The Shidduch Crisis Has Obstacles We Created Ourselves

From the COLlive inbox: A Crown Heights resident questions whether stereotypes, and unnecessary obstacles are making an already difficult shidduch process even harder for singles.

By Anonymous

Finding a shidduch has become an exhausting process of résumés, references, phone calls, and endless waiting. A promising suggestion can sit unanswered for days or weeks, and sometimes simply reaching the right person becomes a challenge in itself.

People are not applications sitting in a queue. They are human beings with feelings, hopes, and dreams of building a family. Better communication, reasonable response times, and basic consideration for those involved should be the bare minimum.

We need a system that works for people, not people who are forced to work around a system.

Parents and shadchanim have an important role, and their guidance can be invaluable. But nobody can fully determine compatibility from a résumé, a list of references, or a family’s reputation. The two people who will ultimately build a life together deserve the opportunity to get to know one another.

Too often, potential shidduchim are dismissed before the couple even has a chance to meet. Sometimes the reason has little to do with the individuals themselves and everything to do with disagreements between their families.

Old arguments, personal grudges, and parents who refuse to consider a certain family can stand in the way of a potentially wonderful match. When there are no genuine concerns about the couple, personal differences between parents should not determine their children’s futures.

We must be careful not to let our own pride and preferences cost our children an opportunity to build a beautiful Jewish home.

The labels have become exhausting: anti, Meshichist, too modern, too yeshivish, the wrong crowd, the wrong family.

Of course, shared hashkafah and religious values matter in marriage. But there is a difference between seeking genuine compatibility and dismissing someone based on assumptions about an entire group.

People deserve to be judged by their actual character, middos, and values, not simply by the label others attach to them. Two people can come from different circles and still connect beautifully. We cannot preach Ahavas Yisroel while allowing exaggerated stereotypes and community politics to close doors before people even have a chance to meet.

Another issue is the emphasis on looks in the shidduch process. Physical attraction is an important part of marriage, but it should not overshadow a person’s middos, character, and values. Singles with disabilities or physical differences deserve the same genuine opportunities as anyone else, without being defined by their appearance or limitations.

The Rebbe emphasized Ahavas Yisroel, helping another Jew, and building Jewish homes rooted in Torah and mitzvos. These values must be reflected in how we approach shidduchim.

We cannot claim that building Jewish homes is one of our highest priorities while ignoring the obstacles we may be creating ourselves.

The shidduch crisis is a serious concern, and the emotional toll on singles cannot be dismissed. Too many people struggle through a process that can leave them feeling overlooked, discouraged, and powerless over one of the most important decisions of their lives.

Bitachon and tefillah are essential, but they should never become excuses for refusing to improve what is within our control.

We need better communication, more respect for singles’ own judgment, less interference from personal family conflicts, and a willingness to look beyond labels. Helping singles find their bashert should be a shared communal responsibility.

Crown Heights has tremendous resources, passionate people, and a deep commitment to Torah and Chassidus. We can do better by making the shidduch process more humane, efficient, and focused on the people at its center.

We cannot control when every person will find their bashert. But we can control whether our community makes that journey unnecessarily difficult.

Behind every résumé is a person. Behind every suggestion is a possibility. And behind every dismissed shidduch may be two people who deserved a fair chance.

Some obstacles are unavoidable. Others are obstacles we have created ourselves. If building Jewish homes is truly one of our greatest priorities, we must be willing to confront them.

This is not about shaming parents, shadchanim, or anyone else. It is about taking responsibility for what we can improve.

Our singles deserve more than silence. They deserve a community willing to listen, reflect, and change.

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