Great British Bake Off review: Week 2 and they're dropping like flies

The Great British Bake Off (Ch4)

Rating:

Who-bunnit? Was it Mr Crumb the patissier with a cake slice in the kitchen? Or Miss Cherry the pastry chef with a red-hot baking tray over the bonce?

Someone is icing the contestants on The Great British Bake Off. First, Jeff, the guy with the Noo Yawk accent, went all wobbly during the technical challenge. Complaining of light-headedness, he quit the competition.

Next, midwife Illiyin finished her showstopper bake with seconds to spare, only to swoon and crumple to the floor like a Victorian heroine. She was bundled away to the medical tent and missed the final judging.

Then Dylan, the skateboarder with the half-shaved eyebrow, took a tumble from his stool, apparently as he reached for his water bottle.

'It ain't one of those murder mysteries, is it?' worried ex-squaddie Andy. The rest of them might be wise to stay away from country house libraries, vicarages and railway carriages till the contest is over.

Chief suspect must be judge Paul Hollywood, who was wielding a knife like a cleaver as he judged the mint cream biscuits. Some were so thickly coated in chocolate that he had to exert all his not-inconsiderable weight to slice through the shell.

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With the arrival of co-host Alison Hammond last year, the show stretched to 90 minutes, a format that works well in the opening weeks as we get to know the new intake. Contestants have more opportunity to banter, even answering back to the judges.

The producers appear to be encouraging more cheekiness. Nelly from Slovakia chased presenter Noel Fielding around the counters, shouting, 'Come on! I love you!'

But she also produced the most touching moment of the night as she added five biscuity stars to her decorations, saying that they represented the unborn children she had lost. 'You carry them in you all your life,' she said.

The final round challenged the cooks to make puppet theatres out of gingerbread, shortbread and biscuits. Several bakers took the opportunity to launch into convoluted explanations of the stories behind their creations.

Andy's extended anecdote involved a pig that escaped from a van. Christiaan told his story twice, about a little boy and his teddy finding love in the Bake Off tent. It proved a mechanical marvel, with a revolving stage and puppets suspended on wire.

Any pretence this is a contest for mixed abilities has long been abandoned. A couple of bakers even grow their own ingredients, including nurse Georgie. 

She made rhubarb-and-custard Viennese sandwich biscuits, flavoured with homegrown rhubarb she dehydrated and ground to a dust. Even such dedication couldn't ensure praise from the judges.

'I don't think they look tremendously appetising,' complained Dame Prue Leith. Paul added that they had a 'speckled effect' and that the rhubarb was 'sharp'.

When a cordon bleu custard cream is dismissed so harshly, you know the standards will be impossibly high. And it's only the second week.