How to Restart Sex After a Dry Spell Without Making It a Whole Thing

I’ve been playing Kacey Musgraves’s “Dry Spell” on repeat lately. So much so that I think I manifested writing this article. Personally, I would have preferred to manifest the end of a dry spell, but a commission will do. And if a beautiful, successful, world-renowned country superstar can find herself singing about a sexual drought, the rest of us can stop treating ours as a personal failure.

Of course, sometimes the person you want to have sex with is right there. Sharing your bed. Asking whether you paid the electric bill. Somehow, making a move on someone who has seen you naked approximately a thousand times now feels intimidating. The longer it’s been, the easier it is to turn the next encounter into a referendum on your entire relationship. But reconnecting can begin with something much smaller: an honest conversation, a kiss without expectations, or figuring out what you both want now.

What is a sexual dry spell, anyway?

A dry spell is a stretch when you’re having less sex than you’re used to—or none at all. There’s no universal countdown that makes it official. What feels like a noticeable departure for one couple might be business as usual for another.

It can happen when you love your partner and still think they’re hot. Stress, exhaustion, caregiving, mental health struggles, illness, medication, and hormonal changes can all get in the way. Sometimes there’s unresolved resentment or sex that hasn’t been particularly satisfying.

For one of my best friends, a roughly nine-month dry spell with her husband coincided with both of them struggling with their mental health. Sex wasn’t the only thing that disappeared. Making out and cuddling fell away too, leaving mostly hello-and-goodbye kisses.

“It wasn’t a case of turning him down if he tried,” she told me. Neither of them was attempting to initiate. That’s another way a dry spell can unfold: without a dramatic rejection, just two people growing less physically connected and unsure how to find their way back.

And the silence can become its own obstacle. “What started as a few weeks of exhaustion can eventually turn into months of avoidance because neither partner knows how to break the cycle,” says Vanessa Cushing, an AASECT-certified sex therapist.

If either of you misses that connection, here’s where to start.

1. Figure out what you’re actually missing.

Before declaring that you need to have more sex, consider what you want more of. Orgasms? Affection? The feeling that your partner still thinks you’re hot? These can overlap, but they aren’t interchangeable.

Couples therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, encourages partners to get specific about what they miss. Wanting more cuddles calls for a different conversation than realizing the sex you were having wasn’t particularly enjoyable.

Ask yourself what you’d like to experience with your partner again—or perhaps for the first time. Getting specific gives you something more useful to bring to the conversation than a tally of how long it’s been.

2. Have the conversation—with your clothes on.

Choose a calm moment, ideally, outside the bedroom, when neither of you is initiating sex, freshly dealing with rejection, or arguing about the dishwasher.

Lead with something you appreciate about your intimate relationship, suggests licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, founder of Modern Intimacy and author of What Happened to My Sex Life? If you miss how connected you feel during sex, say that. Use “I” statements to explain your feelings without assigning blame.

From there, Claudia Johnson, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and owner of PNW Sex Therapy Collective, suggests: “I’ve been missing feeling close to you, and I’d love to talk about how intimacy has been feeling for both of us lately. I’m not expecting us to have sex tonight. I just want to understand where we’re both at.”

That last part matters. Your partner should know they’re being invited into a conversation, without an expectation of sex afterward.

Then bring their needs into it. Balestrieri recommends asking, “What might help you feel more relaxed or connected together?”

Listen without preparing your defense. You might hear that your partner misses you too—or that sex has felt stressful, uncomfortable, or unsatisfying. Leave room for an answer beyond the one you hoped to get.

If your partner says they feel pressured, get curious about your own approach. AASECT-certified sex therapist Casey Tanner suggests asking, “Are there ways I’ve approached intimacy that have unintentionally made it feel like an expectation?”

3. Find something you both want to say yes to.

One person may be ready to clear the evening while the other feels uncertain about kissing. Start by understanding that difference.

Neuroscientist and certified sex therapist Nan Wise, PhD, suggests taking turns sharing while the other person listens without rebuttals or immediately trying to fix things. She offers language for the partner who misses sex: ‘When we don’t touch, I start to feel lonely and wonder if you still want me.’ Again adding, ‘I’m not asking for sex tonight. I’m telling you what’s going on in my heart.’

The hesitant partner might explain that they want closeness but feel tired, tense, or worried about where touching will lead.

From there, look for something you both feel comfortable choosing. That could be making out. It could also be sitting close on the couch.

To explore what sounds appealing, Johnson recommends a “Yes, No, Maybe & Curious” intimacy menu. Separately, list activities you want, don’t want, might be open to, or would like to explore—anything from kissing and massage to mutual masturbation.

Compare your answers and begin with the overlap. A “maybe” or “curious” isn’t a commitment, and agreeing to an activity once doesn’t mean agreeing every time.

4. Let touching be touching.

If every cuddle feels like the opening of a sexual negotiation, it makes sense that someone might start avoiding cuddles altogether.

Johnson suggests setting aside 15 minutes for affection without an expectation of intercourse or orgasm. Ask, “What kind of touch would feel good to you right now?”

Maybe that’s a back massage. Maybe it’s kissing or lying together. Agree on what’s welcome, and honor those boundaries.

Cushing similarly recommends touch exercises inspired by sensate focus, which encourage partners to pay attention to physical sensations without performance goals.

Licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist Laurie Mintz, PhD, emphasizes that the approach depends on the couple. Some may feel ready to reconnect sexually after talking; others may prefer gradually exploring touch. You don’t have to complete a prescribed sequence before having sex—or progress toward intercourse at all.

The aim is to enjoy being close again. Nobody needs to earn a gold star in cuddling.

5. Make space for desire to show up.

Waiting until you’re both spontaneously horny, well rested, alone, and free of responsibilities could mean waiting a while.

Cushing explains that some people experience responsive desire: sexual interest develops after pleasurable, wanted touch or connection begins. You might feel open to kissing before you feel actively turned on. That willingness matters; you shouldn’t endure unwanted activity hoping desire eventually clocks in.

Wise offers a simple check-in: “More, less, or stay right here?”

Planning time together can help. As Mintz points out, even early dating often involved preparation and anticipation. You got ready, flirted, and thought about what might happen later. Creating that opportunity again doesn’t make it less romantic.

For my friend and her husband, making that space followed a much bigger conversation about whether they wanted to stay together. After considering time apart, they decided to spend a weekend at a hotel in a nearby town they both loved.

“We went on a date, talked, ate, drank, reconnected,” she told me. By the time they returned to their room, she describes the desire to be intimate as mutual—and they ended their dry spell.

Since then, they’ve prioritized monthly dates. “That has kept our closeness alive and really helped our sex life overall,” she says.

A getaway isn’t a requirement. Protect time together, put your phones away, and leave the outcome open.

6. Practice stopping without making it a crisis.

Sometimes you’ll start kissing and want more. Sometimes kissing will be plenty.

Johnson offers this script: “I’m really enjoying being close to you, but I don’t feel like going any further tonight. Can we just cuddle?”

The response: “Of course! I loved kissing you, and I’m really glad we had this time together.”

Feeling disappointed is okay, Johnson adds. What matters is handling that feeling without turning it into pressure or making your partner responsible for resolving it through sex.

Knowing you can stop comfortably makes future invitations easier to trust.

7. Let the first time be a first time.

Your return to sex doesn’t need the production value of a Bridgerton carriage scene. A little awkwardness is allowed. Mintz suggests simply acknowledging if you feel nervous.

Give yourselves time, communicate about what feels good now, and leave room for sex to look different than it used to. Kissing, hands, oral sex, toys, and other mutually wanted activities can all be part of reconnecting; penetration doesn’t have to be the finish line.

Afterward, resist giving the encounter an immediate performance review. Wise suggests revisiting it later with questions like, “What was one moment you really enjoyed?” and “Is there anything you’d like to do differently next time?”

It’s okay to ask for help, if you need it.

If you’re struggling to reconnect, you don’t have to figure everything out between the two of you. Balestrieri recommends seeking support when the dry spell is causing distress, conversations repeatedly end in conflict or avoidance, or physical difficulties are getting in the way.

A medical clinician can help identify possible contributors such as hormonal changes, medical conditions, or medication side effects. A sex therapist can help with desire and arousal concerns, anxiety around painful sex, or relationship issues such as resentment, shame, and trust. And if sex hurts, you don’t need to wait months to ask for help.

If unresolved hurt is making sexual closeness difficult, Mintz recommends couples counseling to help with repair. That means acknowledging what happened, taking responsibility where appropriate, and agreeing on what needs to change—not simply asking the hurt partner to move on or resume sex.

Just remember, you don’t have to make up for every sexless night. Start with an experience you both enjoy enough to want another one. And maybe let Kacey handle the soundtrack—although I wouldn’t suggest “Dry Spell” unless your partner has a good sense of humor.