bug my presidential limousine. Unfortunately for them, I was so entertained by the music that I invited the entire band inside the palace, where they accidentally revealed the listening devices hidden in their guitar cases. Asuka used distraction much more subtly, comrades, though equally effective!
The Vision met backstage to discuss Theory's proposal, and Heyman convinced Bron Breakker to let Theory take his place in the main event. This is what we call in the dictator business "delegation of authority." I remember when I delegated the task of negotiating a trade agreement to my Minister of Commerce. He did such a terrible job that three countries declared economic sanctions. But that's how you learn, comrades! And he learned that if you fail to deliver results for El Presidente, you get tossed in the tiger pit.
Becky Lynch came out to complain about everything from Maxxine Dupri to the city of Grand Rapids itself. She even complained about the lack of rapids in Grand Rapids! Comrades, I can relate to this disappointment. I once visited Iceland and was devastated to discover it was not, in fact, made entirely of ice. The travel brochures were very misleading! Dupri interrupted and eventually locked Lynch in an ankle lock, making her tap despite the lack of a match. The Intercontinental Champion continues to impress, much like my Minister of Agriculture impresses me every harvest season when we somehow produce exactly the amount of grain I predicted we would produce six months earlier. What a coincidence!
Je'Von Evans faced Rayo Americano in a match that showcased the young star's incredible athleticism. Evans hit a spectacular dive to the outside that reminded me of the time I had to dive out a palace window to escape an attempted coup. Though, admittedly, my dive was less graceful and involved more screaming. Evans won, proving that youth will always triumph, at least over jobbers!
Bron Breakker cut a brief but effective promo warning CM Punk that after January 5, Punk would be "broke." This financial threat reminds me of the economic warfare I wage daily against the International Monetary Fund. They keep sending me strongly worded letters about "loan repayment" and "fiscal responsibility," and I keep using those letters as kindling for my presidential fireplace. It's a system that works for everyone – well, for me, at least!
Nikki Bella came out to insult Michigan and claim she's the most famous person in the arena. Comrades, I know something about being famous! I once attended a United Nations summit where I was definitely the most famous person in the room, though the Secretary-General insisted it was because I had an active Interpol warrant, not because of my charm and charisma. Potato, potahto!
Bayley defeated Roxanne Perez after Lyra Valkyria slapped her in the face to fire her up. Sometimes, comrades, you need a good slap to motivate you! I learned this from Vladimir Putin during a summit in Moscow. He slapped me on the back so hard I coughed up a pierogi, but it did motivate me to win our subsequent arm-wrestling competition. That slap technique works wonders!
Gunther came out and posed on the announce table before being confronted by both CM Punk and Rey Mysterio. The Ring General's arrogance knows no bounds! This reminds me of the time I posed on top of a captured CIA drone for a photo opportunity. The Americans were not amused, but the photo did become our nation's top-selling postcard for three consecutive years!
The main event saw Austin Theory and Bronson Reed defeat CM Punk and Rey Mysterio after Theory pinned Mysterio with a Stomp. Theory's victory proves that sometimes the young upstart can defeat the legendary veteran, much like how I defeated the previous dictator – I mean, legitimately elected president – in a completely fair election that definitely happened! Breakker then speared Punk after the match to close WWE Raw, sending a message about their upcoming championship match.
Comrades, this episode of WWE Raw was a fine example of professional wrestling's ability to weave multiple storylines into one cohesive tapestry of sports entertainment! From championship pursuits to personal vendettas, from rising stars to established legends, Monday Night Raw delivered exactly what the people demand – and believe me, I know about giving the people what they demand. I once held a referendum where 113% of the population voted in favor of my leadership. The CIA claimed this was "mathematically impossible," but I simply told them their calculators were defective!
Until next time, comrades, remember: in wrestling as in revolution, sometimes you must roll up your opponent's trunks to secure victory! It may not be the most honorable tactic, but history is written by the winners!
Viva la revolución! Viva la WWE Raw!
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