Parenting through intuition

Q: I am fairly new to parenting. Are there times and situations when I should simply “chill out” and refrain from disciplining my child for misbehaving?

Focus on the Family Malaysia: Child discipline is more of an art than a science – it is a skill acquired gradually and almost imperceptibly.

So, relax, take one day at a time, and allow the parent-child relationship to unfold naturally. As the years go by, you will perfect your skills in a normal and intuitive way.

In the meantime, the only behaviour
that merits disciplinary action is wilful disobedience. Otherwise, there are some rather obvious situations where traditional disciplinary action is not appropriate:

Normal exploratory behaviour in infants and toddlers: Little ones need the freedom to discover their environment without getting their hands slapped. “Childproof” your home by keeping fragile items out of their reach.

Toilet training: This cannot be rushed. A harsh response to failure only creates confusion, anxiety and frustration for the child.

Bedwetting: This physiological problem is usually not under conscious control, and the child will rarely – if ever – respond to rewards or punishment.

Accidents: If a behaviour was not wilful or intentional, it does not warrant discipline. However, it is fair and appropriate to require an older child to help clean up or fix things, especially if carelessness was involved.

Irritability and negativity due to illness
or fatigue: Show grace for moments of grumpiness when your child is unwell, hungry or tired.

Less-than-perfect report cards: If your child’s performance is falling short of his or
her capabilities, the solution may lie in fostering more self-discipline – not punishment. Children should not be penalised for not getting straight As.

Performance in sports: If your child is interested in sports, your support and encouragement are essential. However, they should not be forced to participate against their will or beyond their abilities.

Q: My spouse and I are trying to visualise our future but we are struggling to look beyond our present state. What would you suggest?

Focus on the Family Malaysia: Thinking about the future can be exciting but it can also be hard to envision, especially when you are feeling “stuck”. In times like this, it is helpful to reflect on your past together as a couple.

There is a bond that forms between two people who have shared experiences together. Your past is more than a collection of random memories. It represents a journey you and your spouse have taken together, one that infuses your relationship with richness and meaning. And this will be the “launch pad” for your next phase of discovery.

That is why reminiscing is especially
helpful for those who have been married for a long time.

It is healthy to remember the good times you have shared and the difficulties you have faced and overcome together.

It can encourage you to hope for good times ahead and remind you of the troubles you can get through if you stick together.

However, reminiscing is not just for long-time couples; it is also for newlyweds. You may not have many years of shared experiences
to reminisce about but you likely have meaningful memories from your time before marriage. Reflect on those times even if they were not that long ago.

Intimacy does not come from the novelty of a relationship; it develops over time as you share experiences and grow together.

The fond memories from when you first met or the funny, heartwarming moments you shared are the foundation that will help carry you both into the future.

This article is contributed by
Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit.
It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community.
For more information, visit family.org.my.
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