Should We Be Worried About How Much Sex Married People Are Having?

Why Aren’t Married Couples Having Sex?

Stand-up comedian Greg Fitzsimmons famously said, “If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.” Turns out, he’s not that off base.

According to the recent General Social Survey, 32.5 percent of married U.S. adults said they haven’t had sex “at all” in the last 12 months. That means that almost 1 in 3 married people aren’t really having sex with their spouses. I knew that the state of dating was bleak and that Gen Z was having less and less sex, but I wasn’t aware that this issue of lack of intimacy was prevalent in marriage too.

While it’s important to note that sexual frequency doesn’t give us a complete picture of what’s going on in a relationship, there is still something to be said about the state of sex in this country. So what’s going on in the bedrooms of married couples?

Ilana Grines, LMFT and licensed sex therapist, shares that she often hears couples say that they’re exhausted by the end of the day.

“Between shuffling children, work, and other responsibilities, sex frequently takes the back seat and is deprioritized,” she says. And because couples spend so much of their time mentally occupied by their to-do lists, there’s not a lot of time (or emotional energy) left over to transition into a sensual state. Intimacy requires a lot of mental and emotional space—which can be hard to tap into if you’re on “go” from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed.

Plus, there are a lot of mental hangups that get in the way of sex. Grines says that unresolved resentments have a lot to do with this. In heterosexual relationships, women take on a majority of the household and childcare labor. We’re often told that “foreplay starts at breakfast.” Well, if you’re the one cooking breakfast alone, feeding it to your spouse and kids, cleaning up afterwards, and then spending your entire day tending to a majority of the household tasks thinking about how your partner is pretty useless, it’s hard to be enthusiastic about getting into bed with them.

Now, some changes in your sex life are just inevitable. There’s work stress, medication changes, pain, and moving through different life stages. These things, Grines says, can cause shifts in desire.

“These ebbs may be met with a decrease in sexual activity, but do not typically include a change in affection, warmth, and trust,” she says.

But how a partner shows up during these times does affect the relationship. If a partner is unkind, unhelpful, or detached during life changes, it can result in the other partner being closed off to sex or any kind of intimacy.

How do you both open up (literally and figuratively) again?

Can the Sex Situation Revive Itself?

“A good way to nurture a long term sexual relationship is to understand what conditions are required for desire to exist in the first place,” Grines says. The first step is to get curious.

If you notice your partner pull away—or notice yourself pulling away—it’s important to try to understand what’s happening in your relationship or your own life that may be contributing to this change. Grines suggests posing questions like, “What do we do that allows us to make sex more inviting?” “Are we always just leaving it to be the last item on our to-do list.. or prioritizing it?,” and “Do we need to start scheduling time to just be intimate, without the pressure of having sex?”

By making these questions part of a regular relationship check in, you and your partner can mentally make a note that sex is an important part of your relationship.

“It is also really important to redefine what it means to have sex,” Grines says. She explains that some couples think penetration is the only way to maintain an intimate connection. But there’s affectionate touch, cuddling, kissing, lap-sitting, and basically any kind of touch that can help create a sense of connection without the pressure of full-blown sex.

And of course, you have to get to the root of the issue. No matter how much you cuddle with your partner, if there is a feeling of resentment around your relationship, then this needs to be addressed. Intimate touch is not a bandaid for the relational issues you and your partner are facing. You’re going to have to either talk it out or seek the help of a professional to guide the conversation. Yes, sex is important for most relationships—but the actual relationship part should be a priority.

Is Marriage a Death Sentence for Sex?

If you’re worried that saying “I do” is going to automatically mean you’re never going to have sex again, relax. Marriage is not some death sentence for your sex life. But it will take some work to help create a sexual connection with your partner that withstands all of the change that marriage (or any serious, longterm relationship) brings.

“New relationship energy comes with anticipation, separateness, novelty, and a lot of intentional time devoted to each other,” Grines says. “That intentionality often fades in long term relationships which often contributes to the lessening of sexual intimacy.”

But this isn’t just a fact of life.

“Change over time happens for many couples, but losing intimacy altogether is far from inevitable,” she says. “Couples can not control every factor that influences desire, but they can influence and understand which conditions exist that make desire more likely to exist.” For you and your partner, this may look like spending uninterrupted time together, being playful, addressing any issues as they arise, working to create an equal partnership, and constantly talking about what pleasure and connection means to the both of you.

The earlier in the relationship you talk about sex, the better chance you have at preserving a sexual connection throughout it.

Grines encourages couples to refrain from measuring themselves against some invisible standard when it comes to sex. Sure, you might want to have sex more than once in a year—but maybe you don’t need it all the time. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

“Focus on creating a satisfying sex life to the parties involved,” Grines says. “Pne that is able to be discussed and adapted together as their life changes.”