This Is How Often Couples Are Having Sex Today, According to the Experts

The biggest factors influencing sexual frequency

Being in sync with your partner when doing the deed is critical element, and I’m not just talking about getting the right rhythm. Maybe you’re sexually frustrated and don’t feel like you’re having enough sex. Maybe you’re sexually overwhelmed and you don’t know how to tell your partner. Or maybe you’ve found yourself comparing how often you have sex to other peoples’ sex lives.

We reached out to experts to get some insight as to how often couples are having sex. Right off the bat, a rule of thumb was that comparison is a trap, and there’s no one-size-fits-all standard for how frequently or infrequently you’re doing it.

Stress is higher than ever right now, from rising costs to general economic uncertainty. So it makes sense that external pressures would impact a libido. This isn’t news, but it is a good reminder of why and how your sex life could be impacted. “People today are having less sex than they were in the past,” confirms sex educator Justin Lehmiller, PhD, author of Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. “In my own work, I’ve seen multiple factors contributing to it, from rising rates of stress and anxiety to parenting pressures to increased time spent on digital devices.” There’s even a term for this, he says: “sex recession.”

Wildilisa Moronta, a sex and relationships expert at Taimi, has been hearing something similar. “The amount varies from couple to couple, but overall, I’m hearing that sex is happening less often even when the quality is considered ‘good.’”

Melanie Eichhorn, sexologist and head of sexual education and diversity at Satisfyer, says it’s not just stress, but people today having stronger boundaries. Instead of having sex that ends up being bad, they’d rather just not have sex at all “More and more people are saying: if the sex isn’t good, I’d rather not have any at all,” she tells Cosmo. “Trends like ‘boysober’ reflect exactly that. At the same time, people are much better at naming their boundaries and are far more in touch with their own needs.”

Is there a “golden number” for how often couples should be having sex?

Eichhorn says she hears this question often. “People want a benchmark, something that tells them, ‘If I’m having sex this many times a week, everything is fine and normal’,” she says. “The truth is, a healthy number of times to have sex per week is as many times as you want or don’t want. There is no fixed number.”

Instead of focusing on frequency, it’s better to focus on your needs being met. “How often you’re having sex isn’t a reliable metric for whether the relationship is healthy,” Lehmiller adds. “Rather than striving for some arbitrary benchmark, the more important thing is whether the partners are satisfied with their sex lives and the quality of their experiences.”

When to address how frequent (or infrequent) you’re having sex

Is it worth having a conversation about how often you’re having sex with your partner? Short answer: It depends. “It’s worth talking about when at least one partner feels concerned or dissatisfied,” Moronta says. “The concern doesn’t have to be mutual to matter.”

Boyer says there are certain signs that indicate there could be a problem. “Pay attention when sex, or its absence, causes distress, pressure, pain, or interferes with daily life,” she says. “Start the conversation outside the bedroom and lead with curiosity rather than presenting a tally of who initiated last.”

Bottom line: Don’t compare yourself to other couples

“Don’t fall into the trap of comparing your sex life” says Lehmiller. “Yes, other people might be having more sex than you, but having more sex won’t necessarily make you happier.”

Comparison is harmful for many reasons, and one is because you don’t really know the full picture. “Every couple is different, and people aren’t always open about what their sex lives are really like,” Moronta says.

It’s okay to ask yourself questions about your sex life, but Boyer has a suggestion: “Replace ‘Are we having as much sex as they are?’ with ‘Does our sex life work for us?’” she suggests. Above all, Boyer offers sound advice when it comes to comparison. “Someone else’s preferences don’t need to become your relationship’s rules.”